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Cigarette Dispenser
There was once this guy and a girl in a car, parked neatly on Makeout Ridge, and they were, well, doing the obvious. So, here they were, naked as jay birds, when the guy suddenly says: "I need a cigarette."
"But honey," his lover says. "The store closes in two minutes. You'll never have time to get to the store, and get dressed."
"That's okay," He quipps. "I'll just run down there naked, and if anyone sees me, I'll pretend I'm a statue."
So the young man ran down to the store, got two packs of cigaretts (this store was obviously in a heavy nudist area or something), and starts to run back. The car is in sight, and he has a few more yards to go, when all of the sudden three nuns round the corner. He panics, and freezes like a statue, his beloved cigarettes in one hand.
The first nun walks over to the young man. "Oh! What a beautiful cigarette dispenser!" She exclaimed. She sticks a quarter up his ass, pulls on his dong, and he drops a pack of cigarettes in utter disbelief.
The second nun strolls over. "What an interesting cigarette dispenser! I must try it, too." She sticks a quarter up the young man's ass, chokes his chicken, and he drops the other pack of cigarettes.
The third nun was the unimpressed sort. She strode up, stuck a quarter up the young man's ass, and yanked his monkey. Nothing happened. She pulled on his Element of Adam again. Nothing happened. She tried a third time, and her eyes widened with sudden realization and suprise. "Oh, I get it! A lotion dispenser!"
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Computer Down
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"
"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why?" asketh the Lord.
"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."
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Computer Down
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"
"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why?" asketh the Lord.
"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."
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Confession
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man.; "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest. The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"
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Confession -- 2
Tommy O'Connor went to confession and said, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
"What have you done Tommy O'Connor?"
"I had sex with a girl."
"Who was it, Tommy?"
"I cannot tell you father, please forgive me for my sin."
"Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?"
"No father, please forgive me for my sin but I cannot tell you who it was."
"Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?"
"No father, please forgive me for my sin."
"Well then it has to be, Sarah Martha O'Keefe."
"No father, please forgive me, I cannot tell you who it was."
"Okay, Tommy go say 5 Hail Mary's and 4 Our Fathers and you will be abolished of your sin."
So Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend Joseph was waiting. "What did ya get?" asked Joseph.
"Well I got 5 hail Mary's, 4 Our Fathers, and 3 good leads."
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Confession -- 3
An old man goes into the confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them twice."
The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
"So then, why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everybody."
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Confession -- 4
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man.; "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest. The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"
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Confessions
In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the minister. The minister asked the janitor, "Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me?
I really have to go to the bathroom and the Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when she's done just give her 10 hail Mary's and I'll be right back."
Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected the Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession. "Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable. I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex." Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation. Surely 10 hail Mary's would not do. So, in a moment of desperation the janitor peered his head out of the confessional and asked an alter boy, "Son, what does the minister give for oral sex?"
In reply the alter boy said,
"Two Snickers bars and a Coke."
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Confessions
In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the minister. The minister asked the janitor, "Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me?
I really have to go to the bathroom and the Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when she's done just give her 10 hail Mary's and I'll be right back."
Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected the Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession. "Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable. I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex." Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation. Surely 10 hail Mary's would not do. So, in a moment of desperation the janitor peered his head out of the confessional and asked an alter boy, "Son, what does the minister give for oral sex?"
In reply the alter boy said,
"Two Snickers bars and a Coke."
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Corporate Lessons!
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.
Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again Said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance, and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!
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Cute Little Fart
A priest noticed that one of the nuns in the convent was getting a little chubby. "Is there anything wrong?" he asked her.
The nun replied, "It's just gas!"
As time went by he noticed she was getting very fat indeed.
"Are you sure you're ok?" he asked again. "Yes," she replied. "It's just gas!"
One day, the priest saw the nun pushing a pram around. He stopped and peered inside. "Hmm . . . cute little fart."
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Dirt Poor
One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."
God listened very patiently and kindly to the man and after the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this, let's say we have a man making contest."
To which the scientist replied, "OK, great!"
But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."
The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God just looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"
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Dirt Poor
One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."
God listened very patiently and kindly to the man and after the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this, let's say we have a man making contest."
To which the scientist replied, "OK, great!"
But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."
The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God just looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"
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Do You Live Here?
Father Delany was walking home after his sermon late one night when he came upon this intoxicated tramp on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the man, "Do you live here?"
"Yesh," the man slowly replied.
"Would you like me to help you upstairs?" the father asked.
"Yesh," the man slowly sputtered.
When they got up on the second floor he asked, "Is this your floor?"
"Yesh," again the man replied.
Then Father Delany got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it, then went back downstairs.
But lo and behold when he went back outside, there was another Tramp lying on the sidewalk. So he asked that man "Do you live here?"
"Yesh."
"Would you like me to help you upstairs?"
"Yesh."
So he did and put him in the same door with the first Tramp. Then went back downstairs, where, to his surprise, there was another tramp.
So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the tramp staggered over to a policeman and cried, "For God's sake, offisher, protect me from thish man. He'sh been doing nothing all night long but takin' me upstairsh and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"
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Dying Confession
A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.
"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.
"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again.
Then out of the crowd steps THE DEFENDER!!!!
"Mr. Policeman," says the defender, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for many years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."
The policeman agreed and brought the defender over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:
"B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72. . ."
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Earthly Drug Problems
Earthly Drug Problems
Jesus, in a very worried state, convened all of his apostles and disciples to an emergency meeting because of the high drug consumption problem all over the earth.
After giving it much thought they reached the conclusion that in order to better deal with the problem, that they should try the drugs themselves and then decide on the correct way to proceed. It was therefore decided that a commission made up of some of the members return to earth to get the different types of drugs.
The secret operation is effected and two days later the commissioned disciples begin to return to heaven. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in the first disciple:
''Who is it?''
''It's Paul''
Jesus opens the door.
''What did you bring Paul?''
''Hashish from Morocco''
''Very well son, come in.''
''Who is it?''
It's Mark''
Jesus opens the door.
''What did you bring Mark?''
''Marijuana from Colombia''
''Very well son, come in.''
''Who is it?''
''It's Matthew''
Jesus opens the door.
''What did you bring Matthew?''
''Cocaine from Bolivia''
''Very well son, come in.''
''Who is it?''
''It's John''
Jesus opens the door.
''What did you bring John?''
''Crack from New York''
''Very well son, come in.''
''Who is it?''
''It's Luke''
Jesus opens the door.
''What did you bring Luke?''
''Speed from Amsterdam''
''Very well son, come in.''
''Who is it?''
''It's Judas''
Jesus opens the door.
''What did you bring Judas?''
''The FBI! EVERYONE AGAINST THE WALL!''
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Fallen
There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town.When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, Your wife fell three times this week."
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Fallen
There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town.When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, Your wife fell three times this week."
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Forest Gump in Heaven
Forrest Gump died and went to heaven. When he got to the Pearly Gates Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective Heavenly Soul must answer three questions.
1. Name two days of the week that begin with T.
2. How many seconds are in a year?
3. What is God's first name?
Forrest thought for a few minutes and answered, 1. The two days of the week that begin with T are Today and Tomorrow 2. There are 12 seconds in a year. 3. God has two-first names and they are Andy and Howard."
Saint Peter said, "OK I'll buy Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, your answer is acceptable. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year and why did you ever think that God's first name was either Andy or Howard?"
Forrest responded, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd,...""OK, I give in" said Saint Peter, but what about the God's first name stuff?
Forrest said, "Well, from the song... Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own... and the prayer... Our Father which Art in Heaven, Howard be thy name...."
Saint Peter let him in without further ado!
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Forest Gump in Heaven
Forrest Gump died and went to heaven. When he got to the Pearly Gates Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective Heavenly Soul must answer three questions.
1. Name two days of the week that begin with T.
2. How many seconds are in a year?
3. What is God's first name?
Forrest thought for a few minutes and answered, 1. The two days of the week that begin with T are Today and Tomorrow 2. There are 12 seconds in a year. 3. God has two-first names and they are Andy and Howard."
Saint Peter said, "OK I'll buy Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, your answer is acceptable. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year and why did you ever think that God's first name was either Andy or Howard?"
Forrest responded, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd,...""OK, I give in" said Saint Peter, but what about the God's first name stuff?
Forrest said, "Well, from the song... Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own... and the prayer... Our Father which Art in Heaven, Howard be thy name...."
Saint Peter let him in without further ado!
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Forgive me Father...
It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWll, I hid a Jewish man in my attic."
"Well," answered the Priest, "That's no a sin."
"But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Father, I have one more question."
"What is it son."
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
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Friendly Priest
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press the doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small, and the doorbell is placed at normal adult height, and the little fellow just can't reach. After watching the boy's sorry efforts for some time as he moves closer to the boy's position, the priest steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing one hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leans over the boy and gives the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the urchin replies, "Now we run like Hell!"
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Gay Church
Q: How can you tell if you are in a gay church?
A: Only half the congregation is kneeling!!
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Go Now!
The Pastor approaches his pulpit one Sunday and said, "Before we get started today I want you to know that there are rumors running rampant-I've heard that there are many of you out there been a He'n and a She'n out of wedlock-if you been then get up and get out of my church right now!"
Some couples got up and left.
Then he said, "Some of you been a He'n and He'n-I want you to get up and get out of my church right now!"
Some guys got up and left.
He says, "Some of you ladies been a she'n and she'n-leave my church right now!" Some women left.
Old Brother Brown in the back got up and was leaving.
Pastor asked, "Where you goin' Brother Brown?"
Brother Brown replied, "I know sooner or later you'll be gettin' to me'n and a me'n and I'm just gettin'a head start......
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Golf Match
The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.
“Your Holiness,” said one of the Cardinals, “Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths.”
The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand, “Have we not,” he asked, “a cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?”
“None that plays golf very well,” a cardinal said. “But,” he added, “there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a cardinal, then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we’ll also win the match.”
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result.
“I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness,” said the golfer. “Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus,” said the Pope.
“Well,” your Holiness, “I don’t like to brag, but even though I’ve played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.”
“There’s bad news?” the Pope asked.
Nicklaus sighed. “I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes.”
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