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A man's daughter had asked
A man's daughter had asked the local minister to come and pray with her father. When the minister arrived, he found the man lying in bed with his head proppped up on two pillows. An empty chair sat beside his bed. The minister assumed that the old fellow had been informed of his visit.
''I guess you were expecting me,'' he said. ''No, who are you?'' said the father. the minister told him his name and then remarked, ''I see the empty chair; I figured you knew i was going to show up.'' ''Oh yea, the chair,'' said the bed ridden man. ''Would you mind closing the door?'' Puzzled, the minister shut the door.
''I have never told anyone this not even my daughter,'' said the man, ''but all of my life i have never known how to pray. At church I used to hear the pastor talk about prayer, but it went right over my head.'' ''I abandoned any attempt at prayer,'' the old man continuted, ''until one day about four years ago my best friend said to me 'Johnny, prayer is just a simple matter of having a conversation with Jesus. Here is what I suggest.''
''Sit down in a chair; place an empty chair in front of you, and in faith see Jesus on the chair. It's not spooky, because he promised, ''I'll be with you always.'' Then just speak to him in the same way you're doing with me. right now.'' ''So, I tried it and I've liked it so much that I do it a couple of hours every day. I'm careful though, if my daughter saw me talking to an empty chair, she'd either have a nervous breakdown or send me off to the funny farm.''
The minister was deeply moved by the story and encouraged the old man to continue on the journey. Then he prayed with him, anointed him with oil, and returned to the church. Two nights later the daughter called to tell the minister that her Daddy had died that afternoon. ''Did he die in peace?'' he asked.
''Yes, and when i left the house about two o'clock, he called me over to his bedside and told me he loved me and kissed me on the cheek. When i got back from the store an hour later, I found him dead. But there was something strange about his death.'' ''Apparently just before daddy died he leaned over and rested his head on the chair beside the bed. What do you make of that?''
The minister wiped a tear from his eye and said, ''I wish we could all go like that.''
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A Quick Swim
A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom."
As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his private
The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."
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Biblical one-liners... too cool!
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A. Ruthless
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.
Q. Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.
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Dr. Schlambaugh, a senior
Dr. Schlambaugh, a senior lecturer at the Chemical Engineering
Department,University of Oklahoma, is known for posing questions on
final exams like: ''Why do airplanes fly?''
In May a few years ago, the ''Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer '' exam
paper contained the question:
''Is Hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof.''
Most students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or
similar. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we must postulate that if souls exist, they must have some mass.
If they do, then a mole of souls also must have a mass. So, at what rate
are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think
we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it does not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for souls entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that
exist in the world today. Some religions say that if you are not a
member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than
one of these religions, and people do not belong to more than one
religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With
the birth and death rates what they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
change in the volume of Hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass
of the souls and volume needs to stay constant.
[Answer 1] So, if Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at
which souls enter Hell, then the temperature in Hell will increase until
all Hell breaks loose.
[Answer 2] Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
increase in souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop
until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate (given to me by Teresa Banyan
during freshman year) that ''it'll be a cold day in Hell before I sleep
with you'', and taking into account that I still have not succeeded in
having sexual relations with her, then [Answer 2] cannot be correct;
...... thus, Hell is exothermic.
The student got the only A.
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I'll have nun of that!
A nun was walking in the convent when one of the Fathers noticed she was gaining a little weight. "Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?", he asked.
"Oh no, Father. Just a little gas." Sister Susan explained, matter-of-factly.
A month or so later the Father noticed that she had gained even more weight. "Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?", he asked again.
"Oh no, Father. Just a little gas." She replied again.
A few months later the Father noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carraige in the convent.
He leaned over and looked in the carraige and said -
"What a cute little fart!"
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Proud Of Daddy
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, "My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
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Rabbi Wizard
The Rabbi rose with a red face..."Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K.
This is a horrible lie and one which a Jewish community cannot tolerate! I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and our Jewish community."
No one moved.
The Rabbi continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel relief. Now stand and confess your transgression!"
Again all was quiet. Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose in the third pew. Her head was bowed, and her voice quivered as she spoke.
"Rabbi, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan... I just told a couple of friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
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Soakin' Wet!
One day a boy came walking home from school. On the way home he saw a creek. He quickly jumped in, clothes and all. When he arrived home completely soaked his dad asked, "Son what happened?"
"I jumped in that creek down the road."
"Why did you do that?"
"I dunno."
His dad was very angry and said, "If you jump in that creek again, just because, I'm gonna tan that hide - just because! Is that clear?"
"Yes dad." replies his son.
The next day, the boy came home walking from school, and sure enough when he saw that creek, he jumped right on in.
When he went home, his dad knew what had happened and asked, "Didn't I tell you not to jump in that creek again?"
"Yes dad, but Satan told me to do it!"
His dad, being somewhat religous, decided to give his son the benefit of the doubt and tells him - "Next time Satan tells you to do something like that, say 'Satan get thee behind me in the name of Jesus'."
"Ok dad." replied the son.
Well the next day after school, the boy was walking across the bridge, and well you know the rest. He came home again soaked.
His dad said, "I thought I told you what to say when you came to that creek!"
"I said what you told me dad, and when I did, Satan pushed me in!"
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Ten reasons why beer is better
Ten reasons why beer is better than religion:
1. No one will kill you for not drinking beer.
2. Beer doesn't try to ruin your sex life.
3. Wars are not fought over beer.
4. They don't force beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
5. When you have a beer, you don't knock on other people's doors trying to give it away.
6. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of beer.
7. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second beer.
8. There are laws saying beer labels can't lie to you.
9. You can prove you have a beer.
10. If you become addicted to beer, there are groups to help you escape.
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2 Fathers Joke
Father Pat and Father Mike were riding down the highway with Father Pat at the wheel. Mileage was being ticked off pretty well when suddenly a little rabbit jumped up onto the highway right in front of the car.
Father Pat did everything he could to miss the little bunny, he wrenched the wheel around, jammed on the brakes, and almost tipped the car over with his maneuvers, but to no avail....the rabbit was hit before the car could be stopped.
Both priests jumped out of the car, ran back to the rabbit to see if there was anything that could be done, but alas, it appeared that the rabbit was gone.
Father Pat pulled a bottle out of his pocket, sprinkled a few drops of the liquid on the rabbit, and instantly it jumped up and started waving vigorously.
Father Mike looked at Father Pat and said, "It's a miracle!" The rabbit stood there and continued to wave at them. Since it appeared that nothing else was needed, the two priests returned to the car, and Father Pat continued down the road. Father Mike kept looking out the back window and, for as long as he could see the rabbit, it was still standing there and waving.
When the rabbit was out of sight, Father Mike sat back and considered the sequence of events. Finally he said, "Father Pat, just what was in that bottle?"
In response, Father Pat pulled the bottle out of his pocket once more and handed it to Father Mike who read the label:
"Hair Restorer with Permanent Wave"
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A babtist and a catholic preacher
A Baptist preacher and a catholic preacher are driving out on a road.
The catholic preacher sees a cat in the middle of the road, and slams on his brakes. The cat is avoided, but the Baptist preacher hits the back of the catholic preacher.
They step out of their cars, and begin talking. "Oh, I am so sorry, that was my fault," says the Baptist preacher.
While waiting for the cops after they called by cell phone, the preachers soon start talking about their professions to pass the time.
"You know, I never understood why catholic preachers don't drink wine to represent Christ's blood." The catholic preacher responds, "Well, we believe that drinking wine is wrong, and just use grape juice instead." "I have a bottle of wine in my glove compartment right now. Tell you what, let's drink a little right now while waiting for the cops."
"Oh, no I couldn't, replies the catholic, but after pressuring him, the catholic preacher soon agrees.
The Baptist preacher takes out the wine and a couple of Dixie cups, and pours a little into each. The catholic preacher drinks it down quickly. "That wasn't that bad, you're right," the catholic preacher says. Noticing the baptist hasn't drank his wine, he asks, "Aren't you going to have some?"
"Oh sure," the other replies, "I'll wait until after the cops come though."
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A Cab Driver Goes To Heaven
A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabby, St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.
A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."
The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabby."
St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "Here we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabby drove his taxi, people prayed."
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A guy dies and goes to the...
A guy dies and goes to the gates to be tested. Since it was a slow day for St.Peter he decided to take the guy on a tour of heaven. St.Peter shows the guy the golf course,cafeteria,bathrooms, and so on. Then finally they were going to the last room. The guy goes in and sees a huge room of clocks. He asks St.Peter why there are so many clocks in the room. St.Peter tells the guy that the clocks show the life span of every person and once one runs out they die. The guy thought that made since. Then he saw that some were going faster than others and asked why. St.Peter said that when a person lies their clock speeds up. The guy thought that made since. Then as they were leaving the room the guy saw a clock that was going really fast, so fast you could hardly keep up with it. The guy asked St.Peter ''What's the story on that clock?''St.Peter replied''Oh, that, that's O.J. Simpson's clock we use it as a fan.''
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A Illinois man who left
A Illinois man who left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband.
P.S: Sure is hot down here.
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A Letter
After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was doing on Earth, St.Peter now stood before his boss ready to present his findings.
"Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out?" God asked. "I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are behaving in a sinful manner. There's drugs, alcohol, murders, you name it - a regular Sodom and Gomorra. But the worst is this new obsession with oral sex. According to my survey, 88% of the population is doing it. Even four out of five dentists recommend it. I'm afraid it has reached epidemic proportions."
"Hmmm," God said thoughtfully, "Do you have any recommendations as to what should be done to put an end to this sexual perversion?"
"I think we should send a message to everyone on Earth who engages in oral sex. The contents of that message should tell them exactly what will happen to them on judgment day if they do not stop this type of activity." replied St. Peter.
"That is an effective solution," God stated, "but I think that instead of punishing those who practice oral sex, we should reward those who = refrain from it. Let's send a letter that's personally signed by me to each one of these good people." And so they did. Do you know what the letter said?
(scroll down)
No? (scroll down a little more)
Hmmm...You didn't get the letter either, huh?
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A Letter
After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was doing on Earth, St.Peter now stood before his boss ready to present his findings.
"Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out?" God asked. "I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are behaving in a sinful manner. There's drugs, alcohol, murders, you name it - a regular Sodom and Gomorra. But the worst is this new obsession with oral sex. According to my survey, 88% of the population is doing it. Even four out of five dentists recommend it. I'm afraid it has reached epidemic proportions."
"Hmmm," God said thoughtfully, "Do you have any recommendations as to what should be done to put an end to this sexual perversion?"
"I think we should send a message to everyone on Earth who engages in oral sex. The contents of that message should tell them exactly what will happen to them on judgment day if they do not stop this type of activity." replied St. Peter.
"That is an effective solution," God stated, "but I think that instead of punishing those who practice oral sex, we should reward those who = refrain from it. Let's send a letter that's personally signed by me to each one of these good people." And so they did. Do you know what the letter said?
(scroll down)
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A man is drowning in the sea...
A man is drowning in the sea.''Help me, Lord,'' he cries.
Just then, a fishing trawler comes by. ''Climb on board'' yells the skipper.
''No, no, no,'' says the drowning man. ''The Lord will save me.''
''OK,we will be on our way, then,'' replies the captain.
Two minutes later a rescue helicopter landed along-side the poor chap, and the pilot threw a rope into the fierce waves. ''I do not need any help,'' cries the breathless man, ''The Lord will come and rescue me.''
Moments later the guy drowns, and finds himself in heaven. On meeting God, the man weeps: ''Lord, I was waiting for you to rescue me from my watery tomb. Why did you not save me?''
God replies:'' You daft sod. I sent you a boat and a bloody helicopter!''
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A Priest, Doctor and Engineer
There are three fellas golfing together, a priest, a doctor and an engineer. Although they are having a great game, a group of three men in front of them are taking forever and holding up thier game. When they finally get back to the club house they decide to complain to the owner. They say,"Hey, we love golfing at your club but there were three guys ahead of us that were just taking forever - " "Oh, you mean the the three blind fireman." The owner interupted. "Well whoever they were they were taking too long!" the three golfers replied. The owner replied,"Those three blind firemen can take as long as they want. They saved this club from burning down!" The preist then said, "Wow, that's fantastic, I'll keep them in my prayers!" The doctor replied, "Hey, that's a great story. I've got a friend who's an optometrist, I'll see what he can do for them!" The engineer looks at them and asks,"Well why can't they golf at night?"
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A Quick Swim
A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom."
As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his private
The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."
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A Rabbi and a Priest
A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."
The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest.
The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."
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A Rabbi and a Priest
A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."
The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest.
The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."
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Adam Accused By Eve!
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands....
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
"You're running around with other women," she told her mate.
"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded.
"You know you're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve!
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After watching sales falling
After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.
The Pope says, ''What can I do?''
The Colonel says, ''I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican.''
The Pope replies, ''I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words.''
So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again.
''Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll give you $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'''
And the Pope responds, ''It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words.''
So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales the Colonel gets desperate. ''This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican.''
The Pope replies, ''Let me get back to you.''
So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, ''I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican.''
The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news.
The Pope replies, ''The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account.''
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Aggies go Ice Fishing
Two Aggies decide they want to go ice fishing so they gather together all their gear, get bundled up nice and warm, and head out onto the ice.
As they were attempting to cut a hole through the ice, they suddenly hear a voice from the heavens "There are no fish under the ice!"
They stopped, looked at one another, shrugged their shoulders, shook their heads and continued to cut the hole in the ice.
Suddenly, the voice from above again says, this time with more authority, "There are no fish under the ice!!!"
The two aggies looked at one another again, couldn't figure it out, and continued to cut the hole in the ice.
Then the voice from above says, "Gentlemen, this is the mall manager! There are no fish under the ice!!!!"
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An Unusual Costume
All eyes turned to stare as a gorgeous redhead walked into the costume party stark naked. The alarmed host rushed to intercept her.
"Where's your costume?" he hissed through clenched teeth.
"This is it," she calmly explained. "I came as Adam."
"Adam?" her host exploded. "You don't even have a dick!"
"I just got here, Jeremy," she replied. "Give me a few minutes."
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