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Red Neck on the Jury
A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a red neck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the red neck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.
After the trial, the brother went to the red neck's house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.
The red neck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go.
(Added: Sun Feb 02 2003 Hits: 7 Rating: 4.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Red Neck Phone Company
Q: What does a red neck call the phone company?
A: Taco Bell!
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Red Neck's Last Words
What does a red-neck say before he/she dies?
(in red-neck grammer): Hey y'all watch this!
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Red Necks Driving in a Circle
Q: What do you call a bunch of rednecks chasing a kid around in a circle?
A: NASCAR
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Redneck at the Bar
A bartender was washing glasses one afternoon when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.
The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.
The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door. Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!"
(Added: Mon Feb 03 2003 Hits: 7 Rating: 4.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Redneck Birth Control
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough. The husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
The couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
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Redneck Christmas Shopping
You know your a redneck if you go shopping for your mother, sister and aunt and only buy one gift.
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Redneck Coroner
Three smiling corpses are lying in a morgue in Alabama, and a detective goes into the coroner's to find the causes of death. The coroner points to the first dead man.
"This is Cletus," he says. "He died of shock after winning $20 million on the lottery."
He then moves on to the second smiling corpse. "This is Bo," the coroner says with a grin. "He died having a 'good time' with Trudy-May."
Finally he moves on to the last smiling corpse. "This is Roscoe," says the coroner. "He died after being struck by lightning."
"Well," asks the detective, "Why in heck was the fool smiling?"
"Oh," says the coroner. "He thought he was having his picture taken."
(Added: Sun Feb 02 2003 Hits: 6 Rating: 4.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Redneck Family Tree
REDNECK FAMILY TREE
Many, many years ago when I was twenty three, I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be,
This widow had a daughter Who had hair of red. My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life. My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy, I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad. And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother To the widow's grown-up daughter Who, of course was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run. And he became my grandson, For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mom. And it surely makes me blue. Because, although she is my wife, She is my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild. And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of my grandmother, am my own grandpa!
(Added: Sun Feb 02 2003 Hits: 5 Rating: 4.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Redneck Jokes Galore!
You might be a redneck if. . .
You think harass is two words.
You consider fast food hitting a deer at 65 MPH.
Every day someone comes to your house mistakingly thinking your having a yard sale.
Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.
You have more dogs than the local shelter.
You consistantly receive credit card offers with a limit of $1.25.
Your postman puts rubber gloves on when the red flag is up on your mailbox.
How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel?
When you call the front desk and say, "I've gotta leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead!"
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
Why did God invent armadillos?
So that rednecks can have 'possum on the halfshell!
Definition of an Arkansas Virgin:
A girl who can run faster than her brothers.
(Added: Mon Feb 03 2003 Hits: 7 Rating: 4.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Redneck Love Poem
Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue, and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like corn silk a-flapping in the breeze, softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass, which excite me in May, you ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway.
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry, jist a-fry'n in the pan, yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.
You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud, I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms, well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.
Still them fellers at work, they all want to know, what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man, to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.
Yo're as cute as a June bug a-buzzin' overhead, you ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt, you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.
When you hold me real tight like a padded gun rack, my life is complete; ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, its perfection, like the best vinyl sidin', despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank, we go together like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate, they git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.
Some men git roses on that special day, from the cooler at Kroger. "That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth, "diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey, these won't do, cause yor'e too special, you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, without taste nor odor, more useful than diamonds... IT'S A NEW TROLLIN' MOTOR!!
Luv, BUBBA
(Added: Mon Feb 03 2003 Hits: 7 Rating: 3.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Redneck Meal
Q: How many rednecks does take to eat possum?
A: Three. One to eat it and two to look out for cars.
(Added: Sun Feb 02 2003 Hits: 7 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Redneck Medical Terms
Benign - What you be, after you be eight.
Artery - The study of paintings
Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria
Barium - what doctors do when patients die
Cesarean section - a neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan - searching for kitty
Cauterize - made eye contact with her
Colic - a sheep dog
coma- a punctuation mark
D & C - Where Washington is
Dilate - to live long
Enema - Not a friend
Fester - quicker than someone else
Fibula - a small lie
Genital - a non-Jewish person
GI series - world series of military baseball
Hangnail - what you hang your coat on
Impotent - distinguished, well-known
Labor pain - getting hurt at work
medical staff - a doctor's cane
Morbid - a higher offer
Nitrates - cheaper than day rates
Node - I knew it
Outpatient - a person who has fainted
Pap Smear - A fatherhood test
Pelvis - second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative - a letter carrier
Recovery room - place to do upholstery
Rectum - darn near killed him
Secretion - hiding something
Seizure - a Roman emperor
Tablet - a small table
Terminal Illness - getting sick at the airport
Tumor - one plus one more
Urine - opposite of you're out
Varicose - nearby / close by
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Redneck Romance
One day the Arkansas county sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on except his boots.
The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?"
Billy-Bob replies "Well, Sheriff, me and MaryLou was down on the farm and we started a-cuddlin.' MaryLou said we should go in the barn and we did. Inside the barn we stated a kissing and a-cuddlin' some more and things got pretty hot and heavy. Well, then MaryLou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same. So, I took off all my clothes except my boots. Then MaryLou lay herself on the hay and said 'Okay Billy-Bob, lets go to town!' . . . I guess I'm the first one here!"
(Added: Sun Feb 02 2003 Hits: 6 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Redneck Valentine
Kudzu is green, my dog's name is Blue And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk A-flapping in the breeze. Softer than Blue's And without all them fleas.
You move like the bass, Which excite me in May. You ain't got no scales But I luv you anyway.
You're as graceful as okry Jist a-dancin' in the pan. Yo're as fragrant as SunDrop Right out of the can.
You have all yore teeth, For which I am proud; I hold my head high When we're in a crowd.
On special occasions, When you shave yore armpits, Well, I'm in hawg heaven, I'm plumb outta my wits.
And speakin' of wits, You've got plenty fer shore. 'Cuz you married me Back in '74.
Still them fellers at work They all want to know, What I did to deserve Such a purty, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape Yo're there fer yore man, To patch up life's troubles And stick 'em in the can.
Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler Racin' through the mud, Yet fragile as that sanger Named Naomi Judd.
Yo're as cute as a junebug A-buzzin' overhead. You ain't mean like no far ant Upon which I oft' tread.
Cut from the best pattern Like a flannel shirt of plaid, You sparked up my life Like a Rattletrap shad.
When you hold me real tight Like a padded gunrack, My life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection, Like the best vinyl sidin'. Despite all the years, Yore age, it keeps hidin'.
And when you get old Like a '57 Chevy, Won't put you on blocks And let grass grow up heavy.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie With a RC cold drank, We go together Like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate For Valentine's Day; They git it at Wal-Mart, It's romantic that way.
Some men git roses On that special day From the cooler at Kroger. "That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds From a flea market booth. "Diamonds are forever," They explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey, These will not do. For you are too special, You sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, Without taste nor odor, Better than diamonds it's a new ridin' mower.
(Added: Sun Feb 02 2003 Hits: 7 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Redneck's Logic
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.
"What's Logic?" the first redneck asks.
The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater?"
"I sure do." "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good!" says the redneck. The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin!" "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!!"
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin'?" asks the friend. "Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend. "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?" asked the first redneck.
"No," his friend replied.
"Fag! Queer!"
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Rednecks Visit a Whorehouse
There was 3 rednecks in New York City. One day while sight seeing they ran upon a whorehouse. Excited, they entered the whorehouse like kids entering a toy store.
The first redneck had $5.00, the second redneck had $10.00, and the third redneck had $15.00.
The first redneck approached the lady behind the desk and said " I got $5.00!
What do I get for $5.00?"
The lady spoke over the intercom and said "Ginger-- take this getleman upstairs and give him $5.00 worth!"
The first redneck came back downstairs grinning from ear to ear.
The oter two rednecks said "Man, what did you get for $5.00?"
The first redneck explained that she took it out of his pants she put whipped cream all over it, then licked it all off.
This exited the 2nd redneck and he quickly approached the lady at the desk. He said "Okay, I have $10.00!What do I get for $10.00?"
The lady spoke over the intercom and said" Tasha, take this gentleman upstairs and give him $10.00 worth!"
The 2nd redneck came downstairs, grinning from ear to ear, as if he was on Cloud Nine.
The other two rednecks met him and asked" Man, what did you get for $10.00?"
The 2nd redneck explained she took it out of his pants, put whipped cream on it, nuts and chocolate topping and she licked it all off.
This excited the 3rd redneck, so he nervously approached the lady at the desk and said, "I have $15.00. What can I get for $15.00?"
The lady turned on the intercom again and said" Melissa, take this gentleman upstairs and give him $15.00 worth!"
The 3rd redneck came downstairs with a huge frown on his face, and on the brink of tears.
Curious, the other 2 rednecks asked, "Man, why are you so sad. What could've went wrong? You had $15.00?"
The 3rd redneck said, "Boys, she took it out of my pants, put whipped cream all over it. Then she put strawberries, pinapple topping, chocolate syrup,nuts and a big cherry on top! It looked so good I ate it myself."
(Added: Sun Feb 02 2003 Hits: 6 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Results of a Tornado
Q: What do a tornado, a hurricane and a redneck divorce have in common?
A: In the end, someone is going to loose a house trailer.
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Roadkill again?
Q: How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum?
A: Three. One to eat it and two to watch for cars.
(Added: Mon Feb 03 2003 Hits: 6 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Senior Year
You might be a red neck if you refer to the 5th grade as "my senior year."
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Slanted News
Two boys are playing football in the Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "'Forty Niners' fan saves friend from vicious animal", he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Niners fan," the boy replies.
"'Oakland Raiders' fan rescues friend from horrific attack," says the reporter as he writes in his notebook.
"I'm not a Raiders fan either," the boy says.
"Then what are you?" the reporter asks
"I'm a Cowboys fan!!!" the boy says proudly.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Redneck bastard kills family pet!"
(Added: Mon Feb 03 2003 Hits: 5 Rating: 2.80 Votes: 10) Rate It
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Texan Computer Terms
"Hard drive" -- Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.
"Keyboard" ---- Place to hang your truck keys.
"Window" ------ Place in the truck to hang your guns.
"Floppy" ------ When you run out of Polygrip.
"Modem" ------- How you got rid of your dandelions.
"ROM" --------- Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.
"Byte" -------- First word in a kiss-off phrase.
"Reboot" ------ What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.
"Network" ----- Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line.
"Mouse" ------- Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.
"LAN" -------- To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck."
"Cursor" ------ What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.
"bit" --------- A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways."
"digital control" -- What yore fingers do on the TV remote.
"packet" ------ What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.
(Added: Mon Feb 03 2003 Hits: 7 Rating: 3.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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The De-Ranged Cowboy
Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys, back on the ranch, about his first visit to a big-city church.
"When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began.
"You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.
"I walked up the trail to the gate," Joe continued.
"The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him.
"Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on.
"That would be the usher," Charlie explained.
"Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said.
"You mean the aisle," Charlie said.
"Then he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued.
"Pew," Charlie retorted.
"Yeah," recalled joe. "That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her."
(Added: Mon Feb 03 2003 Hits: 7 Rating: 1.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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The Redneck Capenter...
Some men in a pickup truck drove to a lumber yard.
One of the men walked into the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.
He returned shortly and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four."
"All right. How long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a moment and said, "I'd better go check."
After a while, he returned to the office and said, -
"A long time. We're gonna build a house..."
(Added: Mon Feb 03 2003 Hits: 7 Rating: 2.72 Votes: 14) Rate It
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Tips for Moving South...Yee-Haw!
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right.
3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6. Do not buy food at the movie store.
7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.
10. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
11. People walk slower here.
12. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
15. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
16. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
18. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
19. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
21. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.
22. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
23. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
24. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
25. In southern churches you will hear the hymn, "All Glory, Laud and Honor". You will also hear expressions such as, "Laud, Have mercy", "Good Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy".
26. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
27. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees, rocks, and where buildings used to stand, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
(Added: Mon Feb 03 2003 Hits: 7 Rating: 4.67 Votes: 3) Rate It
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