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'Breviated Medicul Dickshunnary!
adenoids.....(n) Space critters whut are keepin' Elvis alive on Pluto
anasthesia...(n) Rushun princess y'all red 'bout in skool.
antacid......(n) aloosinagenic drugs uzed by itty bitty bugz.
bowel........(n) A alfabit letter lyke A, E, I, O, or U or why?
bronchitis...(n) dinosour frum the plastikseen age; extinked.
catscan......(v) lukin' fer hookers (don y'all do this)
cauterize....(v) makin' eye contak with a hooker (berry dangerous)
d & c........(n) Warshingtun; whar the weirdos, purvurts, & kongress type peepul live.
emema........(n) sumone who ain't never no frend no how
fester.......(n) yer unkles name (mos likelee)
genital......(n) head of a army, fer sample, Genital Robert E. Lee
heart........(v) when u cauz pain to some1
hypodermic...(n) huge, big, fat zoo crittur; mostly live in de woter
mamogram.....(n) short note sent 2 yer ma er other female
papsmear.....(v) when peepul sez veri ugli things bout yer pappy
recovery.....(n) place wear yew fix up yer fernitur
rectum.......(v) whut happenz when yew drive yer pick up truck drunk
seizure......(n) Emperore of Rome.
series.......(n) tv continuin show, fer sample, Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C.
testicles....(n) books of the Bible
tumor........(n) how many beers yew can drink after last call
urine........(v) xact oppisyte of yerrout
(Added: Mon Feb 03 2003 Hits: 8 Rating: 4.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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'Twas The Night Before Xmas- Redneck
'Twas the night before Christmas And all through the trailer
Not a creature was stirrin' 'Cept a redneck named Taylor.
His first name was Bubba, Joe was his middle,
And a-runnin' down his chin Was a trickle of spittle.
His socks, they were hung by the chimney with care,
And therefore there was a foul stench in the air.
That Bubba got scared And rousted the boys.
There was Rufus, 12; Jim Bob was 11;
Dud goin' on 10; Otis was 7.
John, George and Chucky Were 5,4, and 3:
The twins were both girls So they let them be.
They jumped in their overalls, No need for a shirt,
Threw a hat on each head, Then turned with a jerk.
They ran to the gun rack That hung on the wall.
There were 17 shotguns; They grabbed them all.
Bubba said to the young'uns, "Now hesh up ya'll!
The last thing we wanna do Is wake up yer Maw."
Maw was expecting And needed her sleep,
So out they crept out the door without making a peep.
They all looked around, and then they all spit.
The young'uns asked Bubba, "Paw, what is it?"
Bubba just stared; He could not say a word.
This was just like all of the stories he'd heard.
It was Santy Claus on the roof, Darn tootin'
But the boys didn't know; They was about to start shootin'!
They aimed their shotguns and nearly made a mistake
That would have resulted in venison steak.
Bubba hollered out, "Don't shoot, boys!"
That's Santy Claus And he's brought us some toys.
The dogs were a-barkin' And a-raisin' cain,
And Bubba whistled, and shouted, And called them by name.
"Down, Spot! Shut up Bullet! Quiet, Pete and Roscoe!
Git, Turnip and Tater and Sam and Bosco!"
"Git down from that porch! Git down off that wall!
Quit shakin the trailer, Or you'll make Santy fall!"
The dogs kept a-barkin' And wouldn't shut up,
And they trampled poor Pete Who was only a pup.
Santy opened his bag, And threw out some toys.
Bubba got most, But left a few for the boys.
Since the guns had been dropped He just might not die.
He jumped in his sleigh, Told his reindeer to hurry.
The trailer started to wobble Santa started to worry.
Just as the reindeer Got into the air,
The trailer collapsed, But Bubba didn't care.
He was busy lookin' At all his new toys.
Then a thought hit him, And he said to the boys:
"Go check on yer Maw, Make sure she's all right.
That roof fallin' on her Could-a hurt just a might."
But Maw was OK, And the girls were too.
They fixed up the trailer; It looked good as new.
And as for Bubba, He liked Old St. Nick,
But Santa thought Bubba Was a pure-in-tee hick!
Bubba had a nice Christmas, And the boys did, too.
And the Taylors wish A Merry Christmas to you!
(Added: Mon Feb 03 2003 Hits: 7 Rating: 4.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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12 Days of Christmas
Sung to the tune of "The 12 Days of Christmas"
12 pack of Bud
11 rasslin tickets
10 a Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 pack of Redman
6 cans of spam
5 FLANNEL SHIRTS....
4 big mo tires
3 shotgun shells
2 hunting dogs
and parts to a Mustang GT...
(Added: Sun Feb 02 2003 Hits: 7 Rating: 4.00 Votes: 2) Rate It
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134 Redneck Warning Signs (Long Joke)
1. You've ever cut your grass and found a car.
2. You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.
3. You think the stock market has a fence around it.
4. Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in-Theater.
5. You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
6. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
7. You own a homemade fur coat.
8. Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
9. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
10. Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I
can take a bath."
11. You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship came in."
12. You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
13. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
14. You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
15. Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from
the Governor to spare a loved one.
16. Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall
because of her language.
17. Someone asks, "Where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She's at home with the kids."
18. Birds are attracted to your beard.
19. Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
20. You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
21. You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
22. You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.
23. Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
24. You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
25. You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
26. You clean your fingernails with a stick.
27. Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
28. You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
29. You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
30. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
31. Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
32. Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
33. You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
34. There are more than five McDonald's bags currently in the floorboard of your car.
35. The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.
36. There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
37. You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
38. The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
39. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
40. You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
41. You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
42. You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
43. You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
44. Your considered an expert on worm beds.
45. Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
46. The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
47. You've ever bought a used cap.
48. Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.
49. You pick your teeth from a catalog.
50. You've ever financed a tattoo.
51. You've ever stolen toilet paper.
52. You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
53. People hear your car a long time before they see it.
54. The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
55. You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
56. You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
57. You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.
58. You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
59. You think the French Riviera is foreign car.
60. You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.
61. You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
62. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
63. MOTEL 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
64. You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
65. You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
66. Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth before
telling the state trooper to kiss her ass.
67. Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.
68. You own a denim leisure suit.
69. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
70. Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.
71. You've ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a BIGOT.
72. You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in the car.
73. You have a rag for a gas cap.
74. The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
75. You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
76. You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on
your arm.
77. You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge
clearance restrictions.
78. You've ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins, "For a good time call...."
79. You ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic.
80. Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
81. You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while your at work.
82. After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs
with beer bottles.
83. Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas
dinner.
84. All of your four letter words are two syllables.
85. You've ever been too drunk to fish?
86. You cut your toenails in front of company.
87. You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.
88. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
89. Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you.
90. You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.
91. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
92. You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.
93. You can spit without opening your mouth.
94. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
95. You call your boss "dude".
96. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
97. You have grease under your toenails.
98. You consider your license plate personalized because your father
made it.
99. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
100. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
101. You've ever been fired from a construction job because of your
appearance.
102. You've ever cleaned fish in your living room.
103. You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
104. You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute
for toilet paper.
105. Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
106. When asked for I.D. you show them your belt buckle.
107. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds. 108. Your wife's
hair-do was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.
109. Your father walks you to school because you're both in the same
grade.
110. Your house doesn't have curtains but your pick-up does.
111. Your father encourages you to quit school because uncle Larry has an opening at the "Lube Rack".
112. You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
113.Anyone in your family has ever worn a tube-top to a wedding.
114. Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help him take off the wheels and skirt it.
115. You consider a six-pack and a bug zapper to be quality entertainment.
116. Your front porch collapses and it kills more than three dogs.
117. Your family tree doesn't fork. 118. Directions to your house include the phrase "turn off the paved road".
119. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
120. You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while you're at bingo.
121. You prominently display the gift you got at Graceland.
122. You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
123. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
124. You've been to a funeral where there were more pick-ups than cars.
125. Jack Daniels makes your most admired list.
126. You have only one more hole to be punched in your card to get a
freebie at the "House of Tattoos".
127. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
128. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
129. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
130. Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves shoes and a flashlight.
131. People ask you for ID and you show them your belt buckle.
132. Your brother and sister get divorced...from each other.
133. Your wife asks you to fix the furniture...and you use any of the following: a) Duct Tape; b) Welding torch; c) any sticky bodily fluids.
134. Your porch collapses and more than 6 dogs die.
(Added: Mon Feb 03 2003 Hits: 7 Rating: 4.50 Votes: 2) Rate It
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36 things you'll never hear from a Redneck!
36 things you'll never hear from a Redneck...
1. "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"
2. "Duct tape won't fix that."
3. "Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken."
4. "We don't keep firearms in this house."
5. "You can't feed that to the dog."
6. "I thought Graceland was tacky."
7. "No kids in the back of the pick-up...it's not safe."
8. "Professional wresslin's fake."
9. "Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?"
10. "We're vegetarians."
11. "Do you think my hair is too big?"
12. "I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy."
13. "Honey, these bonsai trees need watering."
14. "I don't understand the appeal of NASCAR."
15. "Give me the small bag of pork rinds."
16. "Deer heads detract from the decor."
17. "Spitting is such a nasty habit."
18. "I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today."
19. "Trim the fat off that steak."
20. "Cappuccino tastes better than espresso."
21. "The tires on that truck are too big."
22. "I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad."
23. "I've got it all on a floppy disk."
24. "Unsweetened tea tastes better."
25. "Would you like your fish poached or broiled?"
26. "My fiance is registered at Tiffany's."
27. "I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl."
28. "She's too old to be wearing that bikini."
29. "Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?"
30. "Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen."
31. "I don't have a favorite college football team."
32. "Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side."
33. "I believe you cooked those green beans too long."
34. "Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla."
35. "Elvis who?"
36. "Checkmate"
(Added: Mon Feb 03 2003 Hits: 7 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Alabama License Application
Last name: _________________
First name:
(Check appropriate box)
[_] billy bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue
Age: ______ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: _____M_____F_____Not sure
Shoe Size: _____Left_____Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Unemployed [_] Dirty Politician
Spouse's Name_________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: _________________
3rd Spouse's Name: _________________
Lover's Name: ________________________
2nd Lover's Name: ___________________
Relationship to spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet
Number of children living in household: _____
Number of children living in shed: _____
Number that are yours: _____
Mother's Name: ___________________
Father's Name: ___________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?
___ Total number of vehicles that you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Where your firearms are kept:
[_] truck [_] kitchen
[_] bedroom [_] bathroom
[_] shed
Model and year of your pickup: _______ 194_
Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; if no, please explain:
_____________________
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not applicable
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A
How many?_____
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: [_] Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 200-400 miles
[_] over 400 miles
[_] what's a miles?
(Added: Mon Feb 03 2003 Hits: 7 Rating: 4.33 Votes: 3) Rate It
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Clarence
A redneck girl was dating a fellow in Pennsylvania named Clarence. They got into a huge fight and she told her two brothers (Billy Bob and Billy Jim) about it. They jumped into their pick-up truck and headed to Pennsylvania to settle the score with Clarence. They reached teh state line and after passing under an over-pass, Billy Bob made a quick U-turn and headed back home quickly.
Billy Jim asked why he had turned around.
Billy Bob replied, "I ain't messing around with that dude. Did you see that sign back there? 'Clearance 14 feet 8 inches.'"
(Added: Sun Feb 02 2003 Hits: 7 Rating: 4.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Drinking and Driving
One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Budweisers.
The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-leece roadbloack! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"
Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on out forheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl.
They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?"
"No sir," said Earl, "We're on the patch."
(Added: Sun Feb 02 2003 Hits: 7 Rating: 4.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Duct Tape?
Q: What do you call a roll of duct tape??
A: Red neck chrome.
(Added: Sun Feb 02 2003 Hits: 7 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Famous Last Words
Q: What are the famous last words of a redneck?
A: "Hey ya'll... Watch this!"
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Ford
What does Ford stand for?
Found On Rednecks Driveway!
(Added: Mon Feb 03 2003 Hits: 6 Rating: 10.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Getting a Red Neck Out of a Tree
Q: How do you get a one-armed redneck out of a tree?
A: Wave.
(Added: Sun Feb 02 2003 Hits: 7 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Giving Directions
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
(Added: Sun Feb 02 2003 Hits: 7 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Glass Eye
A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous redhead eating at the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but lacked the nerve to go talk to her.
Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of her socket towards the man. With his quick reflexes, he caught it in mid-air.
"Oh my god, I am sooooo sorry," the woman said as she popped her eye back in the socket. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invited him back to her place for a drink.
They went back to her house, and after a bit she brought him into the bedroom and began undressing him. The couple had wild, passionate sex many times during the night.
The next morning when he awoke, she had already gotten up and brought him breakfast in bed.
The guy was amazed. "You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No, she replied.... You just happened to catch my eye!"
(Added: Sun Feb 02 2003 Hits: 6 Rating: 2.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Hooked on Phonics
You might be a redneck if you turned your child in to the police because you thought he/she was Hooked on Phonics.
(Added: Sun Feb 02 2003 Hits: 8 Rating: 4.00 Votes: 2) Rate It
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Learn to speak Southern...
Before heading south for a vacation, it may be a good idea to learn the language of our southern brothers and sisters. And we're here to help...
Hah Tu Spek Suthun:
BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."
MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I taint herd from him in munts."
ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."
BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"
TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."
RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."
FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."
JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?"
HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."
VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"
GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"
(Added: Mon Feb 03 2003 Hits: 7 Rating: 3.41 Votes: 10) Rate It
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Lecture on Supernatural
A professor at W.Virginia University is giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands. "Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands. "That's a great response."
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic."
"But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in a flannel shirt and baseball cap way in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student complies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.
The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."
The student replies, "Ghost?!? Sheeyit..... From back there it sounded like you said 'goats'".
(Added: Sun Feb 02 2003 Hits: 7 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 2) Rate It
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Martha Stewarts Guide for Rednecks
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed it's time to change sheets.
5. Even if you're CERTAIN that you are included in the will ... it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral.
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should NEVER be prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do NOT allow the dog to eat at the table ... no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of money.
3. Dirt & grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as it tends to detract from a woman's jewelry & alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wantin' to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday". If the latter is the answer it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up as soon as the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they cannot hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks & shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires ALWAYS has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do NOT lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
(Added: Sun Feb 02 2003 Hits: 7 Rating: 3.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Meet Bubba's Family!
Hi y'all...muh name id's Bubba and dis is muh fameily:
Furst is me... Mom said I got all the good looks and no brains. I love being a babe hound. Girls make spit roll down my chin. I have a stomach problem and fart alot.
My Mom has lots of boyfriends. One of them has a job. She says with a little luck I could be a garbage man one day.
My brother Hank is in jail right now. When he gets out he is not allowed to be around animals and kitchen appliances.
My grandmom lives with us in our trailer. Shes smells real bad. She likes to hang out in bars and drink beer. Grandma has sores all over and they leak yellow stuff on the furniture. The flies are terrible.
My mom says she is almost positive this is who my Dad is. He lives in a Federal Penitentiary in Montana. When he gets out in 55 years we are gonna go fishing. The blood stains inside my Dads truck are almost all gone!
My younger sister Jill lost all her teeth. She was licking a egg beater after mom made a cake and my cousin Jimmy turned it on by accident.
We are proud of my older brother Barney. He is only 27 and all ready in the 4th grade. He wants to be a Doctor and can write his own name!
Then there's my half brother Jim Bob and his wife. She is a hottie. They raise Possum in their back yard. They are not allowed to have children.
My older sister Sue Ellen has 15 kids and they all look different. We depend on her welfare check to get by. She has a disease that makes her itch.
Jethro is my 1st cousin. He runs a tomato stand down by the highway. He once went 53 days without taking a bath.
Buck is my second cousin. He is pretty smart. Buck is going to be a dentist some day. He does all the work on our teeth.
My sisters boyfriend for now is Larry. He fixes lawn mowers in the city. My sister says he has a hairy butt.
Michael used to be my best friend but got killed by a bus on the interstate. I still wear his underwear.
Jake is my new friend. He holds the park record. He once jumped over 7 trailers. Jake crashed alot and talks real slow now. His doctor told him to wear a helmit.
My uncle Marky is still having problems. He doesn't know what he wants in life anymore. He is a Veitnam War hero and now sells perfume at a department store.
My step brother Phil had a hunting accident years ago. The bullet is lodged just over his right ear. It's hard to understand him sometimes and he always stinks like rotten cheese.
That's the END OF MUH FAMEILY!
(Added: Mon Feb 03 2003 Hits: 6 Rating: 4.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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More Redneck Clues.
Even more clues you could be a Redneck...
You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
You've ever been pumping gas and another customer asks you to check his oil.
You think the Bud Bowl is real.
Your dog goes "oink!"
You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts.
You know how to milk a goat.
Your kids have a three-day old Kool-Aid mustache.
Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.
You've ever stood outside a bathroom and heckled someone inside.
Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.
You have a refrigerator just for beer.
You come back from the dump with more than you took.
Your wife owns a camouflage nightie.
You've ever worn cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts.
You don't think baseball players spit and scratch too much.
You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve yourselves.
The most common phrase heard in your house is, "Somebody go jiggle the handle."
You can't take a nap without at least one hand tucked inside your pants.
(Added: Mon Feb 03 2003 Hits: 5 Rating: 3.29 Votes: 7) Rate It
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More Redneck One-liners!
You just might be a Redneck if:
You've ever tried to drown a fish.
You can yell to your mom, "Hey, Aunt Betty!"
Your kids fight with the dogs for their dinner.
You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
Your mother has been involved in a fist-fight at a high school sports event.
None of your shirts cover your stomach.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
Your family tree does not fork.
Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."
You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
The fifth grade is referred to as " your senior year."
Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
You have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial.
Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
The UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.
Your two-year-old has more teeth than you do.
You have ever been accused of lying through your tooth.
Your underwear doubles as your bathing suit.
You let you kid pee in the parking lot at K-Mart.
(Added: Mon Feb 03 2003 Hits: 4 Rating: 4.33 Votes: 3) Rate It
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No to Crack
You might be a redneck if you see a sign that says, "Just say NO to crack!" and it reminds you to pull up your pants!
(Added: Sun Feb 02 2003 Hits: 8 Rating: 4.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Phone For Texas Aggie
Soon after the Texas Aggie clocked in for work, the foreman called him over and told him that he had a phone call in the front office. When the Aggie returned, he had a mournful expression on his face and his head hung low. His foreman noticed and asked if he had received bad news.
"Shure was, Boss" he replied, "I just found out that my mother died earlier this morning.
"Gosh, that's awful," replied the foreman "Do you want the rest of the day off?"
"No," replied the Aggie. "I'll finish the day out."
About an hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that there was another phone call for him up front. This time when the Aggie returned he looked twice as glum and the foreman asked if everything was alright.
"Jezz, Boss this has to be the worst day of my life," Moaned the Aggie.
"That was my brother, and his mother died today too!"
(Added: Mon Feb 03 2003 Hits: 8 Rating: 4.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Red Neck Driver's License
REDNECK DRIVERS LICENSE APPLICATION Last name: ________________
(Check appropriate box) First name: First name:
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue [_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo [_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann [_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee [_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen [_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess) Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation: [_] Farmer [_] Mechanic [_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress [_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician
Spouse's Name: __________________________ 2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________ 3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________ Lover's Name: __________________________ 2nd Lover's Name: __________________________ Relationship with spouse: [_] Sister [_] Aunt [_] Brother [_] Uncle [_] Mother [_] Son [_] Father [_] Daughter [_] Cousin [_] Pet
Number of children living in household: ___ Number of children living in shed: ___ Number of children that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________ Father's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack? [_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe [_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest [_] Rifle and Shotgun
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO =
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe: [_] Weekly [_] Monthly [_] Not Applicable
How many teeth? ___ Color of teeth: [_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow [_] Brown [_] Black [_] N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: =
[_] Red-Man How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile [_] 2 miles [_] don't know
(Added: Sun Feb 02 2003 Hits: 6 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Red Neck Filing System
You might be a red neck if you lose your whole filing system every time you use the sun visor in your pickup truck.
(Added: Sun Feb 02 2003 Hits: 6 Rating: 4.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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