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Moral Question Here is a moral question for you. This is an imaginary situation, but it may be interesting deciding what you would do.
The situation: You are in the Midwest, and there is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised, and infrastructure destroyed. Let's say you're a photographer out getting still photos for a news service, traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes. If you were to stumble across Bill Clinton struggling to keep from being swept away in a raging river and you had a choice of rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer prize-winning photograph of the death of a President, what shutter speed would you use? (Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 1 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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My Position A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey.
"If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it."
"But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it.
"This is my position, and I will not compromise!" (Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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My Position A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey.
"If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it."
"But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it.
"This is my position, and I will not compromise!" (Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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New Dance There was a dance teacher who talked of a very old dance called the Politician. "All you have to do" she told her class "is take three steps forward, two steps backward, then side-step side-step and turn around." (Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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New Dance There was a dance teacher who talked of a very old dance called the Politician. "All you have to do" she told her class "is take three steps forward, two steps backward, then side-step side-step and turn around." (Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Nice Woman A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl and they are going to be married. He tells his mother that he is sure she will be happier since he knows that his gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to her.
She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, "I suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?"
He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish, but is from a wealthy Beverly Hills family. She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks, "What is her name?"
He answers, "Monica Lewinsky."
There is a long pause, then his mother asks, "What happened to that nice Catholic boy you were dating last year?" (Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Nixon vs. Clinton Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Waterbed
Nixon: Biggest fear: Cold war
Clinton: Biggest fear: Cold sore
Nixon: Carpet bombing
Clinton: Carpet burns
Nixon: Vice President: Greek
Clinton: Vice President: Geek
Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her.
Nixon: Known as tricky Dick
Clinton: no difference
Nixon: Ex-president
Clinton: Sex President
...and my #1 favorite:
Nixon: Talked of achieving Peace with honor.
Clinton: Talked of achieving piece while on her. (Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 1 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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One day, many years One day, many years after the Clinton scandal, Hillary is struck by a car and killed. Soon, Hillary finds herself at the gates of Heaven. She sees St. Peter and asks ''Can I get into heaven now?''
He says ''Soon, I have some things to take care of.''
So St. Peter leaves and Hillary looks at the scenery and sees millions of clocks lying around. Every once in a while, a clock or so would turn ahead 15 minutes. Hillary wondered why. Soon, St. Peter came back and Hillary asked ''St. Peter, What are all these clocks for?''
St Peter replies ''Each clock represents a man. Every time a man commits adultry, the clock turns ahead 15 minutes.
Hillary asks ''Where's my husbands clock?'' St. Peter replies ''Oh, it's in God's office, he uses it for a fan.'' (Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 3 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Osama/Taliban Jokes Late Nite Jokes heard on T.V.
"There is now a $5 million dollar bounty on Osama bin Laden. Which marks the first time in history there has ever been a bounty on a guy's head who wears Bounty on his head."
— Jay Leno
"We are starting to learn more about Osama bin Laden. For his birthday one year, somebody gave him a $4 Timex. We know that. He is married to the daughter of a guy named Mullah Muhammed Omar. I think her name is Tiffany Omar. Insiders say that the marriage is not working out. Apparently they are living in separate caves."
— David Letterman
"It looks like now the military action is taking effect. They think that bin Laden's organization is starting to break down. Today satellite photos actually show the sand fleas are leaving his beard."
— David Letterman
"There are now rumors that the Taliban has been poisoning the food we have been dropping. We should make a deal with the people of Afghanistan. We'll taste your food, you check our mail."
— Jay Leno
"People are wondering what will happen to Afghanistan when we're finished fighting there. I'm sure there are plans to rebuild the country, and a lot of times with rebuilding comes a name change. These are some possible name changes the government has been mulling over: Halfghanistan, Pothole-istan, Jenniferanistan, Assbackwardstan, Bye-bye-Talibanstan, Ass-Kicked-istan."
— Jay Leno
"Everybody is talking about finding bin Laden. How about finding Dick Cheney? Where did he go? What have we got caves over here now, too? Where did he go? I think his Secret Service code name is 'Waldo."
— Jay Leno
"We are getting more and more insight into the life of Osama bin Laden. Today the Saudi Arabian ambassador to the United States said that bin Laden had an unhappy childhood growing up, 52 brothers and sisters. You think his childhood was unhappy, wait 'til we deliver his mid-life crisis."
— Jay Leno
"There are reports on the news tonight that members of the Taliban feel persecuted and fear their own safety. So now they know what it is like to feel like a woman in their country."
— Jay Leno (Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Oz Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Newt Gengrich were on their way to meet the wizard of OZ.
When they met Al Gore asked for a brain, Newt asked for a heart, and Bill asked "where's Dorothy?" (Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Picking a Candidate Two candidates for political office inadvertently scheduled simultaneous campaign rallys in the same park of a small New England town. After a lengthy round of speeches, the candidates worked their way through the crowd - shaking hands, kissing babies and beaming mightily.
Suddenly, the skies opened and it began to rain. One of the candidates fled to take shelter in a nearby restaurant along with half a dozen regulars. The other candidate, however, continued to move through the crowd - shaking hands, kissing babies, etc.
"That man's persistence yonder," observed one of the natives, "sure makes it easy to know who to vote for."
"Yep," another native agreed. "Sure can't see myself casting a vote for a man who hasn't the good sense to come in out of the rain." (Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 1 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Political Periodic Table In a recent contest, The Washington Post asked readers to dream up new elements for the Periodic Table. Among the best of the batch:
Limbaughium Lb
The heaviest known element. It possesses an ever-expanding mass. Very white. Acidic. Emits heat but no light. Instantly polarizes all elements that come in contact with it. Repels protons and electrons; attracts only morons.
With a slick appearance and slimy texture, this element undergoes a series of interesting changes when in hot water.
Canadium Eh
Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much more rigid. Often called Boron.
Innofensium Pc
Precisely equal numbers of electrons, protons, neutrons, leptons, quarks. Completely inert, utterly useless, but smells like a rose.
Newtium
Extreme irritant. Carries a strong negative charge. Does not possess magnetic properties. Can be purchased cheaply.
Quaylium Vp
Einsteinium it ain't.
Budweisium Ps
Has no taste or smell; is often indistinguishable from water.
Cabmium Cb
Found in abundance, except when needed. Exists in two states, in motion and at rest. When in motion, it cannot be stopped, no matter what you do. Cabmium has a charge associated with it. The charge is variable, and scientists have not determined the formula for calculating it.
Politicium Po
Contains a great deal of gas. Similar to radon in that it can reach lethal concentrations in the House.
Congress Cg
Atomic number 525. Can never be found in a solution.
Snot Sn
Bonds forever with corduroy. (Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 2 Rating: 1.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Political Periodic Table In a recent contest, The Washington Post asked readers to dream up new elements for the Periodic Table. Among the best of the batch:
Limbaughium Lb
The heaviest known element. It possesses an ever-expanding mass. Very white. Acidic. Emits heat but no light. Instantly polarizes all elements that come in contact with it. Repels protons and electrons; attracts only morons.
With a slick appearance and slimy texture, this element undergoes a series of interesting changes when in hot water.
Canadium Eh
Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much more rigid. Often called Boron.
Innofensium Pc
Precisely equal numbers of electrons, protons, neutrons, leptons, quarks. Completely inert, utterly useless, but smells like a rose.
Newtium
Extreme irritant. Carries a strong negative charge. Does not possess magnetic properties. Can be purchased cheaply.
Quaylium Vp
Einsteinium it ain't.
Budweisium Ps
Has no taste or smell; is often indistinguishable from water.
Cabmium Cb
Found in abundance, except when needed. Exists in two states, in motion and at rest. When in motion, it cannot be stopped, no matter what you do. Cabmium has a charge associated with it. The charge is variable, and scientists have not determined the formula for calculating it.
Politicium Po
Contains a great deal of gas. Similar to radon in that it can reach lethal concentrations in the House.
Congress Cg
Atomic number 525. Can never be found in a solution.
Snot Sn
Bonds forever with corduroy. (Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Possible Titles for Monica's Autobiography * "I Suck At My Job"
* "What Really Goes Down In The White House"
* "How I Blew It In Washington"
* "Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President"
* "Clear and Present Boner"
* "Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule"
* "Going Back for Gore"
* "Podium Girl" * "Secret Services to the President"
* "Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton"
* "Deep Inside The Oval Office"
* "The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions"
* "My Chief of Staff"
* "Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes"
* "How To Beat Off the Government"
* "Going Down and Moving Up"
* "Members of the Cabinet"
* "Me and My Big Mouth"
* "How To Get A Head in Business" (Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Post Election Toast The Election Is Over, The Results Are Known.
The Will Of The People Has Been Clearly Shown.
So Lets All Get Together And Let Bitterness Pass,
I'll Hug Your Elephant, And You Can Kiss My ASS!!!!! (Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Presidential election Al Gore's wife held a press conference today at the White House where she announced that until the election is over she will shave off all her pubic hair and sit on stage with husband Al, and wearing no panties.
Astounded reporters asked what the message was, to which she replied "Read my lips. No more Bush" (Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Presidential Quiz A - Bill Clinton
B - Warren G. Harding
C - Andrew Jackson
D - Thomas Jefferson
E - Lyndon B. Johnson
F - John F. Kennedy
G - Franklin D. Roosevelt
H - George Washington
1. Which president smoked marijuana with a nude playgirl while he joked about being too wasted to "push the button" in case of nuclear attack?
2. Which president allegedly had affairs with both a winner AND a finalist in the Miss America pageant?
3. Which president had sex with one of his secretaries stretched out atop a desk in the oval office?
4. Which president allegedly had an affair (as well as children) with a slave who was his wife's half sister?
5. Which president called his mistress "Pookie"?
6. Which president married a woman who hadn't yet divorced her first husband, and was branded an "adulterer" during his re-election campaign?
7. Which future president wrote love letters to his neighbor's wife while he was engaged to someone else?
8. Which president had a torrid affair with the first lady's personal secretary?
9. Which president had sex with a young woman in a White House coat closet - at one point, while a secret service agent prevented the hysterical first lady from attacking them?
10. Which president had sex in a closet while telling his partner about the *other* president who did the same in a closet? (The one from Question 9)?
11. Which vice president was ticked off because he felt that HIS record of sexual conquests was much more "impressive" (i.e. numerous) than the President's?
12. Which future president, while a college student, enjoyed showing off his p***s (which he named Jumbo)?
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Scroll down for answers ...
ANSWERS
1. F
2. A
3. E
4. D
5. A
6. C
7. H, E
8. G, F
9. B
10. F
11. E
12. E (Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Presidential Quiz A - Bill Clinton
B - Warren G. Harding
C - Andrew Jackson
D - Thomas Jefferson
E - Lyndon B. Johnson
F - John F. Kennedy
G - Franklin D. Roosevelt
H - George Washington
1. Which president smoked marijuana with a nude playgirl while he joked about being too wasted to "push the button" in case of nuclear attack?
2. Which president allegedly had affairs with both a winner AND a finalist in the Miss America pageant?
3. Which president had sex with one of his secretaries stretched out atop a desk in the oval office?
4. Which president allegedly had an affair (as well as children) with a slave who was his wife's half sister?
5. Which president called his mistress "Pookie"?
6. Which president married a woman who hadn't yet divorced her first husband, and was branded an "adulterer" during his re-election campaign?
7. Which future president wrote love letters to his neighbor's wife while he was engaged to someone else?
8. Which president had a torrid affair with the first lady's personal secretary?
9. Which president had sex with a young woman in a White House coat closet - at one point, while a secret service agent prevented the hysterical first lady from attacking them?
10. Which president had sex in a closet while telling his partner about the *other* president who did the same in a closet? (The one from Question 9)?
11. Which vice president was ticked off because he felt that HIS record of sexual conquests was much more "impressive" (i.e. numerous) than the President's?
12. Which future president, while a college student, enjoyed showing off his p***s (which he named Jumbo)?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scroll down for answers ...
ANSWERS
1. F
2. A
3. E
4. D
5. A
6. C
7. H, E
8. G, F
9. B
10. F
11. E
12. E (Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Quaylisms "Quaylisms"
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have
was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse
with those people."
-- J. Danforth Quayle
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- J. Danforth
Quayle
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and
child."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts." --
Vice President Dan Quayle
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same
distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures
where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that
means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is
being very wasteful. How true that is."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean
in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I
didn't live in this century."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/15/88
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
democracy - but that could change."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president,
and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89
"May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world."
-- The Quayles' 1989 Christmas card. [Not a beacon of literacy,
though.]
"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things." -- Vice President
Dan Quayle, 11/30/88
"We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward." -- Vice
President Dan Quayle
"I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements
in the Future."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"The future will be better tomorrow." -- Vice President Dan Quayle
"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/21/88
"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions
and have a tremendous impact on history."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/89
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a
firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe." -- Vice
President Dan Quayle
"Public speaking is very easy."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle to reporters in 10/88
"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican." -- Vice President
Dan Quayle
"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Vice
President Dan Quayle
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the
polls."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots
and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is
to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for
the killings? The killers are to blame."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having
it."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/20/92 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
"Murphy Brown is doing better than I am. At least she knows she still
has a job next year."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/18/92
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --
Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/22/90
"For NASA, space is still a high priority." -- Vice President Dan
Quayle, 9/5/90
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our
children."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/18/90
"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan
Quayle may or may not make."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on
the mistakes we may or may not have made."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system." -- Vice
President Dan Quayle (Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 1 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Razorback Hogs Bill Clinton got off his helicopter in front of the White House with a baby pig under each arm. The Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted, and said "Nice pigs, Sir!"
The President replied "These are not pigs. They are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hillary, and I got one for Chelsea."
The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and replied, "Nice trade, Sir!" (Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Republican -- Democrat Politics: It all really just boils down to this:
Issue:
Criminals:
Democrats: Give them a Republicans: Give them the swift
The poor:
Democrats: Give Republicans: Give them the swift
End Democrats: Give Republicans: Give them the swift
Dictators:
Democrats: Give Republicans: Give them the swift
The uninsured:
Democrats: Give t Republicans: Give them the swift
*The cost:
Democrats: $9,000,000, Republicans: $29.95 (co (Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 1 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Republican -- Democrat Politics: It all really just boils down to this:
Issue:
Criminals:
Democrats: Give them a Republicans: Give them the swift
The poor:
Democrats: Give Republicans: Give them the swift
End Democrats: Give Republicans: Give them the swift
Dictators:
Democrats: Give Republicans: Give them the swift
The uninsured:
Democrats: Give t Republicans: Give them the swift
*The cost:
Democrats: $9,000,000, Republicans: $29.95 (Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 1 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Revocation of Independence To the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium" . Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.
Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. Merde is French for "shit"
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your cooperation. (Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 1 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Run Mr Taliban Song... Sung to the tune of "Day-O" (The Banana Boat Song)
Day-O...oh Day-O,
Air force come and they flatten your home
Run Mr Taliban, we know where you're hiding,
Air force come and they flatten your home
Hey USA, USA, USA...
Air force come and they flatten you home
60ft, 70ft, 80ft craters,
Air force come and they flatten your home
Old Uncle Sam's pissed, he ain't no quitter,
Air force come and they flatten your home
When we finish you all be crying,
Air force come and they flatten your home,
Pilot is brother of New York fireman
Air force come and they flatten your home (Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 3 Rating: 4.67 Votes: 3) Rate It
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Rush Limbaugh Rush Limbaugh is being driven through the country and when he nears a farm, the chauffeur accidentally runs over a pig. Rush Limbaugh says that the chauffuer better go in and apologize and pay for the pig. The chauffuer is in there for 10 hours. When he comes out, Rush Limbaugh asks what happened and the chauffeur says, "Well, I went in and told them and the farmer gave me a feast and the mother and daughter gave me incredible sex for 7 hours!!" "Well, what did you say?!" cries Rush Limbaugh jealously. "Oh, I told them that I was Rush Limbaugh's chauffeur and I'd just killed the pig." (Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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