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George W. Bush Meets Moses
George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.
George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses."
The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.
George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?"
The man continued to peruse the ceiling.
George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?"
The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am."
George W. asked him why he was so uppity.
Moses replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert!"
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 2 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 2) Rate It
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Girl Talk
Hillary and Chelsea are sitting around the table having a mother/daughter talk.
Hillary asks Chelsea, "You have been going to college for awhile now. Have you had sex yet?"
Chelsea says, "Well, not according to Dad."
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Give an example of tragedy
Give an example of tragedy
Winston Peters is visiting a school.
In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a ''tragedy''. One little boy stands up and offersthat, ''if my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy''.
''No,'' Winston says, ''That would be an ACCIDENT.''
A girl raises her hand. ''If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a tragedy''. ''I'm afraid not, ''explains Winston, ''that is what we would call a GREAT LOSS.''
The room is silent, none of the other children volunteer. ''What?'' asks Winston, ''isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?''
Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: ''If an airplane carrying Winston Peters was blown up by a bomb, THAT would be a tragedy''.
''Wonderful!'' Winston beams. ''Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?'' ''Well,'' says the boy, ''because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss!''
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GOD's New Commandment!
NEWS FLASH - GOD ANNOUNCES THE 11TH COMMANDMENT!
During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses, and Saint Peter concluded that the behavior of Ex-President Clinton has brought about the need for an eleventh commandment.
They worked long and hard in a brain-storming session to try to settle on the wording of the new commandment, because they realized that it should have the same style, majesty and dignity as the original ten. They began their brain-storming and came up with the 11th.
After many revisions, they finally agreed that the eleventh commandment should be:
"Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."
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Goodbye To Bin Laden
Written by a Viet Nam Vet
GOD BLESS AMERICA!
"In Memory of The Twin Towers"
Warning song to Osama bin Laden
(the tune of Rawhide)
The devil came from nowhere
He attacked us from the sky.
He bloodied up our nation
didn't give a reason why.
Now he's placed a spear in our eye
said its done it Allahs name
So God's coming lookin for him
And he's got himself to blame.
No more runnin, no more hiding, there's no place for you to go
For the wrath of God is coming and he isn't movin slow.
You defiled the love of all mankind without a single thought
And the world is coming for you now with everything its got.
Just go hidin in your hills
You'll be buried in your caves.
You'll get what you've got comin now
For being Satans slaves.
You've woke the sleeping giant
From his legendary sleep
Now with open roar like lions
There's one promise he will keep
No more runnin, no more hiding, there's no place for you to go
For the wrath of God is coming and he isn't movin slow.
You've defiled the love of all mankind without a single thought
And the world is coming for you now with everything its got.
So don't close your eyes a moment
Cause you surely see death there.
Don't waste your time in moanin
You just haven't got a prayer.
You chose to terrify the world
with your sensely killing spree
Brought violence into our lives
Placed hate inside of me.
No more runnin, no more hiding, there's no place for you to go
For the wrath of God is coming and he isn't movin slow.
You've defiled the love of all mankind without a single thought
And the world is coming for you now with everything its got.
In this peaceful loving Nation
Home of brave and of the free
All are calling up your number
over land and over sea
We have seen the vileness in your soul
the horrors you create
Now this angry nations coming
look around we're at your gate
No more runnin, no more hiding, there's no place for you to go
For the wrath of God is coming and he isn't movin slow.
You've defiled the love of all mankind without a single thought
And the world is coming for you now with everything its got.
Yes this world is coming for you now (Pause) with everything its got.
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Government Policy: Snake Attack
The following is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for its volunteers who work in the Amazon Jungle. It tells what to do in case you are attacked by an anaconda,the largest snake in the world. It is a relative of the boa constrictor, it grows to thirty-five feet in length and weighs between three and four hundred pounds at the maximum.
This is what the manual said:
1. If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run. The snake is faster than you are.
2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your legs tight against one another
3. Tuck your chin in.
4. The snake will come and begin to nudge and climb over your body.
5. Do not panic
6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from the feet and - always from the end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and ankles. Do not panic.
7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.
8. When the snake has reached your knees slowly and with as little movement as possible, reach down, take your knife and very gently slide it into the side of the snake's mouth between the edge of its mouth and your leg, then suddenly rip upwards, severing the snake's head.
9. Be sure you have your knife.
10. Be sure your knife is sharp.
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 2 Rating: 4.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Help from Canada...
PRESS RELEASE:
Prime Minister of Canada to Visit Washington Statement by the Press Secretary
President Bush and Prime Minister John Chretien of Canada met on Sept. 24th with the Canadian Leader strongly supporting the war on terrorism. Prime Minister Chretien issued the following statement:
CANADIANS WILL HELP AMERICA WITH THE WAR ON TERRORISM!
WE HAVE PLEDGED:
- 2 BATTLE SHIPS,
- 600 GROUND TROOPS,
- 6 FIGHTER JETS.
AFTER THE AMERICAN EXCHANGE RATE, THEY WILL END UP WITH:
- 2 CANOES,
- 6 MOUNTIES,
- AND A BUNCH OF FLYING SQUIRRELS
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Help Wanted
As you are probably aware, if voting results in Florida stand as they are now, George W. Bush will be our next president. This will have a catastrophic results in our not so vital (dispensable entertainment industry).
Barbara Streisand, Martin Sheen, Susan Sarandon, Whoopie Goldberg, Alec Baldwin - among many others have sworn to leave the country if George Bush is elected president.
And this is where you can help. We need volunteers to help pack and load moving vans. We also need airfare for these irreplaceable national treasures so they can relocate before they change their minds.
For the cost of a small SUV, you can sponsor one of these celebrities and their unfortunate relocation. You will know that your efforts are helping when you receive postcards, letters, and pictures from your chosen "refugee"as they learn to become useful citizens in the Third World country of their choosing.
You will help, won't you? It costs so little but it means so much.
Call 1-800-deport a lib. Operators are standing by. Major credit cards are accepted.
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Hilary's Pregnant
Hilary is not feeling well. She goes to her doctor and gets a complete physical, only to find out that she is pregnant. She is furious and can't believe this has happened.
She calls the White House and gets Bill on the phone, and immediately begins to berate him, screaming:
"How could you have let this happen? With all of the trouble going on right now, you go and get me pregnant!!! How could you???!!!
I just found out I am pregnant and it is your fault!!! How could you??? What have you got to say???"
There is nothing but silence on the phone. She screams again: "CAN YOU HEAR ME???
Bill's quiet voice comes on in a barely audible whisper..."Who is this???"
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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HMO Executive
The Doctor, The Famer and the H.M.O. executive die and are met at the Pearly gates of Heaven by St. Peter.
St. Peter tells the Doctor, "you took care of the sick and dying while on earth, you are welcome to enter Heaven".
St. Peter then speaks to the Farmer and tells him, "while on earth you nourished and fed the people, you are welcome to enter Heaven".
Then St. Peter looks over at the H.M.O. Executive and says, "you can come in for three days".
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How Government Works
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.
Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.
Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman.
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Janet and Hillary
First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks............
Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill....and there's no telling where he last had his pecker."
Janet responded..."Just because I am aesthetically challenged (that's "politically correct" for ugly), doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."
Hillary asks, "Well how do you deal with the problem?"
Janet says, "Whenever I feel that a guy's getting ready to make a pass me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart I can."
Well, that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary headed to bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him.....so, she tensed up her butt cheeks and forced out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.
Bill rolls over and asks, "That you Janet?"
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Letter from College
Dear Mom and Dad:
It has been four months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. Don't read any further unless you are sitting down ...
OK?
Good. I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got from jumping out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire, shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get three headaches a day.
Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at a nearby gas station, and he was able to call the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it is kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but I'm sure it will be before I start to show.
Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I know you will give the baby the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests, and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up, thanks tomy daily penicillin injections. I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind, and although not well educated, he is ambitious Also, he is of a different race and religion than ours, but I know, after all your years of teaching me tolerance, that you won't mind the fact that heis somewhat darker than we are. I am sure you will love him as I do.
His family background is good, too; I am told that his father is an important gunbearer in his native African village.
I guess that's it. Now that I have brought you up to date, I want you to know ... There was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphilis and there is no man of another race in my life.
However, I am getting a "D" in History and an "F" in Science, and I wanted you to see these marks in their proper perspective.
Your loving daughter,
Chelsea
P.S. Stanford is great...I love it, though I miss you both terribly...and Socks, too!
P.P.S Dad, please give my best to Monica & the others.
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Lil Old Lady
A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, tells the teller that she has $5,000,000.00 in cash to be used to open an account. However, before she just hands over that much money, she would like to meet the man who runs things.
The teller calls the bank president, and arranges the meeting. The lady goes into his office, and after introductions are made, the bank president asks the lady how she came to have so much cash on hand.
The lady tells him that she's an avid gambler. The bank president says "You must be the luckiest person that I've ever met, to win so much!" "No" replies the lady, "I will only bet on a sure thing, and since I am somewhat gifted with the ability to see the future, ALL of my bets are sure things."
The bank president smiles and says "No, it must be luck madam. There is no such thing as a sure thing". "I'll prove it!" says the lady. She then closes her eyes and starts to hum softly for about 30 seconds. "O.K...I have looked into your future and I'm afraid there's bad news. By 8:00 a.m tomorrow, your testicles will have changed shape and will be perfectly square."
The bank president is starting to think this lady is nuts, so he tells her that he has no more time for this malarky and he would like for her to leave. The lady refuses, and proposes a wager. The man declines until the old lady says "Look, I'll bet you $5,000.00 that by 8:00 tomorrow morning, your testicles will be square! What have you got to lose? You claim I can't win - there's no such thing as A sure thing...right?" By this the bank pres. is really starting to dislike this old broad, and not only would he enjoy teaching her a lesson, he could use the $5K. "O.K fine!" he yells "You got a bet!".
"Wonderful!" proclaims the lady, "I'll see you 1st thing tomorrow. Do you mind if my attorney accompanies me? I always have him present for wagers over $500.00." The man replies "Lady, I don't care who you bring, as long as you bring the money!"
That night the bank president has some strange dreams, and what the lady said is really starting to get to him. The next morning, he's greatly releaved to see that everything is the same shape as always. He dresses, and goes to the bank where he finds the lady and a man waiting for him.
"Well" says the lady, "Do you want to have the money deposited into my new account, or do you have cash?"
The bank pres. smiles and replies "I feel bad doing this, but nutty old dames like you need to be taught a lesson sometimes, and I know that you can afford it, so it is you that must pay. You see, my testicles are the same shape they've always been. Not the slightest bit square." "What!" cries the lady, "That can't be!! I never imagined that it would come to this, but I won't pay one cent until I've examined the testicles myself!"
The bank pres. blushes with embarrassment, but finally replies "Under the circumstances, I suppose that's not unreasonable" and with that he drops his pants. The lady gets on her knees to grasp him, and her attorney screams "DAMMIT YOU OLD BAT!! YOU'VE DONE IT TO ME AGAIN!!" and he hands her $15,000.00 in cash.
At this point the bank president is completely lost. "What in the hell was that all about?" he asks. "Oh," says the lady as she carefully puts the money into her bag "I bet him that I would literally have the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls before 9:00 this morning. So here's the $5,000.00 that I lost to you, and please add the other $10,000.00 to my new account"
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Lil Old Lady
A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, tells the teller that she has $5,000,000.00 in cash to be used to open an account. However, before she just hands over that much money, she would like to meet the man who runs things.
The teller calls the bank president, and arranges the meeting. The lady goes into his office, and after introductions are made, the bank president asks the lady how she came to have so much cash on hand.
The lady tells him that she's an avid gambler. The bank president says "You must be the luckiest person that I've ever met, to win so much!" "No" replies the lady, "I will only bet on a sure thing, and since I am somewhat gifted with the ability to see the future, ALL of my bets are sure things."
The bank president smiles and says "No, it must be luck madam. There is no such thing as a sure thing". "I'll prove it!" says the lady. She then closes her eyes and starts to hum softly for about 30 seconds. "O.K...I have looked into your future and I'm afraid there's bad news. By 8:00 a.m tomorrow, your testicles will have changed shape and will be perfectly square."
The bank president is starting to think this lady is nuts, so he tells her that he has no more time for this malarky and he would like for her to leave. The lady refuses, and proposes a wager. The man declines until the old lady says "Look, I'll bet you $5,000.00 that by 8:00 tomorrow morning, your testicles will be square! What have you got to lose? You claim I can't win - there's no such thing as A sure thing...right?" By this the bank pres. is really starting to dislike this old broad, and not only would he enjoy teaching her a lesson, he could use the $5K. "O.K fine!" he yells "You got a bet!".
"Wonderful!" proclaims the lady, "I'll see you 1st thing tomorrow. Do you mind if my attorney accompanies me? I always have him present for wagers over $500.00." The man replies "Lady, I don't care who you bring, as long as you bring the money!"
That night the bank president has some strange dreams, and what the lady said is really starting to get to him. The next morning, he's greatly releaved to see that everything is the same shape as always. He dresses, and goes to the bank where he finds the lady and a man waiting for him.
"Well" says the lady, "Do you want to have the money deposited into my new account, or do you have cash?"
The bank pres. smiles and replies "I feel bad doing this, but nutty old dames like you need to be taught a lesson sometimes, and I know that you can afford it, so it is you that must pay. You see, my testicles are the same shape they've always been. Not the slightest bit square." "What!" cries the lady, "That can't be!! I never imagined that it would come to this, but I won't pay one cent until I've examined the testicles myself!"
The bank pres. blushes with embarrassment, but finally replies "Under the circumstances, I suppose that's not unreasonable" and with that he drops his pants. The lady gets on her knees to grasp him, and her attorney screams "DAMMIT YOU OLD BAT!! YOU'VE DONE IT TO ME AGAIN!!" and he hands her $15,000.00 in cash.
At this point the bank president is completely lost. "What in the hell was that all about?" he asks. "Oh," says the lady as she carefully puts the money into her bag "I bet him that I would literally have the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls before 9:00 this morning. So here's the $5,000.00 that I lost to you, and please add the other $10,000.00 to my new account"
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Love Handles
Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie.
"Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!", she exclaimed.
"No", said the genie, "You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish."
"Lets see," says Monica, "I don't need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage...."
"And I don't need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, I'll have all the money I could ever want..."
"I would like to get rid of these love handles, though. Yeah, that's it,for my one wish, I would like my love handles removed."
Poof, and just like that, her ears were gone!
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Lying Congressmen
A pair of congressmen met for lunch to hash out their political differences. Ten minutes into the meal, one angrily pounded the table. "You're lying!" he shouted.
"Of course I'm lying," the other said, "but hear me out."
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Lying Politicians
A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff then asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?" The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
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Medical Appointment
While undressing for bed one night, ol' Bill notices something like a red rash around his penis.
Alarmed, he thinks, "I can't let Hillary see this!", and makes a point of getting to his doctor at Bethesda Naval Hospital, the very next day.
"Doc," he says, "I've got this red ring around my, you know. What is it, and how do I get rid of it?"
The doctor says, "Well, I'm not exactly sure what it is, but take these pills for a week, and see if that takes care of it. If not, come back and we'll try something else."
Bill takes the pills for the week, but unfortunately, the red ring is still there after 7 days. He goes back to his doctor and tells him the pills didn't help.
So the doctor prescribes another medication, capsules this time, and gives him the same instructions. Take them for a week, and come back if it's not improved. Bill takes the capsules for a week, and damn, the red ring is still there.
So he goes back to his doctor and asks, "What next?"
The doctor gives him a cream in a tube this time. Rub this on every day for a week, and let me know.
Bill goes back in a week and says, "Great news, doc! The rash is gone! That stuff in the tube was wonderful! What was it?"
The doctor replied, "Lipstick remover".
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Midget Housing Subsidies
Recently, our town received a grant to build housing for midgets.
According to our demographics, they figured that we should have six midgets living here. They sent enough money so that we could finance the building of homes and let the "little people" pay less than the going rate for rent.
Since we have only one "little person" living here it turns out that he won't have to pay anything for the only house we built, the subsidy covers everything.
We call it a Stay Free Mini Pad.
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Monica & the Genie!
Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie.
"Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!", she exclaimed.
"No", said the genie, "You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish."
"Lets see," says Monica, "I don't need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage."
"And I don't need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, I'll have all the money I could ever want."
"I would like to get rid of these love handles, though." "Yeah, that's it,for my one wish, I would like my love handles removed."
Poof!, and just like that, her ears were gone!
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Monica and The Dress
Monica Lewinsky walks into her dry-cleaning store and tells the cleaner's clerk, "I've got another dress for you to clean."
Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"
"No," says Monica. "It's Mustard..."
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Monica in North Carolina
Did you know that Monica Lewinsky is moving to North Carolina?
She doesn't know exactly where she'll live, but it's a toss-up between Blowing Rock and Morehead City.
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Monica's Diary
Entry 1
Dear Diary,
I'm so excited! Just got a job as an intern at the White House.... and I don't know a thing about medicine. Don't even know what my duties are yet, but I hope it's a "hands on" position. Entry 2
Dear Diary,
You won't believe this! I snuck into the Oval Office when no one was looking. But then I dropped one of my contacts. So, I got down on my hands and knees and was looking for it when-guess what-the president walked in. He said, "You must be the new intern." That man is psychic! I hope he likes me. Entry 3
Dear Diary,
I think the president likes me. Today he dropped his contacts on the rug and asked me to find them. Entry 4
Dear Diary,
He really likes me. Entry 5
Dear Diary,
I have been sent to the stupid Pentagon to work. It is such a drag. Like they're going to put me in charge of heat-seeking missiles or something. But I still talk to my Bubba-cakes on the phone. He calls me "1-900 Monica." (That means he thinks I'm one in nine hundred. That's pretty special.) Entry 6
Dear Diary,
I met a really nice girl today. Her name is Linda. She's really cool except for that clown hair. Has she ever heard the word "conditioner?" She looks like Mrs. Ronald McDonald. Entry 7
Dear Diary,
I think Linda is hard of hearing. She keeps asking me to speak louder whenever we go out for a quiet dinner. Entry 8
Dear Diary,
Oh-oh. The bad news: I've been subpoenaed. The good news is that Vernon Jordan is my new best friend. I'm going job hunting with him tomorrow. Entry 9
Dear Diary,
I had to give an affidavit in that stupid Paula Jones' case. What is she talking about? There are no distinguishing marks. And, by the way, I am way cuter than her. She looks like David Brenner in drag. Entry 10
Dear Diary,
I've had it. I'm never going to be an intern again. I'm going back to Hollywood where they pay you for that kind of work. Entry 11
Dear Diary,
Finally got home to L.A. and hugged Daddy so hard I thought I would I hope Spielberg will direct
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Monica's Dress
Monica Lewinski goes into her cleaners with a dress to be cleaned. As she enters, she sees that Mr. Lee, (the owner of the cleaners and whom is hard of hearing), is in the back.
She yells, " Mr. Lee, Mr. Lee, It's Monica. I have a dress to be cleaned."
Mr. Lee yells, "Come again"
Monica says, "No, it is gravy this time."
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