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George W and the VP...
George W. Bush and his veep running mate, Dick Cheney were talking,
when George W. said, "I hate all the dumb George W. jokes people tell about me."
Wise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss kid, said sage-like, "Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you."
Now Cheney, to patronize George W, took him outside and hailed a taxi driver.
"Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," said Cheney.
The cab driver without saying a word drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, Cheney looked at George W. and said, "See! That guy was really stupid!"
"No kidding," replied George W. "There was a pay phone just around the corner...
You could have called instead?"
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Herc, Snow White & Quasie!
Hercules, Snow White and Quasemoto were sitting at a table talking.
Hercules says, "I think I'm the strongest man in the world but it hasn't been proven yet."
Snow White says "I think I'm the fairest lady in the land but it hasn't been proven yet."
Quasie says "I think I'm the ugliest,meanest son of a gun in the world but it hasn't been proven yet."
The next day Hercules and Snow White are sitting at the table and Hercules says, "It's true I'm the strongest man in the world for God told me so".
Snow White says " It's true I'm the fairest lady in the land for God told me so."
Just then, Quasie started walking up the road really steamed and says " Guys can you do me a favor? Tell me who the heck is Janet Reno?"
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Inmates Running the Asylum?
Can you imagine working for this organization? It has less than 1000 employees with the following statistics:
*29 have been accused of spousal abuse
*7 have been arrested for fraud
*19 have been accused of writing bad checks
*117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
*3 have been arrested for assault
*71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
*14 have been arrested on drug related charges
*8 have been arrested for shoplifting
*21 are current defendants in lawsuits
*In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving
Can you guess which organization this is? Give up?
It's the 535 members of The United States Congress; the same group that cranks the laws designed to keep the rest of us in line. Are the inmates running the asylum?
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Iraqi TV Schedule
Iraqi Prime Time Television Schedule ************************************
MONDAYS:
8:00 - "Husseinfeld"
8:30 - "Mad About Everything"
9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions"
9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
10:00 - "Allah McBeal"
TUESDAYS:
8:00 - "Wheel of Fortune and Terror"
8:30 - "The Price is Right If Saddam Says It's Right"
9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things"
9:30 - "Iraq's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer"
WEDNESDAYS:
8:00 - "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
8:30 - "When Kurds Attack"
9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Fatwah"
9:30 - "Just Shoot Me"
10:00 - "Veilwatch"
THURSDAYS:
8:00 - "Matima Loves Chachi"
8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"
9:00 - "Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses"
9:30 - "My Two Baghdads"
10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"
FRIDAYS:
8:00 - "Everybody Loves Saddam Or He'll Have Them Shot"
8:30 - "Only Our Will and Grace From God Can Keep Us From Touching Each Other"
9:00 - "Captured Iranian Soldiers Say the Darndest Things"
9:30 - "Achmed's Creek
10:00 - "Matlock"
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Politically Correct
"POLITICALLY CORRECT TERMS"
Dirty Old Man: Sexually focused chronologically gifted individual.
Perverted: Sexually dysfunctional.
Serial Killer: Person with difficult-to-meet needs.
Lazy: Motivationally deficient.
Fat: Horizontally challenged.
Fail: Achieve a deficiency.
Dishonest: Ethically disoriented.
Bald: Follicularly challenged.
Clumsy: Uniquely coordinated.
Body Odor: Nondiscretionary fragrance.
Alive: Temporarily metabolically abled.
Worst: Least best.
Wrong: Differently logical.
Ugly: Cosmetically different.
Unemployed: Involuntarily leisured.
Short: Vertically challenged.
Dead: Living impaired.
Vagrant: Nonspecifically destinationed individual.
Spendthrift: Negative saver.
Drunk: Chemically inconvenienced.
Pregnant: Parasitically oppressed.
Ignorant: Knowledge-based non-possessor.
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Politically Correct Statements
10) He does not have a beer gut; he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
9) He is not quiet; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.
He does not get lost all the time; he DISCOVERS ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
7) He is not balding; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
6) He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
5) He is not short; he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.
4) He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION.
3) He does not eat like a pig; he suffers from REVERSE BULIMIA.
2) He is not a bad dancer with no rhythm; he is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
1) He is not afraid of commitment; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
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"Quaylisms"
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have
was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse
with those people."
-- J. Danforth Quayle
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- J. Danforth
Quayle
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and
child."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts." --
Vice President Dan Quayle
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same
distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures
where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that
means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is
being very wasteful. How true that is."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean
in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I
didn't live in this century."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/15/88
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
democracy - but that could change."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president,
and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89
"May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world."
-- The Quayles' 1989 Christmas card. [Not a beacon of literacy,
though.]
"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things." -- Vice President
Dan Quayle, 11/30/88
"We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward." -- Vice
President Dan Quayle
"I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements
in the Future."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"The future will be better tomorrow." -- Vice President Dan Quayle
"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/21/88
"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions
and have a tremendous impact on history."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/89
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a
firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe." -- Vice
President Dan Quayle
"Public speaking is very easy."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle to reporters in 10/88
"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican." -- Vice President
Dan Quayle
"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Vice
President Dan Quayle
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the
polls."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots
and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is
to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for
the killings? The killers are to blame."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having
it."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/20/92 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
"Murphy Brown is doing better than I am. At least she knows she still
has a job next year."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/18/92
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --
Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/22/90
"For NASA, space is still a high priority." -- Vice President Dan
Quayle, 9/5/90
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our
children."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/18/90
"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan
Quayle may or may not make."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on
the mistakes we may or may not have made."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system." -- Vice
President Dan Quayle
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4 Docs and GW Bush!
4 Doctors were talking shop one day...
An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor said "That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."
A Russian doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone, said "Hah!
We are about to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day!"
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4 Doctors talk Politics!
An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor said "That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."
A Russian doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone, said "Hah! We are about to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day."
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4 Wives
The wives of four presidents and prime minister are talking together about how a penis is called in their language.
The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering.
The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a patriot, because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side.
The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act.
Well, the wife of Clinton says in the USA you call it a rumor, because it goes from mouth to mouth.
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A Clock?
Bill and Monica are in the Whitehouse when Bill invites Monica into the Oval office because he wants to show her a clock. While in the office Clinton pulls down his pants and whips out his unit.
Monica gasps, Mr. Clinton that's not a clock, it's a cock!
Bill replies, well Monica if you put 2 hands and a face on it, it's a clock.
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A Drink?
Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.
The President asked for a whisky & soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.
The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore, than let liquor touch these lips!"
The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice."
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A Marine colonel on his way
A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, ''Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving.''
He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, ''Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?''
The Officer replies, ''The President is just so depressed about the Impeachment thing he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him.''
''Oh really? How much have you collected so far?''
''So far only about three hundred gallons, but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning!''
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A russian was falling from
A russian was falling from a skyscraper.
At the 40th floor,he was caught by a man:
man1)Say viva America!
russian)Niet!
Than the man letted him fall.At the 30th floor he was caught by another man.
man2)Say viva America!
russian)Niet!
Then the 2nd man droped him too.At the 2th floor hewas caught again.
russian)Viva America!
man3)Booo!@#$%^&*!
And he throwed him out the window.
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Al Gore - Explained
On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, an incident they say has been covered up by the military.
March 31, 1948, nine months after that day, Al Gore was born.
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AL GORE I am!
Can we count them with our nose?
Can we count them with our toes?
Should we count them with a band?
Should we count them all by hand?
If I do not like the count,
I will simply throw them out.
I will not let this vote count stand.
I do not like them, AL GORE I am!
Can we change these numbers here?
Can we change them, calm my fears?
What do you mean, Dubya has won?
This is not fair, this is not fun.
Let's count them upside down this time.
Let's count until the state is mine.
I will not let this vote count stand.
I do not like it, AL GORE I am!
I'm really ticked, I'm in a snit.
You have not heard the last of it.
I'll count the ballots one by one.
And hold each one up to the sun.
I'll count, recount, and count some more.
You'll grow to hate this little chore.
But I will not, cannot let this vote count stand.
I do not like it, Al Gore I am!
I won't leave office, I'm stayin' here.
I've glued my desk chair to my rear.
Tipper, Hillary, and Bubba, too,
all telling me that I should sue.
We find the Electoral College vile.
Re-count the votes until I smile.
We do not want this vote to stand.
We do not like it, AL GORE I am!
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Al Gore's New Program....
Al Gore's New Program....
Al Gore was entertaining Joe Leiberman and decided to show off his new home. Upon entering the bedroom, Joe noticed a very large wooden box with 5 empty beer cans and about $1500.00 in cash.
Out of curiosity, Joe asked ''AL, I see you're a beer drinker, I am too! you see, we DO have something in common''
With a condescending voice, Al quipped, '' yes, of course we do Joe''
Joe then asked '' Al, why the 5 empty cans and all that cash''
Al gladly told Joe about his new program. '' Joe, since last month, I have decided to turn a new leaf and become a more accountable person, while at the same time rewarding myself for my efforts. Whenever I tell a lie, I drink a beer and put the can in this box''
''That's really impressive'', Joe replied, ''only 5 beer cans in a whole month, but tell me, where did all that cash come from''?
Without missing a beat, Al responded, ''Whenever the box gets full of beer cans, I take it down to the recycling center, you know how concerned I am about environmental issues''
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Aliens
On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, an incident they say has been covered up by the military.
March 31, 1948, nine months after that day, Al Gore was born.
That clears up a lot of things.
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Aliens
On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, an incident they say has been covered up by the military.
March 31, 1948, nine months after that day, Al Gore was born.
That clears up a lot of things.
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Alternative Russian Roulette
The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador.
For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.
On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder,point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."
This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable.
Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers
Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.
The African ambassador was much impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.
When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay.
Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette".
So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women.
The African ambassador said "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will provide you with oral sex - take your pick".
The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette.
He said "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part?
Where's the danger?"
With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered, "One of them is a cannibal"
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AMERICA: Passing the Blame
We yanks just love to pass the blame. What other country can boast of 3 lawyers for every citizen. We come up with the best reasons to blame others for our own problems. Here's a small list...
If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she's holding in her lap while driving,
she blames the restaurant.
If your teen-age son kills himself or then next door neighbors,
you blame the rock 'n' roll music or musician he liked.
If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer,
your family blames the tobacco company.
If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education.
If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.
If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin was dirty,
you blame the government for not providing clean ones.
If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.
If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.
And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.
I guess I'll just never understand the world as it is anymore...
So if I die while my old, wrinkled ass is parked in front of this computer while sending you this joke - I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK?
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An Early Peek at Clinton's
"Members of Congress...people of America....
I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention. The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to do are The First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a Little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy. Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary... I do. If not for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be Pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to The President.
So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good.
Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I Was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was Bush, an aging Baseball player and part-time resident of some place called "Kennebunkport." There was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's he came in with. There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked in.
Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of 'plausible deniability,' and almost got a one-way ticket to San Quentin (instead of San Clemente) for his crackerjack style of governing. Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was Agent Orange. And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for "beaver-wrestling" shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House. Which brings me back to my point...
Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently. Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night-watchman. The stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell 'internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from. Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my pecker showing.
What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter...unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it. In the meantime, think about where you are today and what kind of life you're living before you get too interested in where I'm parking the Presidential limousine.
Thank you, good night and God bless America!
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Best Decision
Many years after Bill Clinton had been President of the United States a famous biographer was going to write Bill's life story.
During the course of his interview he asked Bill, "What was your best and your worst decision during the Presidency".
Bill rolled his eyes back in deep thought and then said, "Monica Lewinski! I'd have to say Monica was my best and my worst decision".
"How could that be, Bill?", asked the surprised biographer.
Bill smiled and then shook his head, "I'd have to say she was both my best and my worst decision for the same reason."
"That's odd. What was the reason for that?", said the biographer.
Bill squirmed in his chair and answered, "Monica had a big mouth."
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Best Iraqi Job
Q: What is the best Iraqi job?
A: Foreign Ambassador
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Bill Clinton
Three presidents and Bill Clinton are in Air Force One. The engines start to die and the plane starts to go down. The pilot comes out and says there is only one parachute I will stay and die for my country but the rest of you will have to decide who’s going to jump and who will live. So the first general jumps out the back and yells, “I did it for my country”! The second general jumps out and says, “I did it for my country”! Now the third general pushes Bill Clinton out the window and says, “I did it for my country”!
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