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People who don't believe in retaliation...
What to do if you fall into a conversation with someone about the terrorist attacks who doesn't believe in retaliation:
1. Engage in conversation, and ask if military force is appropriate.
2. When he says "No," ask, "Why not?"
3. Wait until he says something to the effect of "Because that would just cause more innocent deaths, which would be awful and we should not cause more violence."
4. When he's in mid sentence, punch him in the face as hard as you can.
5. When he gets back up to punch you, point out that it would be a mistake and contrary to his values to strike you, because that would be awful and he should not cause more violence.
6. Wait until he agrees, and has pledged not to commit additional violence.
7. Punch him in the face again, harder this time.
8. Repeat steps 5 through 8 until he understands that sometimes it is necessary to punch back.
(Added: Mon Feb 03 2003 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Role Reversal
A visitor, returning to Kuwait for the first time since the Gulf War, was impressed by a sociological change. On previous visits she noted that women customarily walked about 5 paces behind their husbands.
She observed that the men now walked over 20 paces BEHIND their wives!
She approached one of the women for an explanation: "What enabled women here to achieve this marvellous reversal of roles?"
"Land mines," replied the Kuwaiti woman.
(Added: Mon Feb 03 2003 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Saddam and Fred Flintstone
Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.
(Added: Sun Feb 02 2003 Hits: 4 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Saddam and General Custer
Q. What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
A. They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from!
(Added: Sun Feb 02 2003 Hits: 3 Rating: 1.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Saddam, After Prozac Runs Out
SADDAM IN FIT AFTER PROZAC RUNS OUT
Amidst the bombing, Saddam Hussein was heard wimpering that he was defying the US led embargo of his country only because it prevented him from getting his prescription for Prozac refilled.
"He is suffering the mother of all snits now that his medication has run out. We are fearful to be around him. It would be in the best interest of world peace to get him a megadose of Prozac so he returns to his happy, cheerful self before it's too late," one of Saddam's close advisors said after being assured anonymity.
A White House source admitted that the President had previously considered the option of a Prozac airdrop over Hussein's bunker, but he decided against it, imagining the world with a smiling happy-go-lucky Saddam was just too much.
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Sam Returns Home From War
Sam had been a soldier at war for more than three years, during which he had been in many battles and won many decorations. He was finally discharged from service and returned home to a wife and son whom he hadn't seen in almost four years.
As he was walking up the path to his house, his young son spotted him and yelled, "Mommy, Mommy, here comes Daddy, and he's got a purple heart on!"
His mother replied, "I don't give a damn what color it is! Let him in, and you go play at the Joneses' for a couple hours."
(Added: Sun Feb 02 2003 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Sense of Time
A sweet young thing thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him when was the last time he had had sex.
'1956,' was his immediate reply.
'No wonder you look so uptight!' she exclaimed. 'Honey, you need to get out more.'
'I'm not sure I understand you,' he answered, glancing at his watch. 'It's only 2014 now.'
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Sense of Time
A sweet young thing thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him when was the last time he had had sex.
'1956,' was his immediate reply.
'No wonder you look so uptight!' she exclaimed. 'Honey, you need to get out more.'
'I'm not sure I understand you,' he answered, glancing at his watch. 'It's only 2014 now.'
(Added: Mon Feb 03 2003 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Sharing Hotel Rooms
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
(Added: Mon Feb 03 2003 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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The General's Valet
A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet.
"Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army," the general said. "Nothing to it-you'll catch on again fast."
Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general's bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said, "OK, sweetheart, it's back to the village for you."
(Added: Sun Feb 02 2003 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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The last laugh!
Several years ago, after having Japanese executives from the automotive industry tour a Ford Plant, they held a press conference in which one of the Japanese execs claimed that the American workers were slow and lazy.
Not long after, a friend sent me a picture of a bumper sticker on a truck at the Ford plant.
It read - "We may be slow and lazy, but we build a damn good bomb!"
(Added: Mon Feb 03 2003 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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The Night Before Payback!
Twas the night before Payback...
'Twas the night before Payback and all through the land,
The Taliban are running like rabbits in Afghanistan.
Osama's been praying, he's down on his knees,
He's hoping that Allah will hear all his pleas.
He thought if he killed us that we'd fall and shatter,
But all that he's done is just make us madder.
We haven't yet forgotten our Marines in Beirut,
And we'll kick your ass, with one heavy boot.
And yes we remember the USS Cole,
And the lives of our sailors that you bastards stole.
You think you can rule us and cause us to fear,
You'll soon get the answer if you live to hear.
And we ain't forgotten your buddy Saddam,
And he ain't forgotten the sound of our bombs.
You think that those mountains are somewhere to hide,
They'll go down in history as the place where you died.
Remember Khadhafi and his line of death?
He came very close, to his final breath.
So come out and prove it, that you are a man,
Cause our boys are coming and they have a plan.
They are our Fathers and they are our Sons,
And they sure do carry some mighty big Guns.
They would have stayed home, with Children and Wives,
Till you bastards came here and took all these Lives.
Osama I wrote this especially for you,
For air mail delivery by B-52.
You soon will be hearing a thud and a whistle,
Old Glory is coming, attached to a missile.
I won't be sorry to see your cowardly ass go,
It's Red, White, and Blue that's running this show!
(Added: Mon Feb 03 2003 Hits: 5 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Tough Drill Sargeant
My army unit was so tough...
How tough was it?
It was so tough, the drill sergent used to wear a wig.
What's so tough about that?
He used to keep it on with a nail.
(Added: Sun Feb 02 2003 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Training Iraqi Pilots
Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
A. You only have to teach them to take off.
(Added: Sun Feb 02 2003 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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U-Boat
A couple was touring a shipyard area in a coastal city of Italy when they saw a strange looking craft. They stopped and asked a worker, "Sir, is that a U-boat?
"No," he replied, shesa belonga to da goverment."
(Added: Sun Feb 02 2003 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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US Air Force Humor!
"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
(P)=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft
(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers
lack normal seepage
(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level
(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground
(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode
(IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That's what they're there for
(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search
(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious!
(P) Target Radar hums
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics
(Added: Mon Feb 03 2003 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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US Air Force Maintenance
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
(P)= PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough. (S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. (S) Evidence removed.
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud. (S) Volume set to more believable level.
(P) Dead bugs on windshield. (S) Live bugs on order.
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent. (S) Cannot reproduce problem on the ground.
(P) IFF inoperative. (S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. (S) That's what they are there for.
(P) Number three engine missing. (S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.
(P) Aircraft handles FUNNY. (S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious.
(P) Target radar hums. (S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words.
(Added: Sun Feb 02 2003 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Victory!
The General shouted to his troops, "Onward To Victory"!
About 30 minutes later, an urgent message reached him....... "Need Further Instructions, Victory not on map"!
(Added: Mon Feb 03 2003 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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War Game Casualties
During an Army war game a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.
"Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we’ve been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way."
The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."
(Added: Sun Feb 02 2003 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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