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Woman Never Say...
pop
8. What do you mean today's our anniversary?
7. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
6. Ohhhhhh, this diamond is wayyyyyyyyy tooooooo big!
5. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being 'just friends'
4. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
3. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
2. I don't care if it's on sale, $300 is way to much for a designer dress.
1. Hey, pull my finger!
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 7 Rating: 3.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Hung
One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn.
A neighbor lady was so outraged at this, she came over and shouted at the man, "You should be hung!"
To which he calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass!"
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 5 Rating: 3.60 Votes: 5) Rate It
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Show Off
In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.
Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.
And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs.
Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.
Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.
Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."
All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 4 Rating: 2.87 Votes: 8) Rate It
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Blind Shopping
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "Thats a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00".
She says, "Thats amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her..being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck all is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 6 Rating: 2.67 Votes: 3) Rate It
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Chance
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damned ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 6 Rating: 4.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Costume Shop
A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, "I'm going to a costume party, I want to go as Adam." The girl brings out a fig leaf. He says, "Not big enough."
She brings out a bigger one. He says, "Still not big enough." She brings out a huge fig leaf. He says, "Still not big enough."
She says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 4 Rating: 4.33 Votes: 3) Rate It
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Difference between REALISTICALLY
THIS LITTLE BOY GOES UP TO HIS FATHER ONE DAY AND ASKS HIS FATHER WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALISTICALLY AND POTENTIALLY.
HIS FATHER SAYS, "GO UP TO YOUR MOTHER AND ASK HER IF SHE WOULD HAVE SEX WITH ROBERT REDFERD FOR A MILLION DOLLARS. THEN ASK YOUR SISTER IF SHE WOULD SLEEP WITH BRAD PITT FOR A MILLION DOLLARS. THEN ASK YOUR BROTHER IF HE WAS SLEEP WITH TOM CRUISE FOR A MILLION DOLLARS."
SO THE BOY FINDS HIS MOM AND ASKS HER, "MOMMY WOULD YOU SLEEP WITH ROBERT REDFERD FOR A MILLION DOLLARS?"
THE MOTHER SAYS, "YES HE'S FINE AS HELL I'D SLEEP WITH HIM FOR A MILLION DOLLARS."
THE LITTLE BOY GOES UP TO HIS SISTER AND ASKS HER,"WOULD YOU SLEEP WITH BRAD PITT FOR A MILLION DOLLARS?"
THE SISTER SAYS, "HELL YEH HE'S HOT AS HELL."
HE GOES UP TO HIS BROTHER AND ASKS HIS, "WOULD YOU SLEEP WITH TOM CRUISE FOR A MILLION DOLLARS?"
THE BROTHER SAYS, "HELL YEH, I'D SLEEP WITH HIM FOR A MILLION BUCKS,"
SO THE BOY GOES UP TO HIS FATHER AND SAYS, "I THINK I'VE FIGURED OUT THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALISTICALLY AND POTENTIALLY."
THE FATHER GOES, "WHAT?"
THE BOY SAYS, "POTIENTIALLY WE'RE SITTING ON $3 MILLION DOLLARS, REALISTICALLY WE'RE LIVING WITH TWO SLUTS AND A FAGGOT!"
(Added: Mon Jan 06 2003 Hits: 4 Rating: 4.00 Votes: 3) Rate It
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Do Everything
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.
On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail".
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said,
"I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked - "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said - "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating....
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 7 Rating: 4.50 Votes: 2) Rate It
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Drive Her Crazy
The wealthy wife of a very successful Jewish businessman went to the portrait artist for her first sitting. The portrait, a gift for her husband. She explained to the artist what she wanted: "You should paint me like I am. These little wrinkles, you put them on your canvas. The lines under my eyes, the flab on my arms, the turn in my nose, and the mole on my cheek, they all stay....BUT on my hands you put lots of rings with big diamonds and emeralds and bright jewels. Around my neck you put chains of gold and diamonds. Do you understand?"
The artist looked at her in earnest and asked why she should want such detail of real life in her physical appearance, but adorn herself with the phony jewelry.
She replied: "When I die my husband will re-marry. The new wife, she should go crazy looking for the jewels".
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 7 Rating: 3.50 Votes: 2) Rate It
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Elevator
This guy's in the rear of a full elevator and he shouts, "Ballroom please." A lady standing in front of him turns around and says, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 5 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Female Hormones
"Yesterday scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive..."
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 4 Rating: 4.33 Votes: 3) Rate It
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Good Man
Single women complain that all good men are married, while allmarried women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there isno such thing as a good man.
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 5 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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How Long
Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned in a minute and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."
"Alright. How long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After awhile, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 7 Rating: 5.67 Votes: 3) Rate It
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HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Show up naked.
.... with Beer
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 8 Rating: 3.67 Votes: 12) Rate It
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Irishman & A Potato
An Irishman was in the South of France and could not understand why Pierre had attracted so many girls on the beach and he had attracted no one. So he asked Pierre, "How do you manage to attract all the girls and I attract no one?"
Pierre said, "Take a potato and tuck it in your swimming costume, it drives the women wild."
So the Irishman stuffed a potato in his costume and paraded up and down the beach. After a great many hours, however, he still failed to arouse a woman.
So the Irishman went to see Pierre again and said, "I've tried it Pierre, it doesn't work!"
Pierre took one look at the Irishman and said, "You might try putting the potato in the front of your bathing suit!"
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Irresistible
After the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks her husband, "Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?"
The flattered husband said, "No, dear they haven't."
The wife yells, "Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?"
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 5 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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It's a "Guy Thing".........
"It's a guy thing."
Really means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it,
and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means: "I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means: "The batteries in the remote are dead."
"We're going to be late."
Really means: "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means: "Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means: "I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me."
Really means: "You want me to stay awake."
"That's women's work."
Really means: "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means: "I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house."
Really means: "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means: "I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
Really means: "What did you catch me doing?"
"I heard you."
Really means: "I have no idea what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You look terrific."
Really means: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I missed you."
Really means: "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means: "I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework."
Really means: "I make the messes, you clean them up."
"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means: "You're cutting into the time I spend with my truck."
"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means: "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 5 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Lip Stick Remover
There was a man who woke up one morning with a red ring around his member. Astonished he panicked and hurried to the emergency room.
The Doctor looked at it and gave the man some lotion to rub on it twice a day, if no results come back tomorrow. This went on for three days when a new nurse happened to be in the same ER. She asked if she could suggest something. The Dr. at his wit's end because he wasn't able to cure the problem, agreed to let the nurse try her hand.
The nurse gave the man a smelly lotion and said rub it very gently on his member before he when to bed. The man went home and followed her instructions.
The very next day came back happy as a lark! He found the nurse and Doctor and thanked them for all they're help.
As the man left, the Dr. turned to the nurse and asked what was the miracle lotion?
The nurse smiled and replied, "Lip stick remover."
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 5 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Man & His Wife
A guy and his wife were speeding down the interstate when a state cop pulls him over. The man says, "What's the problem officer?
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you were going 80." Man gives his wife a dirty look.
Officer: "I will also give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for months." Man gives his wife a dirty look.
Officer: "I will also give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt."
Man turns to his wife and yells, "Bitch, shut your damn mouth"
The Officer turns to the woman and says, "Ma'm,does your husband talk to you this way all the time?? Wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 4 Rating: 4.75 Votes: 4) Rate It
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Men & Fine Wine
Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have dinner with.
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 4 Rating: 4.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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New Courses Offered to Men
A new two year degree is being offered at LIFE UNIVERSITY that many of you should be interested in: BECOMING A REAL MAN
That's right, in just six quarters you, too, can be a real man. Please take a moment to look over the program outline.
FIRST YEAR
Fall Schedule:
MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You Too Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS - Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas
Winter Schedule:
MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4AM
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
MEN 113 Get a Life; Learn to Cook
Spring Schedule:
MEN 120 How NOT to ACT Like an Ass When You're Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex
MEN 123 Reasons To Give Flowers
SECOND YEAR
Fall Schedule:
SEX 101 You Can Fall Asleep Without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Then Take a Shower
MEN 201 How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 202 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down
Winter Schedule:
MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How Not to Act Younger Than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest - You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise, Especially Naked
Spring Schedule:
MEN 220 Omitting @#%&*@ From Your Vocabulary
MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting is NOT Necessary
MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Old Men With Blow-Up Dolls
There was these two old men sitting in one of the old mens house. They haven't had sex in 20 years... The first old man then said,"I have an idea...Lets go to the whore house and have sex with a young lady!" The other old man agreed and they went to the whore house and went to the lady up front and asked her for one woman each to have sex with.. The lady behind the counter thought,"well my girls are to good for these old mean,so I'll give them blow up dolls...They wont know the difference." So she gave them each a blow up doll and the old men thought they were real living girls.. They went to a room did their business and came out and went home.. On the way home the 1st old man said,"You know..when i was doing my business i think that girl was dead,she didnt say anything,move or anything..Just laid there" he looekd at the other old man and said,"what do you think?" The other old man looked at him and said,"I think mine was a witch.." the first old man asked,"Why you say that?" and the 2nd old man responded,"Because when I bit her on the boob she farted and flew out the window."
(Added: Tue Jan 07 2003 Hits: 6 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Questions & Answers
Why was Moses wandering through the desert for 40 years?
Because men refuse to ask for directions!
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
What is the worst part of a man's body?
His penis because it has a head with no brains, hangs out with two nuts and lives around the corner from an asshole.
When is a man as smart as a woman
When he is plugged in to one.
How come men never sink in water?
Shit floats.
Why did the man cross the road?
Because there were no women on his side.
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
What is the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
Why don't men ever get MAD COW DISEASE?
Because men are all PIGS.
WHY IS FOOD BETTER THEN MEN ?
YOU DON'T HAVE TO WAIT AN HOUR FOR SECONDS!
WHY ARE MEN LIKE POPCORN ?
THEY SATIFY YOU BUT ONLY FOR A WHILE !
How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Let the bitch do the ironing in the dark.
How many divorced Men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Who knows; they never get the house
What does a beer bottle and a guy have in common?
There both empty from the neck up.
why did the man get fired from the Orange Juice factory?
he wasn't concentrating
Why do women have more trouble with hemorrhoids than men?
Because God made man the perfect asshole.
What do men and linoleum have in common?
Lay them right and you can walk all over them the rest of your life.
What do men and microwaves have in common?
They're both done in 30 seconds.
What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging
How can you tell if a man is well hung?
If you can't get your finger between the rope and his neck!!!!
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his feet.
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
It's kinda cute, but can it pick up peanuts?
What's the diff. between Bigfoot and an honest man?
Bigfoot has been sighted!
Why are all dumb Blond jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.
What is the difference between government bonds and men?
Government bonds mature.
What's a man's idea of helping with house work?
lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
What's the difference between man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
What did God say when he created man?
"I can do better than this".
How do men define a 50/50 relationship?
They cook, we eat. They clean, we dirty. They iron, we wrinkle
How do men exercise at the beach?
Everytime they see a bikini, they suck their belly in.
What does a man concider a seven corse meal to be?
A hot dog and a 6 pack.
Why are men like noodles?
they are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they are always in need of dough.
Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
because if the crew gets lost, at least the woman will ask for directions.
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 6 Rating: 1.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Quiz for Men
1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers
3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss SportsCenter
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra
6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Appetizer is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 3 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Restroom Study
A PSYCHOLOGICAL STUDY OF TYPES OF MEN IN THE REST ROOM
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EXCITABLE Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.
SOCIABLE Joins friends in piss, if he has to or not.
NOSEY Looks into urinal to see how other guy is fixed.
CROSSEYED Looks into urinal to the left, pisses into one in the middle,
flushes the one on the left.
TIMID Cannot urinate if someone is watching. Flushes urinal as
if he had gone, sneaks back later.
INDIFFERENT All urinals are being used, he pisses in sink.
CLEVER No hands, shows off by fixing tie, looks around, pisses on
the floor.
WORRIED Is not sure of what he has been doing lately, makes quick
inspection.
FRIVOLOUS Plays stream up and down urinal, tries to hit fly.
ABSENT MINDED Opens vest, pulls on tie, pisses in pants.
DISGUSTED Stands for awhile, gives up, walks away.
SNEAK Farts silently while leaking, acts innocent, hopes that the
man in the next stall will be blamed.
CHILDISH Leaks directly into urinal bottom, likes to see the bubbles.
PATIENT Stands very close for a long time, reads newspaper with his
other hand.
EFFICIENT Waits till he has to take a crap, then does both.
TOUGH Bangs dong against urinal to dry it off.
FAT Has to stand back to take a long blind shot at urinal, misses
and pisses in shoe.
LITTLE Stands on box, falls in urinal, drowns.
DRUNK Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.
WITHDRAWN Places feet in urinal, pisses down leg, thus eliminating noise.
IMPATIENT Always in a hurry, pisses down back of guy using urinal in
front of him.
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 7 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 2) Rate It
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