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Sex Life
There was this woman who went to the doctors cause she was complaining that sex with her husband wasn't up to par. So the doctor recommended some sex pills and told her to give him one, have sex that night and come back to him with the results.
The next morning she went back to the doctor's and said "Well, the sex was much better but to tell you the truth it could be alot better." So the doctor said, "Give him him three tonight and come back to me with the results"
So she did that and the next morning she told him about her experience but said the same thing. "The sex can really be better, Doctor." So the Doctor said "What the hell, give your husband the whole bottle."
The next morning a little boy came into the doctor's office and the doctor asked if he could help him. "I'm the son of the lady you gave those pills to." "Oh, yes. How did they work?" asked the doctor.
"Well, my mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my butt hurts, and my dad's laying on the couch saying 'Here Kitty, Kitty.'"
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Smelling and Hearing
An elderly woman goes to the doctor. She says, "Doc, it's terrible, I pass gas all the time. Fortunately, it's odorless and silent, otherwise I'd be mortified. For example, I've passed gas ten times just since we've been talking, but it's odorless and silent so you can't tell." The doctor gives her some green pills and tells her to take one a day and come back in a week.
The woman comes back after taking the pills for a week. She says, "Doc, there's been a change but not for the better. I still pass gas all the time, but while it's still silent, now it smells terrible!"
The doctor says, "Well, I'm glad we cleared up your sinus blockage,now we'll have to work on your hearing."
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 2 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Stomach Complaint
One day a man has a terrible stomach complaint and goes along to see his doctor. The doctor tells him that he is very ill, but that he can cure his condition with a course of suppositories inserted deep into his rectum every 6 hours.
"Right" says the doctor, "bend over and I'll do the first one for you." The man bends down and the doctor deposited the suppository. He then gives the man his course and sends him home.
At home 6 hours later the man realises that he can't stick the supposiory far enough up, by himself, so he asks his wife to help him insert the slippery bullet. After explaining to her what to do, the man bends over. His wife puts one hand on her husband's shoulder to brace herself and thrusts really hard. To her horror the man lets out a blood curdling scream.
"My God" she cries. "What's the matter? Did I hurt you?"
"No" replies the man. "But I have just realised that when the doctor did it, he had both hands on my shoulders."
(Added: Wed Jan 29 2003 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Stomach Problems
A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep up the back passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.
So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams in disgust. "What's the matter?" asked his wife. "Did I hurt you?"
"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders."
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Stuttering Problem
One day, a guy with a horrible stuttering problem went to his doctor.
"D-d-d-docter, is t-t-t-there anything t-t-that you c-c-c-can do for my stuttering?"
"Hop on to the table, and I'll give you an exam."
After the physical was over, the doctor told his patient that he thought he knew what the cause of his problem was.
"It seems that your penis is too long. There is a simple surgery that can be done to correct it, but your sex life might be greatly affected."
"I d-d-d-don't c-c-c-care. I'll d-d-d-do anyt-t-thing it t-t-takes."
So the man went in for surgery, and it was sucessful. He came back into the doctor's office a couple of weeks later.
"Doctor, I don't stutter anymore, but my girlfriend's really mad at me. Do you think that there's any way to get it reattached?"
"I d-d-d-don't t-t-t-think s-s-s-so"
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Tennis Elbow
A man complained to his friend "My elbow hurts I better go to the doctor." "Don't do that," volunteered his friend "there's a new computer at the drug store that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment."
The man figured he had nothing to lose so he took a sample of urine down to the drug store. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited the $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks
That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated into the jar.
He took this concoction down to the drug store, poured it in the machine, and deposited $10. The machine went through the same buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following message:
Your tap water has lead.
Get a filter.
Your dog has worms.
Give him vitamins.
Your daughter is on drugs.
Get her in rehab.
Your wife is pregnant.
It's not your baby - get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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The 3 shrinks!
While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.
"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems."
"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?"
They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can."
The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."
The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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The Absent Minded Doctor
A doctor walks into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulls a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tries to write with it.
Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said...
"Well that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen!"
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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The Change
A woman goes to the doctor's and says, "Doctor, Doctor, you have to help me. Every time I go to the bathroom, DIMES come out!"
The doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week.
A week later the woman returns and says, "Doctor, Doctor, it's gotten worse!
Every time I go to the bathroom, QUARTERS come out!! What's wrong with me?"
Again the doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week.
Another week passes and the woman returns and yells, "Doctor, Doctor, I'm still not getting better! Every time I go to the bathroom, HALF-DOLLARS come out! WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?!!"
The doctor says, "Relax, Relax,... you're just going through your change!"
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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The Diagnosis!
There was this woman who was desperate to meet a companion.
She went to single bars, singles dances etc., but she could never meet anyone who would go on a date with her, much less sleep with her. So in her desperation she went to see a sex doctor, named Dr. Chang.
She asked Dr. Chang, "Doctor, please help me find out what's wrong with me!"
So Dr. Chang said, "Take off all yu cwothes." So she did.
Then he said, "Now, get on yu hands and knees and crawl weal fas away frum me, den craw weal fas back to me." So the young lady did.
Dr. Chang looked at her said, "I know what wong with yu...
Yu got weal bad case of Zachary disease!"
The lady asked, "What the heck is that?!"
Dr. Chang replied, "Dat's wen yu face lok zachary like yur butt"!
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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The Doctor
A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you."
"On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue."
"Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut."
The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help."
"The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us."
"Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios..."
(Added: Wed Jan 29 2003 Hits: 1 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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The Doctor's Office
A couple, age 67, went to the doctor's office.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and he charged them $32.00 for the office visit.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man replied, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I am married so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60.00. The Hilton charges $98.00, we do it here for $32.00, and I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's office."
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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The loud-mouthed mechanic!
Morris the loudmouth mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes.
Morris shouts across the garage, "Hey DeBakey! Is that you? "Come on over here a minute!" The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on the car.
Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at this here work. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me is doing basically the same work?"
Dr. DeBakey leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic...
"Now try doing it with the engine running!"
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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The new medical students!
Two young medical students were standing on a street corner observing people as they passed and discussing any abnormalities with each other that they may have seen in passers-by. They would then attempt to make the correct diagnosis.
They spotted this old fellow leaving a bar sort of "duck waddling" down the street at a slow pace. The two students introduced themselves to the gentleman and told him that they didn't agree with each others diagnosis of the his problem.
One says, "my friend thinks you have a bad case of hemorrhoids, and I think you have a hernia." Which of us is correct?
The old man replies, "Well fellas, I thought it was a fart, but it looks like we were all wrong!"
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Therapist
A couple, both age 67, went to a sex therapists office.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $32.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house - I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $78. We do it here for $32, and I get $28 back from Medicare.
(Added: Wed Jan 29 2003 Hits: 2 Rating: 4.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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You don't want to hear these!
Things you don't want to hear during surgery:
1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
2. Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop
3. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
4. Spot! Spot! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!
5. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
6. Hand me that... uh... that uh... thingie.
7. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
8. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
9. Damn, there go the lights again...
10. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.
11. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
12. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
13. Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
14. I hope his family won't miss him
15. And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
16. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
17. Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card?
18. Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
19. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!.
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 2 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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You're Dead!
A psychiatrist met a friend and exclaimed, "I heard you died."
"But you see I'm alive ," smiled the friend.
"Impossible," said the psychiatrist. "The man who told me is much more reliable than you."
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 2 Rating: 1.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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You're gonna croak!
A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill.
The doctor says, "You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening."
The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well. "Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember," she says. "I am going to treat you like a king!"
She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles-the works. After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen.
She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise.
Well, the husband is wide-awake watching the clock. He knows that he is doomed. He taps her... "Honey?" he whispers.
She rolls over and again proceeds to make love. Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her. She is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husband's dying wishes. Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore.
Well, the man decides to tap her again. "Honey?" he whispers.
She rolls over and yells, "Oh sure!...
You're not the one that has to get up in the morning!!!
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 2 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Yuck!!
There was an old woman. She went into a store and asked the clerk in a shaky voice, "do you know what a dildo is?"
The clerk said, "yes".
In a shaky voice she asked, "do you sell them?"
"Why yes" the clerk answeresd.
In a shakier voice she asked, "do you know how to use them?"
"I guess so" said the clerk.
The old woman, trembling asked, "do you know how to turn them off?"
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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