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Identity Crisis
The new inmate at the mental hospital announced in a loud voice that he was the famous British naval hero, Lord Nelson. This was particularly interesting, because the institution already had a "Lord Nelson."
The head psychiatrist, after due consideration, decided to put the two men in the same room, feeling that the similarity of their delusions might prompt an adjustment in each that would help in curing them. It was a calculated risk, of course, for the two men might react violently to one another, but they were introduced and then left alone and no disturbance was heard from the room that night.
The next morning, the doctor had a talk with his new patient and was more than pleasantly surprised when he was told "Doctor, I've been suffering from a delusion. I know now for a fact that I am not Lord Nelson."
"That's wonderful," said the doctor. "Who are you?"
Smiling coyly, the patient replied, "I'm Lady Nelson."
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It Hurts!
A man goes to the doctor and says: "It hurts when I press here" (pressing his side)
"And when I press here" (pressing the other side)
"And here" (his leg)
"And here, here and here" (his other leg, and both arms)
So the doctor examined him all over and finally discovered what was wrong. He exclaimed, "You've got a broken finger!"
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 1 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Keep fit... die healthy.
What does a short sighted gynecologist and a dog have in common?
They both have wet noses!
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Last Marshmellow
A man is urinating one day when the end of his penis drops off. He thinks, "This is probably not a good thing," so he picks up the knobby end and sticks it in his pocket, then races off to the doctor. He waits in the surgery for a bit, then he's called in.
The doctor greets him and asks, "What's the problem?"
"Well, doctor, I was urinating and my knob fell off. Here it is." And he reaches into his pocket and hands the piece to the doctor.
The doctor looks, frowns, then replies, "What are you talking about? This is a marshmellow!"
"Well, that can't be right! I ate my last marshmellow on the way in here!"
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Letterman Jackets
OKay, this chick walks into a pharmacy. There's a guy at the counter.
The chick says, "Doctor! I need your help!"
He says "What do you need?"
She takes off her shirt and she's got this big 'O' on her chest. She says, "How do I get rid of this?"
The doctor said, "how'd it happen?"
She goes, "Well, whenever I have sex with my boyfriend, he wears his Oklahoma University jacket!"
The doctor said "Just tell him to take it off."
She said "OK."
And then this other chick walks in with the same problem and goes,"Doctor! Help! I've got a big "F" on my chest!"
He was like, 'Holy crap, another girl with the same problem?' and he says, "Just tell him to take it off."
And she said "OK."
And then this third chick walks in with the same problem and says, "Doctor! Help! I've got a big "W" on my chest!"
The doctor was thinking, 'What the hell! Same thing again!' He says, "Lemme guess. Your boy friend goes to Wisconsin U and when he has sex with you he wears his jacket."
And she says, "Well, not quite. My girlfriend goes to Michigan."
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Locking For A Dentist
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth." The man said, "No problem." With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.
The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said. The man then said, "I have another pair...try these." The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight." The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair of false teeth...try them."
The speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker."
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 2 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Mechanic vs Surgeon
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?"
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open hearts, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic..... "Try doing it with the engine running!
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 1 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Migraine
A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.
"Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"
"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."
"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house."
(Added: Wed Jan 29 2003 Hits: 1 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Mixup
A woman went to the doctor's office for a physical. The doctor took a blood sample and told her to return in one week for the results.
One week later, she and her husband returned to the doctor's office. The doctor took the husband aside and told him, "Sir, I'm afraid I have some bad news. We accidentally mixed your wife's blood sample with another patient's, and we have no idea whose is whose. The bad news is one has Alzheimer's disease, and the other has AIDS. I want you to come back in another week and by then I should have it all sorted out."
The man looked scared and said, "That's terrible, doc, what should I do until then?"
"Well, when you're driving home today, drop her off two blocks away from your house. If she makes it home, don't have sex with her!"
(Added: Wed Jan 29 2003 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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My daughter's a good girl!
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.
It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady!
Your daughter is pregnant!"
The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.
The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came.
I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 1 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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My Pen!
A doctor had come out of an examination room and begun to write a prescription.
A nurse walked by and said, "Excuse me, Doctor, but you are trying to write with your thermometer."
The doctor looked at the thermometer and said, "Dammit! Some asshole has my pen."
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 1 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Nasty Bug
Every night, Frank would go down to the liquor store, get a six-pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.
The next night, after he finished his 4th beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.
The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach standing there. This time he was knee'd in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then he left.
The fourth night Frank didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Frank and left him in a heap on the living room floor. The following day, Frank went to see his doctor. He explained the events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded.
"Not much" answered the doctor. "There's just a nasty bug going around."
(Added: Wed Jan 29 2003 Hits: 2 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Not the best day.
Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath.
Just as he became comfortable, the doorbell rang.
The man got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe and went to the door.
A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any brushes.
Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.
The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and hit his back against the hard porcelain bathtub.
Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.
After examining him, the doctor said, "You know, you've been lucky.
Nothing is broken. But you need to relax...
Why don't you go home and take a long hot bath?"
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Nurse Nancy
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy.
"She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall.
"Oh my God!", said the first doctor, "I just realised I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
(Added: Wed Jan 29 2003 Hits: 1 Rating: 3.00 Votes: 2) Rate It
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Nurse's Protection
Q: Why did the nurse have a long pole and two rubber gloves?
A: Her way of not getting pregnant.
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 1 Rating: 3.00 Votes: 2) Rate It
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Nurses Revenge
A bigshot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?"
After a pause, the doctor replies, "Yes, but never with a daffodil!"
(Added: Wed Jan 29 2003 Hits: 1 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Old Lady
An old lady walks into a plastic surgeon's office and tells him she wants a facelift. He says "Well, we have three models. The first is for $1000 and is guaranteed for one year, the second is $3000 and is guaranteed for 3 years and the last is $5000 and it is guaranteed for 5 years."
The old lady says "Well tell me about them."
The doctor says, "For $1000 you are going to get a half-ass job that you pay very little for."
She responds, "Forget that one, what about the next one."
He explains, "For $3000 we do a much better job and pay close attention to detail, but it is only guaranteed for 3 years."
The lady says, "No, that's no good either, what about the last one."
The doctor replies, "For $5000 you are going to get the best facelift with a feature that is on the cutting edge of plastic surgery. There will be a screw attached to the back of your head and if you notice your face sagging, just come back in and we will tighten the screw."
The lady is delighted and has the surgery. About 6 months later she comes back to the office very upset. "Doctor, I want my money back because I look horrible. Look at these bags under my eyes!"
The doctor leans back in his chair and says, "Lady you aren't getting anything back. Those bags under your eyes are your tits and if you keep messing with that screw, you're going to have a mustache."
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 1 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Prescribed
A badly constipated man went to the doctors. The doctor prescribed suppositories and told the man to take one once every four hours. The man left the doctor, happy that his problem would soon be gone.
When he got home, he took a suppository, swallowing it with a glass of water. Four hours passed. Nothing happened. But he figured that these things take time, so he swallowed another one, hoping he would reap the benefits very soon. After several days of taking the suppositories every four hours, he was still constipated, so he returned to the doctor.
When he explained that he took one every four hours, as prescribed, the doctor exclaimed, "What are you doing? Swallowing them?"
The man replied sarcastically, "No, I'm shoving them up my arse!!!"
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Rare Disorder
This guy goes to see his doctor. "Doc," he says, "I've got a problem, every minute of every day I've got that old song, Delilah, running through my head. I catch myself humming it and sometimes singing it in public places. My wife says I even sing it in my sleep, it's driving her nuts. What is the matter with me?"
The doctor replies, "Sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome to me."
"Is it a rare disorder?" the guy asks.
The doctor answers, "It's not unusual.."
(Added: Wed Jan 29 2003 Hits: 2 Rating: 7.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Reading Glasses
A man went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked, "Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?"
"Yes, of course," said the doctor, "why not!"
"Oh! How nice it would be ," said the patient with joy, "I have been illiterate for so long."
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 1 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Recommended Treatment
A man goes to the doctor and he finds out that he is very ill and only has a few weeks to live. He can't believe it and starts asking the doctor, "What can I do?"
The Doctor says that unfortunatley it is too late and he should concentrate on getting his affairs in order.
"There must be something!" the man says. "What about radiation, Chemotherapy....I'm a tough guy!"
The doctor again says that there is nothing they can do for him and he should concentrate on the time he has left.
The man, however, is beside himself and will not give up. "Doc, please. What about experimantal treatments? I'm not leaving until you give me something!"
At this point the doctor finally says, "OK, if I were you I'd take my wife up to the wine country and go to one of those spas they have, for a mud bath."
Now the guy really can't believe it. "A mud bath?" he says. "If radiation won't work, chemo won't work, what is a mud bath supposed to accomplish?"
"Well, replies the Doctor, "It will get you used to dirt."
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 1 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Red Ring
Two blokes are sitting in the doctors waiting room, so to pass the time start to chat to each other. They get to why they are here and the first one, Mr Smith, says "Well, it's kind of embarrassing really, but I got this red ring round the shaft of my ... you know ... penis." "Hey that's amazing," says Mr Jones, "I got a green ring round mine. I feel a lot better knowing I aint some kind of freak."
So both feeling somewhat relieved, they talk about football and horse racing until Mr Smith is called in to see the doctor. Ten minutes later, Mr Smith returns, a wide grin on his face. On the way to the door, he quickly says to Mr Jones, "Hey no worries, he rubbed in some liquid with a cloth and it came off. You'll be out in no time. See ya buddy."
Feeling better, Mr Jones goes in to the doctor when called. He explains his problem, drops his trousers, and lets the doctor have a look. "It's serious I'm afraid Mr Jones, It will have to be amputated. I can schedule surgery for three days time."
"WHAT!! NO!! That guy in here two minutes ago got his rubbed off! What do ya mean amputate?!"
"I'm sorry Mr Jones, there is a big difference between lip-stick and gangrene."
(Added: Wed Jan 29 2003 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Restoring her youth!
After her fifth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory.
Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with five children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there.
Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.
Who are these from ?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them."
"Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks."
"Ahhh, thats really nice" said Lucy.
"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!"
"Brilliant!" said Lucy. "And the third?"
"Thats from Eric in the burns unit" said the nurse.
"He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears!"
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Rude Doctor!
Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says his wife's been in an accident.
They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case and they page the doctor.
Doc comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.
"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks.
"Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?"
The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."
"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?"
"Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her."
Mr. Jones begins to sob.
"And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia."
Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly.
"Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day."
Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.
The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly."
Now Mr. Jones is convulsing and sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.
Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder and says -
"Hey, I'm just messinging with you, dude...
You don't have to do all that stuff - she's dead!"
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 1 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Say and Think
What doctors say, and what they're really thinking:
"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
"Welllllll, what have we here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
--or--
I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.
"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.
"Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.
"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
"This should fix you up."
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
"Everything seems to be normal."
Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.
"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me ...
"There is a lot of that going around."
My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.
"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week.
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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