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Busted Doc!
A woman was having a medical problem - her husband snoring.
So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."
"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras."
"My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "sounds like leasing a new sports car!"
"Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 9 Rating: 2.75 Votes: 4) Rate It
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Mental Health Hotline!
Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are Co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are Delusional, press 7, your call will be transfered to the Mothership.
If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are Manic Depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.
If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound Button until a representative comes on the line.
If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.
If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.
If you have Bi-Polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, please try you call again later.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 8 Rating: 4.17 Votes: 6) Rate It
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10 Good Things About The Flu
10. No one wants to come near you.
9. You can legally take sedatives.
8. You realize guests on daytime talk shows have worse lives than you do.
7. You get away with being rude, obnoxious and surly.
6. You can smell like a baboon's butt and nobody complains.
5. You can shlep about the house unwashed and in your housecoat all day.
4. No matter how bad you feel, it's still better than how you felt after last month's tequila 'n' gin party.
3. Star Trek re-runs.
2. Your dog is allowed on the bed.
1. You get to pass the virus on to those you really dislike.
(Added: Wed Jan 29 2003 Hits: 9 Rating: 2.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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20 Pound Texas Baby
A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.
"Wow! Twenty pounds!" exclaimed many at the bar as they congratulated the proud father.
Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answered, "10 pounds."
The bartender said, "Why, what happened? Didn't he weigh twenty pounds at birth?"
The proud Texas father said, "Yup . . . just had him circumcised!"
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 7 Rating: 2.33 Votes: 3) Rate It
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24 Hours to Live.
After dozens of very expensive tests and weeks of hospitalization, the rich old man was told he had only 24 hours to live.
He immediately called his doctor and his lawyer to his room. He asked the doctor to stand by one side of his bed and his lawyer to stand by the other.
After standing for some time, the doctor asked "What do you want me to do?"
"Nothing. Just stand there."
A while later, the lawyer asked "What do you want me to do?"
"Nothing. Just stand there."
As the hours wore on, the doctor and the lawyer watched the man weaken. When his time had almost arrived, the doctor and the lawyer again asked "Why are we standing here?"
"Well," said the old man, "Christ died between two thieves, so I thought I'd do the same!
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 9 Rating: 2.67 Votes: 3) Rate It
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3 Docs at heavans gate!
Three doctors arrived in heaven. St. Peter asked the first one why he should be let into heaven.
The doctor said "Because I won the Nobel Peace Prize for my work."
The second doctor was a little worried when his turn came.
He said, "I haven't won any prizes, but I've started free clinics and helped those in need for free." St. Peter let him in.
The third doctor said, "I'm responsible for all the HMO's across the United States."
St. Peter thought about it for a minute and said, "OK...
I'll let you in, but only for three days!"
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 8 Rating: 4.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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A Cheap HMO ...
10. Your annual breast exam is conducted at Hooters.
9. Directions to your doctor's office include, "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
8. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
7. The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
6. The only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is "An apple a day."
5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
4. "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.
3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
2. Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.
1. You ask for Viagra; you get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 10 Rating: 1.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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A Night at the Asylum
Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
Another one said, "How do you know?"
First inmate answers, "Winston Churchill told me!"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!"
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 10 Rating: 3.00 Votes: 2) Rate It
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Absentminded Doc!
A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear.
He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear?
In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and exclaims, - "Damn, some asshole has my pen!"
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 10 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 2) Rate It
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African Vacation
A young man goes to the Doctor one morning and says "Doctor I got this problem".
"What is your problem?" replies the doctor.
"Well I'll show you" . . . he pulls down his pants and he has this great whacking hole in his bum . . .
How did you manage that?" asks the doctor . . . "Well let me explain . . . I went on holiday to Africa and this huge elephant bummed me.
Doctor says "hmmmm, but elephants only have little willies."
The man replies, "I know .... but he fingered me first"
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 9 Rating: 1.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Aids or Alzheimers?
A guy takes his ill and aging wife in to the doctor's office.
After a full examination, the doc tells the guy it's one of two things.
The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimers disease or AIDS."
"What do you mean!" The guy says, "Can't you tell the difference?"
"Well, says the Doc, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what ya do...Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, - don't have sex with her anymore!"
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 9 Rating: 3.50 Votes: 2) Rate It
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An Unusual Vet
There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.
Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.
He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way, you get your dog back!"
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 6 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Apple a Day
Does an apple a day keep the doctor away?
If you aim it well enough
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 9 Rating: 3.00 Votes: 2) Rate It
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Arthritis?
A man came hobbling into the doctor's waiting room, assisted by his wife. The poor bloke could hardly move. He was bent over and grimacing with pain as he shuffled along, his hands like two rigid claws.
The receptionist looked on sympathetically. "Oh dear," she said. "Arthritis with complications?"
"No," said the bloke's wife. "Do-it-yourself with concrete blocks."
(Added: Wed Jan 29 2003 Hits: 7 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Automated Diagnosis
A man with stomach trouble wanted to try the newly introduced automated diagnosis machine at the shopping centre. He inserted his credit card an a urine sample as instructed, waited 30 seconds and then read the printout: "You have a tennis elbow". The man was impressed, but at the same time annoyed as his arms were perfectly alright. He decided really to put the machine to the test, so he went home and collected urine samples from his wife and his cat, and for good measure added the contents of a used condom. He returned to the machine, inserted his credit card and the combined sample. After 30 seconds the printout read: "Your cat is going to have kittens, your wife is perfectly healthy, but you should quit masturbating when you have a tennis elbow."
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 9 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 3) Rate It
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Bad Insomnia
My insomnia is so bad, I can't even sleep on the job.
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 9 Rating: 1.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Bad Taste
A guy opens his packed lunch that his wife made for him that morning. He takes a bite of the sandwich and immediately spits it out cursing. Straight away he phones his wife asking, "What was in that sandwich you gave me?"
"Why?" she asked.
"Because it was disgusting." he answers. "What was in it?"
"Crab Paste." she says.
"Well I have never had anything that tasted that awful before. Where did you get it from?"
"The Pharmacy." she answers
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 7 Rating: 2.00 Votes: 4) Rate It
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Bathtub Seizure
Q: What do you do if someone's having a seizure in a bathtub?
A: Throw in a load of laundry.
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 8 Rating: 3.50 Votes: 2) Rate It
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Be an Organ Donor
Here's one from the Emergency nurses association:
Be an organ donor . . . Unbuckle!
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 8 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Bottle fed baby?
A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office.
She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor.
After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"
"Oh...he is breast fed!", replied the woman.
"Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor.
She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examing table.
The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination.
The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says -
"No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don't have any milk!"
The woman with a wry grin on her face responds..."Well of course I don't."
"I'm his aunt - but I'm SURE GLAD I brought him in!"
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 5 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Brain Surgery
The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say.
"Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.
"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000."
All the men nodded in understanding, and a few actually smirked. Then the patient's daughter asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"
"A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women's brains have to be marked down because they're used."
(Added: Wed Jan 29 2003 Hits: 8 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Breast Exam Poem
For years and years they told me, Be careful of your breasts. Don't ever squeeze or bruise them. And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings, And protected them by law. Guarded them very carefully, And I always wore my bra.
After 30 years of astute care, My doctor found a lump. She ordered up a mammogram, To look inside that bump. "Stand up very close" she said. As she got my boob in line, "And tell me when it hurts" she said. "Ah yes! There, that's fine.
She stepped upon a pedal. I could not believe my eyes! A plastic plate pressed down and down, My boob was in a vise!
My skin was stretched and stretched, From way up under my chin. My poor boob was being squashed, To Swedish pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt. Within it's vice-like grip. A prisoner in this viscous thing, My poor defenseless tit!
"Take a deep breath" she said to me, Who does she think she's kidding? My chest is mashed in her machine, And woozy I am getting.
"There, that was good," I heard her say As the room was slowly swaying. "Now, let's have a go at the other one." Lord have mercy I was praying.
It squeezed me from up and down. It squeezed me from both sides. I'll bet she's never had this done, Not to her tender little hide!
If I had no problem when I came in, I surely have one now. If there had been a cyst in there, It would have popped, "ker-pow!"
This machine was created by a man, Of this, I have no doubt. I'd like to stick his balls in there, And see how they come out!
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 7 Rating: 3.00 Votes: 2) Rate It
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Buzz Buzz Buzz!
A man and a woman have just finished shagging when suddenly a bee flies in the bedroom window and zooms straight up the woman's love tunnel.
'Oh God!' she screams. 'Help me! There's a bee up my vagina and it's buzzing around in there (albeit rather pleasurably)!'
'Let's go says her mate, I'll rush you straight to hospital!'
On arrival at the emergency room the agitated couple are ushered into a curtained-off area by a male doctor.
'What seems to be the problem?' he asks.
'I've got a frigging bee up my vagina' screams the woman. 'Get it out!'
'I see,' says the doctor.'Well, there's only one way to extract this bee. I'm going to have to spread honey on my nob and entice it out.'
The doctor gets out his old fella and dunks it in a jar of honey he just happens to have with him. He then mounts the woman and penetrates her with his sticky sweet love stick.
'Just an inch or two should do it,' he says.
After a few seconds he slides it in a bit further. After another few seconds he says 'Hmmm, it doesn't seem to be biting. I'll have to go deeper' and slides it in all the way.
Suddenly he starts fondling her boobs with his hands, thrusting violently with his hips and moaning with what sounds like pleasure.
'HOLD IT!' says the boyfriend, 'What are you doing?'
'Change of plans!,' shouts the doctor...
'I've decided to drown the little bastard!'
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 7 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Can you pay the bill?
A man was brought to the hospital, and taken quickly in for emergency surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.
"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed.
"Just my sister in New York," he volunteered. "But she's a spinster nun."
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters;' they are married to God."
"Really...wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, you can send the bill to my brother-in-law!
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 7 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Checkup
This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?"
She says, "I just got my check-up and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again. He says, Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?"
She says, "Well, your name never came up."
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 6 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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