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An attorney ran over to
An attorney ran over to the office of his client. ''I can't believe it!'' said the angered attorney, ''You sent a case of Dom Perignon to the judge in your case? That judge is as straight as an arrow. Now we're certain to lose this case!''
''Relax,'' said the client, ''I sent it in the prosecutor's name.''
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An Elderly couple are in the
An Elderly couple are in the Lawyer's office saying they would like to get a divorce
The Lawyer says ''Why did you wait until now? You're 96 and your husband is 97''
The wife replies, ''We wanted to wait until the kids were dead''
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Apple a Day
There was a time when an apple a day kept the doctor away, but now it's malpractice insurance.
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Art
In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him.
Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell are you doing?"
"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I'm a lawyer. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Bad Neighbours
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"
The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?"
"$7.98." said the butcher.
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98.
Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150
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Bribes
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.
"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."
Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.
"You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon, and stated "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case strictly on its merits."
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Bronze Rat
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it." "You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.
By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run for the bridge.
Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist, "but I was wondering if you have any bronze lawyers!"
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Catch a Thief
The old adage that "It takes a thief to catch a thief" may indeed be true.
But these days there's a 3rd thief involved pleading the case -- the lawyer.
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Caught Again!!
You're trapped in a cave with a cobra, grizzly, killer bees, and a lawyer. You have a gun that only has 2 bullets. What do you do?
You shoot the lawyer, and then shoot him again to make sure he's dead.
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Caught!!
A young lawyer went to work generating billable hours at a prestigious law firm. After six months of 20-hour days, the senior partner who had become his mentor told him that if he continued this diligence, he might someday be considered for partner.
After another six months, the electricity went out one night in his office. Not being able to work, he headed home a bit earlier than usual. When he arrived there, his mentor's car was in his driveway and all the lights were out.
Fearing the worst, he quietly entered the front door, removed his shoes, and tiptoed upstairs where he could see by moonlight his wife and his mentor in a passionate, naked embrace.
He stole back down the steps, let his car roll silently out of the driveway without starting it, then drove back to his dark office, where he sat sweating in his chair and said, "Whew, I almost got caught."
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Conflict of Interest
Having lawyers create laws is like have doctors create diseases!
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 3 Rating: 2.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Courtroom Chaos
A man accused of robbing a bank was tried for the final time and was found guilty. Just before he was taken away, the man looked the judge in the eye and said, "Would it be okay if I called you a son of a bitch?"
The judge's face went red and he roared, "It most certainly would not! I'd add another two years onto your sentence!"
The defendant nodded and then asked, "Would it be okay if I THOUGHT you were a son of a bitch?"
The judge was becoming very annoyed but replied, "Yes, I suppose that would be okay. I obviously have no control over your thoughts."
The defendant smiled and said, "Well, in that case, judge, I think you are a son of a bitch!"
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Cross Examination
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so- called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
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Did you hear they just released...
Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called ''Divorced Barbie''?
Yeah, it comes with all of Ken's stuff.
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Did you know that heaven
Did you know that heaven and hell are right next to each other? Well they are and there seperated by a VERY long fence.
Well one night hell had a really big party and knocked down the fence. The next day God called satan over and told him to put the fence back up. Satan agreed and they then parted ways.
The day after that God came back and called satan back and said ''Satan look! The fence is now 3 feet into Heaven! I demand that you put it back!!!''
''And what if i dont??'' Satan replyed.
''Then I guess I'll have to sue'' God replyed.
''Well how are you going to get a lawyer? They're all in hell!''
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Donation
The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute and said, "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, "Um... No."
"Or," the lawyer continued, "that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her pennyless with three children?"
The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
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Drowning Lawyer
How do you prevent a Lawyer from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water!
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EMT response times.
Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team’s response times. “Since we installed our new satellite navigation system,” bragged one, “we’ve cut our emergency response time by ten percent.”
“Not bad,” the second paramedic commented. “But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we we cut our average time by 20 percent.”
“That’s nothing said the third paramedic. “Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we’ve cut our emergency response time in half!”
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 1 Rating: 3.50 Votes: 2) Rate It
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Eternal Marriage
On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heaven's gate waiting on St.Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven.
St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him.
St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sits for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?"
St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out?
Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground!
"What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple.
"Come on!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here!
Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer!?"
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 3 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 2) Rate It
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Flood
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.
The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"
The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."
The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how do you start a flood?"
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 1 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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George and Harry set out
George and Harry set out in a trans-Atlantic hot air balloon race. After 37 hours in the air and appearing lost, George offers, ''We had better lose some altitude Harry so we can see exactly where we are.''
Hesitantly, Harry lets some hot air out of the balloon, and it begins to slowly descend below the cloud cover. Still confused as to their exact location George again offers, ''I still can't tell where we are Harry, let's ask that gentleman down there on the ground.''
Harry yells down to the stranger, ''Hey, Mister can you tell us where we are?''
''You're in a balloon about 100 feet up in the air,'' came the reply.
''That man must be a lawyer,'' George quipped. ''How can you tell?'' said Harry.
''Because the advice he just gave us is 100% accurate and totally useless!''
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 2 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Get Me Another Lawyer
Defendant: Your Honor, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
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Getting a date.
There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date. The guy said, "It's simple. I just say, I'm a lawyer."
So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said "No," he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.
She said, "Oh!!!! Your a lawyer?"
He said, "Why,... Yes I am!"
So they went to his place and when they were in bed, screwing, he started to laugh to himself. When she asked what was so funny, he answered,
"Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!"
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Giving up drugs!
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said,
"You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...
...O...o
...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge.
"And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy, "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?",
"Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)
...o...O
I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before prison, ..."
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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His Arm
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
(Added: Thu Jan 30 2003 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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