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A Dublin lawyer died in poverty
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling.
''Only a shilling to bury an attorney?'', said the Justice, ''Here's a guinea, go and bury 20 of them.''
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A lawyer named 'Strange'
A lawyer named 'Strange' was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.
''Here lies an honest man and a lawyer,'' responded the lawyer.
''Sorry, but I can't do that,'' replied the stonecutter. ''In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put 'Here lies an honest lawyer'.''
''But that won't let people know who it is,'' protested the lawyer.
''It most certainly will,'' retorted the stonecutter. ''People will read it and exclaim, ''That's Strange!''
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A man walked into
A man walked into the local Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously desperate. Seeing a man at the counter, the stranger asks, ''Is there a criminal attorney in town?''
To which the man behind the counter immediately quipped, ''Yes, but we can't prove it yet!''
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Early shopping trip.
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the defendant, "What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early sir", replied the defendant.
"Well that's not an crime", said the judge! "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened", answered the prisoner.
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The kind lawyer!
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!"
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Three lawyers and
Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference.
At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three
engineers buy only a single ticket.
''How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?'' asked one of
the
three lawyers.
''Watch and you'll see,'' answers one of the engineers.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all
three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, ''Ticket, please''
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was
quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy
the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the
station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment,
the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
''How are you going to travel without a ticket,'' asks one perplexed lawyer.
''Watch and you'll see,'' says one of the engineers.When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the
three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over
to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding He knocks on the door and says,
''Ticket, please.''
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Two lawyers were walking along
Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case.
''Look,'' said one, ''let's be honest with each other.''
''Okay, you first,'' replied the other.
That was the end of the discussion.
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3 Bullets
In front of you stand four men: Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein and a lawyer. You are holding a gun which contains only three bullets. Who do you shoot?
Use all three bullets on the lawyer.
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3 Questions
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"
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A certain lawyer was
A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks every year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two at this home, which happened to be in a backwoods.
On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed. They had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors.
Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female. The lawyer, seeing the two bears and sensing danger, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, however, being ignorant of nature, was not so lucky. The male bear charged the paralyzed Czechoslovakian, then swallowed him whole.
The lawyer, instilled with fright, rushed back to his car and sped into town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff, upon hearing the lawyer's unsettling story, grabbed his rifle and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer following closely behind.
Sure enough, the two bears were still there. ''He's in THAT one!'', cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, all the while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family lagged in the back of his mind. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the two bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his rifle, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
''What did you do that for!'', exclaimed the lawyer, ''I said he was in the other one!''
''Exactly,'' replied the sheriff, ''Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you the Czech was in the male?''
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A housewife, an accountant
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked ''How much is 2 plus 2?''
The housewife replies: ''Four!''
The accountant says: ''I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time.''
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, ''How much do you want it to be?''
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A law firm receptionist answered
A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly.
''Is Mr. Smith there?'', asked the client on the phone.
''I'm very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night,'' the receptionist answered.
''Is Mr. Smith there?'', repeated the client.
The receptionist was perplexed. ''Perhaps you didn't understand me I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night.''
''Is Mr. Smith there?'', asked the client again.
''Ma'am, do you understand what I'm saying?'', said the exasperated receptionist. ''Mr. Smith is DEAD!''
''I understand you perfectly,'' the client sighed. ''I just can't hear it often enough.''
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A lawyer and an engineer
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said ''I'm here 'cause my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.''
''That's quite a coincidence,'' said the engineer, ''I'm here 'cause my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.''
The lawyer pondered the engineer's plight for a moment and, looking somewhat confused, asked, ''How do you start a flood?''
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A lawyer charged a client $500.00
A lawyer charged a client $500.00 for legal services. The client paid him with crisp new $100.00 bills. After the client left, the lawyer discovered that two of the bills had stuck together -- he'd been overpaid by $100.00.
The ethical dilemma for the lawyer: Should he tell his partner?
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A lawyer is bombing along
A lawyer is bombing along the moterwat in his brand new Ferarri F50. All of a sudden he loses control of the vehicle and drives onto the wrong side of the road. He has a head-on collision with a lorry. A passer-by saw the accident and phoned for an ambulance. The lawyers car was smashed up. When the paramedics arrived they found the lawyer through the windshield. The lawyer was screaming,''oh no! My car,my car!'' The paramedic replied,'' I don't think you should worried about your car sir, your arm has come clean of.''
The lawyer shouted,''oh no my Rolex, my Rolex!''
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A lawyer's dog, running about
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, b-lines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, ''if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?''
''Absolutely,'' the lawyer responded.
The butcher immediately shot back, ''Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning.''
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer.
The contents read ''Consultation: $25.00.''
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A lawyers tomstone.
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative:
He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.
That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange"!
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A man walks into a bar
A man walks into a bar with an alligator. ''Do you serve lawyers in here?'', the man inquires.
''Sure do!'', replied the bartender.
''Great!'', the man said. ''I'll have a Coors Light, and how 'bout a lawyer for my 'gator.''
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A man walks into a bar...
A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and says, “Hi there, how’s it going tonight?”
She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, “I’ll screw anybody any time, anywhere, any place… it doesn’t matter to me.”
The guy raises his eyebrows and says, “No kidding? What law firm do you work for?”
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A Mexican bandit made a
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time, robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, DEAD or ALIVE!
A trigger happy, young, enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track down the bandit on his own and collect the reward. After a lengthy search, the Ranger tracked the bandit to his favorite cantina and snuck up behind him. At the sound of the Ranger's guns cocking and preparing to fire, the surprised bandit sped around only to see both of the Ranger's six-shooters bearing down on him.
The Ranger announced, ''You're under arrest! Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll drop you where you stand,'' his finger becoming itchy on the trigger.
However, the bandit didn't speak English and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately for the Ranger, a bilingual lawyer was present in the cantina and translated the Ranger's demand to the bandit. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried next to an old oak tree behind the cantina.
''What did he say, what did he say?'', the Ranger hurriedly asked.
To which the lawyer replied, ''Well, the best I can make out he said ... DRAW!''
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A-Hole!
A man in a bar stands up and proclaims, "All Lawyers are ASSHOLES!"
A man at the front of the bar stands up and says "Hey! I resent that!"
So the first man asks, "Why are you a lawyer?"
"NO! I'm an asshole!"
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Actual Court Sayings!
30 things people actually said in court
Question 1.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Question 2.
Q: What gear were you in the moment of impact?
A: Gucci sweets and Reeboks.
Question 3.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you have forgotten?
Question 4.
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: 38 or 35, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: 45 years
Question 5.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A My name is Susan.
Question 6.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximatly milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Question 7.
Q: Sir, What is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Question 8.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Question 9.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, Voodoo.
Question 10.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendent, were you red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes
Q: Did the defendent say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes sir
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Question 11.
Q: Now doctor, isnt it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesnt know about it until the next morning?
Question 12.
Q: The youngest son, the 22 year old, how old is he?
Question 13.
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Question 14.
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Question 15.
Q: Did he kill you?
Question 16.
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision?
Question 17.
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Question 18.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Question 19.
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at the time?
Question 20.
Q: She had three children right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: none.
Q: Were there any girls?
Question 21.
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: yes
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Question 22.
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather eleborate honeymoon, didnt you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
Question 23.
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Question 24.
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Question 25.
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or female?
Question 26.
Q: Doctor how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Question 27.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK,? What school did you go to?
A: Oral
Question 28.
Q: Do you recall the time you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Question 29.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Question 30.
Q:Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So it was possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brains was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patien have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he coulkd have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
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After an electrician finished
After an electrician finished repairing some faulty wiring in an attorney's home he handed him the the bill.
''Four hundred dollars! For an hour's work?'' cried the attorney, ''That's ridiculous! Why I'm an attorney and I don't charge that much.''
To which the electrician replied, ''Funny, when I was an attorney I didn't either!''
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All Male Jury
A lawyer addresses an all male jury: "Gentlemen, shall we cast this beautiful, lonely young lady into a dim cell in a prison, or shall we return her to her oceanside beach condo, Ocean City, telephone Number 555-4531?"
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An attorney passed on and found
An attorney passed on and found himself in Heaven. Not at all happy with his accommodations, he complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment.
The attorney immediately advised St. Peter that he intended to appeal. The attorney was immediately informed that it would be at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The attorney protested that a three-year wait was unconscionable, however his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by Satan, who told him that he would be able to arrange his appeal to be heard in just a few days, but only if the attorney stipulated to change the venue to Hell.
When the attorney inquired as to why appeals could be heard so much faster in Hell, Satan gleefully exclaimed, ''Who do you think has all of the judges!''
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