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Letters to God
The following are letters from children to GOD.
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Dear GOD, In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation?
-Jane
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Dear GOD, I read the Bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me.
Love, Alison
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Dear GOD, Are you really invisible or is that just a trick?
-Lucy
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Dear GOD, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?
-Anita
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Dear GOD, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
-Norma
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Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now?
-Jane
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Dear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries?
-Nan
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Dear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?
-Neil
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Dear GOD, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything.
-Jane
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Dear GOD, Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother.
-Darla
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Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.
-Joyce
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Dear GOD, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (But I am not going to tell you who I am)
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Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest.
-Tom L.
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Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up.
-Bruce
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Dear GOD, If we come back as something - please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her.
-Denise
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Letters to God -- Part 1
The following are letters from children to GOD.
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Dear GOD, In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation?
-Jane
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Dear GOD, I read the Bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me.
Love, Alison
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Dear GOD, Are you really invisible or is that just a trick?
-Lucy
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Dear GOD, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?
-Anita
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Dear GOD, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
-Norma
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Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now?
-Jane
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Dear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries?
-Nan
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Dear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?
-Neil
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Dear GOD, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything.
-Jane
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Dear GOD, Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother.
-Darla
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Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.
-Joyce
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Dear GOD, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (But I am not going to tell you who I am)
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Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest.
-Tom L.
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Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up.
-Bruce
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Dear GOD, If we come back as something - please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her.
-Denise
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Letters to God -- Part 2
The following are letters from children to GOD.
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Dear GOD, If You give me a genie lamp like Alladin, I will give you anything you want, except my money or my chess set.
-Raphael
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Dear GOD, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha.
-Danny
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Dear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.
-Larry
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Dear GOD, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over.
-Sam
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Dear GOD, You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways.
-Dean
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Dear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions.
-Ruth M.
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Dear GOD, I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying.
-Elliott
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Dear GOD, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.
-Nan
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Dear GOD, Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best.
-Rob
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Dear GOD, My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they?
-Marsha
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Dear GOD, If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.
-Mickey D.
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Dear GOD, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. Love, Chris
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Dear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, Donna
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Dear GOD: The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land you fool." But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do.
-Eddie
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Dear GOD, I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are GOD already.
-Charles
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Dear GOD, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool!
-Eugene
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Lipstick Prevention
According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror.
Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
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Little Bird
One guy decided one day to try a nudest beach.
So he got there, striped, and setteld down on his blanket, trying to get a tan.
Soon a little girl came up, pointed at his penis and asked what it was.
'uh..my little bird.
But don't touch it, it might bite you."
Then he fell asleep. the next thing he knew, he was at a hospital.
"what's going on?" then he saw the little girl from the beach
"Why am I hear?" "well, You fell asleep, but I wanted to play whit your bird.
I started petting him, and he started trying to fly! so then I tried to lift it up, and pulled REALLy tight! then it started spitting at me.
I hit it a lot, but it just kept spitting.
Then...
*gulp* I kinda stomped on it, and I think I killed it!"
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Little Johnny at it again!
The teacher was telling her 4th grade class about today's lesson.
"I'll say a letter of the alphabet and you give me a word that starts with that letter. Let's begin. A"
All the children raise their hands, but little Johnny was almost coming out of his seat trying to get picked. The teacher knew Johnny had a filthy mouth and thought to herself that if she picked Johnny, he would give her a word like 'ass' or 'asshole'. She picked Wendy, and Wendy said "apple".
"Very good", said the teacher, "now B".
Johnny was jumping out of his seat again, but the teacher picked Bobby. Bobby said "ball".
This went on and on with Johnny trying to get picked for each letter and the teacher knowing there was a dirty word for it. Then she got to "R". Nobody but Johnny had their hands up.
The teacher thought and thought and couldn't think of a bad word that started with "R". So she picked Johnny.
Johnny stands up and says: "R...Rat...a big, fat, fuckin' Rat!"
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Little Johnny at the neighbors...
Little Johnny 's next door neighbors had a baby.
Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears.
When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid that their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby so the dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors.
He said "Now, son... that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears or I am really going to spank you when we get back home."
"I promise not to mention his ears at all" said Little Johnny.
At the neighbors home, Little Johnny leaned over in the crib and touched the baby's hand He looked at it's mother and said "Oh What a Beautiful little baby". The mother said "Thank you very much, Little Johnny."
He then said, "this baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why... just look at his pretty little eyes.... Did his doctor say that he can see good?"
The Mother said "why, yes Johnny... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision.
Little Johnny said "well, its a darn good thing, cause he sure couldn't wear glasses!!!
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Little Johnny on the Farm!
Little Johnny wakes up and comes down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," replied little Johnny.
His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, now he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either.
I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning."
Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen.
Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says...
"Are you going to tell him, or should I?
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Little Rascals
The little rascals were in class and the teacher was giving them a vocabulary lesson. The teacher said, "Alfalfa, use the word love in a sentence".
Alfalfa replies, "I love Darla".
The teacher said, "Good...now Spanky your word is respect".
Spanky replies, "I respect the way Alfalfa loves Darla".
The teacher said, "Very good! Now Buckweat its your turn, your word is Dictate".
Buckweat replies, "Hey Darla...how did my dictate last night?".
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Making Puppies
A MOTHER AND HER FIVE YEAR OLD SON ARE ON THEIR WAY HOME FROM DAYCARE WHEN THE CHILD SEES TWO DOGS IN A FIELD SCREWING. PUZZLED, THE CHILD ASKS THE MOM WHAT THEY ARE DOING.
THE MOM NOT SURE HOW TO ANSWER SAYS THEY ARE BUSY MAKING PUPPIES.
LATER THAT EVENING WHEN EVERYONE IS IN BED MOM AND DAD ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF HAVING SEX. ALL OF A SUDDEN THE YOUNG BOY WALKS IN.
DADDY, HE SAYS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WELL SON HE SAID, YOUR MOM AND I HAVE DECIDED ITS TIME FOR YOU TO HAVE A LITTLE BROTHER OR SISTER.
THE BOY STARTS CRYING AND SAYS, NO DADDY, TURN MOMMY OVER, I'D RATHER HAVE A PUPPY!
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Milk Truck
Q: What gives milk and has one horn?
A: A milk truck!
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Mom's Dictionary
Amnesia: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to become romantic again.
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Family Planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
Feedback: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't fully appreciate the strained carrots.
Full Name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Independent: What we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
Show Off: A child who is more talented than yours.
Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
Top Bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.
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Mommy Dearest!
As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy is gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face and tears down her face.
I said, "What's wrong honey?"
Sad and broken up she looked at me and said -
"Mommy, where's my booger?
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Museum Funny!
Q: What did King Tut say to the museum?
A: I want my mummy!
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New Mic
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mic, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mic cord as he went.
Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.
After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
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No More Baby Talk!
On the first day of school, a 3rd grade teacher told her class: "Now that you are grown up, I don't want to hear anymore baby talk. I'd like each of you to tell us what you did during the summer vacation. We'll start with Billy."
Billy: I went on a long trip with my family in the putt-putt.
Teacher: No, Billy, it's not a putt-putt. It's a car. No more baby talk. Sally, you're next.
Sally: We went on a trip on a choo-choo to see Grandma.
Teacher: Sally, it's not a choo-choo. It's a train. Please no more baby words. Mikey, what did you do?
Mikey: I didn't go anywhere. I stayed home and read my favorite book.
Teacher: And what's the name of the book.
Mikey looked embarrassed and shook his head.
Teacher: Come on, Mikey. You're a big boy now. Tell us the name of the book and don't use any baby talk.
Mikey looked up, blushed, and said: O.K. ..... Winne-the-Shit!
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One Brilliant Kid!
A Duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants when he came across a tree. Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an arrow.
"Who is this incredibly fine archer?" cried the duke. "I must find him!"
After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admitted that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets.
"You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the
middle, did you?" asked the duke worriedly.
"No my lord. I shot them from a hundred paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy."
"That is truly astonishing," said the duke. "I hereby admit you into my service." The boy thanked him profusely.
"But I must ask one favor in return," the duke continued.
"You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot."
"Well," said the boy, "first I fire the arrow at the tree...
...and then I paint the target around it."
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One-liners for kids.
Q: What goes TICK-TICK, WOOF-WOOF?
A: A watchdog!
Q: Why do male deer need braces?
A: Because they have "buck teeth!"
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Orange and Banana
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Banana!
Banana who?
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Banana!
Banana who?
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Banana!
Banana who?
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Orange!
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say Banana!
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Pantsy Golfer
Q: Why did the golfer wear 2 pairs of pants?
A: Just in case he got a hole-in-one!
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Pierced ears for pirates
How much do pirates pay to get their ears pierced?
A Buccaneer!
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Playing House
Little Johnny and Susie, each five years old, were playing house.
They both decided it was time to get married.
So Little Johnny went to Susie's dad to ask for her hand in marriage.
"Where will you live?" asked Susie's dad, thinking this was cute.
"Well," said Little Johnny, "I figured I could just move into Susie's room. It's plenty big for both of us."
"And how will you live?"
"I get $5 a week allowance and Susie gets $5 a week allowance.
That should be enough."
Getting exasperated since Little Johnny seems to know all the answers,
Susie's dad asked, "And what if little ones come along?"
"Well," said Little Johnny, "we've been lucky so far
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Playing with Grandpa
A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "No."
The little boy goes on, "Please .. please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."
The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise."
So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother no and I'm telling you no."
The little girl says, "Please .. please Grandpa make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?"
The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World!"
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Potential and Reality
A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."
Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt.
His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two millions bucks, but in reality, we are living with two whores."
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Pregnant Mystery
A three year old walked over to the pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.
He inquisitively ask the lady," why is your stomach so big?"
She replied, "Im having a baby."
With big eyes,he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"
She said, "He sure is."
Then the little boy with a puzzled look asked, "Is it a good baby?"
She said, "oh yes, its a real good baby."
With even a more surprised and shocked look he said, "Then why in the world did you eat him?"
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