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Gladly
A child came home from Sunday School and old his mother that he had learned a new song about a cross-eyed bear named Gladly.
It took his mother a while before she realized that the hymn was really "Gladly The Cross I'd Bear,"
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Great Truths About Life
1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10. The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
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Halloween funnies for kids!
Q. Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?
A. They're afraid of flying off the handle!
Q. Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
A. Dayscare centers.
Q. Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
A. His ghoul friend.
Q. What do ghosts serve for dessert?
A. I Scream.
Q. What do witches put on their hair?
A. Scare spray.
Q. What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
A. Bamboo.
Q. What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
A. Boo boos.
Q. Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?
A. Because of his coffin.
Q. Why do mummies make excellent spies?
A. They're good at keeping things under wraps.
Q. Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party?
A. Because everyone was a goblin!
Q. How did the ghost patch his sheet?
A. With a pumpkin patch.
Q. What is as sharp as a vampires fang?
A. His other fang.
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Having Children at 49
Women forty-nine years old are having their first child. Forty-nine! I couldn't think of a better way to spend my golden years. What's the advantage of having a kid at forty-nine? So you can both be in diapers at the same time?
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History Lessons
The following are genuine snippets from essays by high school students:
"Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustered his troops before the Battle of Hastings. Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense."
"The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Guttenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper."
"The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found it difficult to walk because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo."
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History Lessons -- 1
The following are genuine snippets from essays by high school students:
"Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustered his troops before the Battle of Hastings. Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense."
"The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Guttenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper."
"The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found it difficult to walk because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo."
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History Lessons -- 2
"Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this."
"The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign."
"The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote The Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radium."
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History Lessons -- 3
"The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy."
"Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was precedent, he wore only a tall silk hat. Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the Ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Cu Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. It claimed it represented law and odor. On the night of April 14, 1855, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assasinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career."
"the First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history."
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Honey
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.
She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your daddy and mommy probably call each other all the time."
Instantly, one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Spit 'em out, guys, they're assholes!"
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Honey
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.
She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your daddy and mommy probably call each other all the time."
Instantly, one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Spit 'em out, guys, they're assholes!"
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How do guys in jail.....
How do prisoners in jail talk to each other?
With their cell phones!
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How Kids Interpret Words
A woman is driving down the freeway with her daughter Kimmie. Kimmie is digging through the glove box looking for something.
"Oh, SHIT!" yells young Kim in complete frustration.
"Kim! Do you know what that means?" said the woman.
"Yes, Mommie. That's what you say when you can't find something."
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I Want a Bicycle
A little boy lived with his mother. His dad had left them when he was still an infant, (doesn't sound funny yet. Yes. I know) and now he was approaching his sixth birthday, never having known what it's like to have a father, to have a man around the house. Naturally, this was on his mother's mind, too. She had been without a partner for years, and was lonely, sometimes very depressed about it.
At the stroke of midnight, one night, the little boy was awakened from his sleep by sounds coming from his mother's room. He got up and went down the hall, opened the door a crack and saw his mother, standing in front of the mirror, naked, her arms spread out to her sides. She was so intensely involved in what she was doing she didn't even see him. She repeated over and over into the mirror, "I want a man! I want a man! I want a man!!"
A little confused, but very curious, the boy went back to bed.
The next night, once again, at exactly midnight, he was awakened, and padded down the hallway to find his mother, again, nude, facing the mirror, "I want a man! I want a man! I want a man!!!"
He's no fool. He starts to set his alarm for midnight so he won't miss anything. But this next night, when he's awakened by his alarm and sneaks down the hallway, he hears his mom and some unfamiliar male voice coming from behind her bedroom door. This had never happened before. It scared the stuffing out of him. He ran back to his room and hid under the blankets. When he awoke in the morning, and came downstairs for breakfast, he found his mother sitting at the table with a strange man. She introduced them to each other; he sat there eyeing this man, trying to figure things out. After a while, his mommy showed her new friend to the door, kissed him goodbye, and sent him on his way.
This was not lost on the little boy. And that night, he set his alarm for midnight, again. When the alarm awakened him, he got up, stripped naked, and tiptoed down the hall where he positioned himself directly in front of his mother's mirror. He stretched his arms out wide, looked straight into the glass, opened his little mouth and cried out, "I want a bicycle! I want a bicycle! I want a bicycle!"
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I'm Hungry
Q: Where does your nose go, when it gets hungry?
A: Booger King!!!
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If a frog parks.
Q. What happens when a forg parks illegaly?
A. It gets toad!
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Is it a Boy or Girl Cat?
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens."
How did you know?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
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Kid's letters to God...cute!
Here's a list of some cute letters kids have written to God:
Dear GOD:
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have? - Jane
Dear GOD:
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. - Larry
Dear GOD:
If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. - Mickey
Dear GOD:
I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. - Nan
Dear GOD:
In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? - Jane
Dear GOD:
I read the Bible. What does "beget" mean? Nobody will tell me. - Love, Alison
Dear GOD:
Are You really invisible or is it just a trick? - Lucy
Dear GOD:
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? Anita
Dear GOD:
Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma
Dear GOD:
Who draws the lines around the countries? - Nan
Dear GOD:
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil
Dear GOD:
What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -Jane
Dear GOD:
Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if You did, then I'm going to fix my brother. - Darla
Dear GOD:
Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. - Joyce
Dear GOD:
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend, (But I am not going to tell You who I am)
Dear GOD:
Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. Tom L.
Dear GOD:
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Bruce
Dear GOD:
If we come back as something else, please don't let me be MaryHorton - because I hate her. - Denise
Dear GOD:
If you give me a genie like Aladdin, I will give You anything You want, except my money or my chess set. - Raphael
Dear GOD:
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. - Sam
Dear GOD:
You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. - Dean
Dear GOD:
I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. Ruth M.
Dear GOD:
I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying - Elliott
Dear GOD:
Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best.- Rob
Dear GOD:
My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they? - Marsha
Dear GOD:
I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. - Love, Chris
Dear GOD:
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it So I bet he stole your idea. - Sincerely, Donna
Dear GOD:
The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land, you fool." But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. - Eddie
Dear GOD:
I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are GOD already. - Charles
Dear GOD:
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. That was cool. - Eugene
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Kids in Hospital
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"
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Kids in Hospital
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"
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Kids Perspective
One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said, "I have to sleep with Daddy."
A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."
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Kids View of Marriage and Relationships
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
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"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Alan, age 10
"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
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"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then." Camille, age 10
"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married." Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
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"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." Eddie, 6
"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
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"Both don't want no more kids." Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
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"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. Lynnette, age 8.
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
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"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?
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"When they're rich." Pam, age 7
"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." Curt, age 7
"The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do." Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
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"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them." Anita, 9
"Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing." Kirsten, age 10
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
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"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?" Kelvin, age 8
"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now." Roberta, age 7
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
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"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." Ricky, age 10
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Kids watching parents
Two small children are peeking through their parents' slightly ajar, bedroom door, as one says to the other "Boy, and she shouts at me for sucking my THUMB!?!"
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Knock-Knocks 4 Kids Galore
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Rita.
Rita who?
Rita book, you might learn something.
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Police.
Police who?
Police open the door, I'm tired of knocking.
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Henrietta.
Henrietta who?
Henrietta worm that was in his apple.
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Carrie.
Carrie who?
Carrie on with what you're doing, I'm at the wrong door.
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Anita.
Anita who?
Anita drink of water.
Knock! Knock!
Who's ther?
Dwain.
Dwain who?
Dwain the bathtub, I'm dwrowning.
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Leaf
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"
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Leave It To The Kids
A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.
He inquisitively ask the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"
She replied, "Im having a baby."
With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"
She said, "He sure is."
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"
She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."
With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked...
"Then why did you eat him?"
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