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Bicycle
A Kid was walking to the bathroom, when he saw through the slightly open door, his mother was in there. She was buck naked and looking into the mirror while rubbing her breasts and moaning "I want a man. I NEED a man!".
The next day, the same thing happens: the kid is about to enter the bathroom and sees his mother rubbing her naked body in front of the mirror "I want a man. I NEED a man"
But the next day, when the kid is on the way to the bathroom, his passes his mother's bedroom, where some guy is humping her while she screams "I got a man, OH GOD, I got a man!!".
The kid immediately runs to the bathroom, stripping off his clothes on the way, then stands in front of the mirror rubbing his body saying "I want a bicycle. I NEED a bicycle!"....
(Added: Sun Feb 02 2003 Hits: 2 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Bicycle
A Kid was walking to the bathroom, when he saw through the slightly open door, his mother was in there. She was buck naked and looking into the mirror while rubbing her breasts and moaning "I want a man. I NEED a man!".
The next day, the same thing happens: the kid is about to enter the bathroom and sees his mother rubbing her naked body in front of the mirror "I want a man. I NEED a man"
But the next day, when the kid is on the way to the bathroom, his passes his mother's bedroom, where some guy is humping her while she screams "I got a man, OH GOD, I got a man!!".
The kid immediately runs to the bathroom, stripping off his clothes on the way, then stands in front of the mirror rubbing his body saying "I want a bicycle. I NEED a bicycle!"....
(Added: Mon Feb 03 2003 Hits: 3 Rating: 3.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Birds & Bees
Cow Birthing:
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The man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 5-year-old son standing pie-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great... he's 5 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and the bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer." When everything was over, Dad strolled over to his son and said,
"Well Willie, do you have any questions?"
"Just one," gasped the pie-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"
(Added: Sun Feb 02 2003 Hits: 3 Rating: 4.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Blood Test
Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very loudly.
2nd Child: Why are you crying?
1st Child: I came here for a blood test.
2nd Child: So? Are you afraid?
1st Child: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
At this, the second one started crying profusely.
The first one was astonished.
1st Child: Why are you crying now?
2nd Child: I came for a urine test !
(Added: Sun Feb 02 2003 Hits: 2 Rating: 3.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Blood Test
Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very loudly.
2nd Child: Why are you crying?
1st Child: I came here for a blood test.
2nd Child: So? Are you afraid?
1st Child: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
At this, the second one started crying profusely.
The first one was astonished.
1st Child: Why are you crying now?
2nd Child: I came for a urine test !
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Boys and Girls
"Equal" is not always synonymous with "the same." Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same.
1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.
2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she'll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he'll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you're driving there.
3. Boys' rooms are usually messy. Girls' rooms are usually messy, except it's a good smelling mess.
4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.
5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.
6. Boys couldn't care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.
7. Baby girls find mommy's makeup and almost instintively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.
8. If a girl accidently burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidently burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.
9. Boys grow their fingernails long because because they're too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long - not because they look nice - but because they can dig them into a boys arm.
10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.
11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.
12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.
13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they've watched "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" movie three times in a row.
14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.
(Added: Sun Feb 02 2003 Hits: 2 Rating: 4.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Buying Dumbells
Somewhat skeptical of his son's newfound determination to become the next Charles Atlas, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the weight-lifting department.
"Please, Dad," whined the boy, "I promise I'll use them every day."
"I don't know, Michael. It's really a big commitment on your part," the father pointed out.
"Please, Dad?"
"They're not cheap either."
"I'll use them Dad, I promise. You'll see."
Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and headed for the door.
From the corner of the store he heard his son yell, "What! You mean I have to carry them to the car?!"
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Cadillacs
Three little black boys sitting on a porch. The first little black boy says, "What would you do with a million dollars?" The second boy said, "I'd buy that blue Cadillac over there." The third little boy said, "I'd buy the pink Cadillac siiting over there." Then the third little boy asked the first what he'd do with the money. The first boy replied, "I'd cover myself in hair." The other two asked "why?" and he said because my sister has a(2" x 2") patch of hair and she owns both those Cadillacs!
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Carpooling
For the second time in a row, I was forced to impose on the woman with whom I carpooled to our children's soccer practices. I phoned and explained that my husband had the car again, so I wouldn't be able to take my turn.
A few minutes before she was due to pick up my son, my husband showed up. Since it was too late for me to call and say I could drive after all, I asked my husband to hide the car in the garage and to stay inside. I also explained to my son that he shouldn't mention anything about his father's whereabouts.
Unfortunately, my husband forgot and was in front of our house chatting with a friend when my carpool partner arrived. When my son returned from practice, I asked him if she had noticed.
"Yes," he replied, "she asked me which of the two men in front of the house was my father. But don't worry. I told her I didn't know!"
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Casket Talk
What did one casket say to the other ?
Was that you coffin?
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Chickens
Two chickens were talking and one chicken said to a the other chicken "who is your favorite music composer?"
The second chicken responds "bach, bach, bach!"
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Children's Books?
"You Are Different and That's Bad"
"Dad's New Wife Timothy"
"Pop! Goes The Hamster . . . And Other Great Microwave Games"
"Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets"
"The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad"
"Babar Meets the Taxidermist"
"Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"
"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"
"Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse"
"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"
"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"
"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"
"Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear"
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Children's Proverbs
A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. He gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest. Here is what the kids came up with:
People in glass houses shouldn't . . . run around naked.
Better to be safe than . . . punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the . . . bug is close.
It's always darkest before . . . daylight savings time.
Never underestimate the power of . . . termites.
You can lead a horse to water but . . . how?
Don't bite the hand that . . . looks dirty.
No news is . . . impossible.
A miss is as good as a . . . Mr.
You can't teach an old dog . . . math.
If you lie down with dogs, you . . . will stink in the morning.
Love all, trust . . . me.
The pen is mightier than . . . the pigs.
An idle mind is . . . the best way to relax.
Where there is smoke, there is . . . pollution.
Happy is the bride who . . . gets all the presents.
A penny saved is . . . not much.
Two is company, three is . . . The Musketeers.
None are so blind as . . . Helen Keller.
Children should be seen and not . . . spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed . . . get new batteries.
You get out of something what you . . . see pictured on the box.
When the blind lead the blind . . . get out of the way.
There is no fool like . . . Aunt Edie.
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Circumcision
This little 7 year old boy was sitting at his desk in school and he was squirming and squirming around. Finally the teacher asks him what is wrong.
He tells her he is sore because he just got circumsised yesterday.
She tells him to go and see the principal. He goes to the principal and comes back 5 minutes later with his penis hanging out of his fly.
The teacher is outraged and asked him the meaning of this type of behaviour.
He says "The principal asked me to see if I could stick it out until the end of the school day"!!!!!
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Circumcision
This little 7 year old boy was sitting at his desk in school and he was squirming and squirming around. Finally the teacher asks him what is wrong.
He tells her he is sore because he just got circumsised yesterday.
She tells him to go and see the principal. He goes to the principal and comes back 5 minutes later with his penis hanging out of his fly.
The teacher is outraged and asked him the meaning of this type of behaviour.
He says "The principal asked me to see if I could stick it out until the end of the school day"!!!!!
(Added: Mon Feb 03 2003 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Climb the Walls
The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."
The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear," she asked.
The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."
(Added: Sun Feb 02 2003 Hits: 2 Rating: 3.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Cornflakes
Little Timmy and Little Bobby go to visit their grandmother in the country. They've been brought up in a fairly ill-disciplined household and are prone to swear quite a bit. Anyway after about a solid week of cursing and swearing their grandmother can't take it anymore and goes to see her friend Maude and get some advice. "What can I do about them swearing?" says the grandmother, "As far as I'm concerned there is only really one thing you can do," says Maude, "next time they swear just hit 'em good and hard and they won't do it again." "I can't do that!" says grandma, shocked at the thought, "they're my grandchildren!" "Look," says Maude, "It'll teach 'em a good lesson mark my words." Anyway Grandma leaves and goes home. The next morning Timmy and Bobby go downstairs to have breakfast. Grandma says to Bobby, "And what would you like for breakfast?" To which Bobby replies," Give me some of them Fucking cornflakes!" Grandma lashes out with this big swing and knocks Bobby clean out of his chair. He sits on the ground looking shocked at his grandma. Next Grandma turns to Timmy," and what would you like for breakfast little Timmy?" Timmy looks at his brother and then back to his grandmother and says, "I don't know but you can bet your sweet arse it won't be fucking cornflakes!!"
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Country Name
The kindergarten teacher was showing her class an encyclopedia page picturing several national flags. She pointed to the American flag and asked, "What flag is this?"
A little girl called out, "That's the flag of our country."
"Very good," the teacher said. "And what is the name of our country?"
'Tis of thee," the girl said confidently.
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Creative Medical Diagnosis
Teacher: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
Suzie: Don't bite any!
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Cyanide Watermelons
There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.
He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day, the kids show up and they saw the sign which read: "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."
The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons are missing, but the sign next to his read: "Now there are two!"
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Dad's Fat!!
This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him."
His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh... well...ah....well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."
And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!"
His mom says, "Why?!?"
And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"
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Dad's Fat!!
This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him."
His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh... well...ah....well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."
And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!"
His mom says, "Why?!?"
And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"
(Added: Mon Feb 03 2003 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Day at the Beach
A woman was at the beach with her children when her four-year-old son ran up, grabbed her hand and led her to the shore where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the boy asked. "He died and went to heaven," she replied. The boy thought for a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?"
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Dead Cat Test
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat.
She asked if it was dead or alive.
"Dead," she was informed.
"How do you know?", she asked.
"Because I pissed in his ear and it didn't move," said the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?!?", the teacher squealed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'pssst' and he didn't move."
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Deep Dark Secrets
At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth" even when you don't know anything.
The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug!"
(Added: Mon Feb 03 2003 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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