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"Gray Hair"
A glimpse into our future...
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"Gray Hair"
A senior citizen decided to visit the social security office to sign up for his benefits. Upon his arrival the clerk asked for proof of his age. When he reached for his wallet the embarrassed man realized he had left it home. After explaining his problem to the clerk, she replied, "Don't worry, just open your shirt, and if your chest hair is gray you will qualify." The senior citizen opened up his shirt and was soon signed up for his benefits.
Upon arriving home, he related the story to his wife. She looked at him, smiled and said, "Too bad you didn't drop your pants. You would have qualified for disability too!"
(Added: Sun Feb 02 2003 Hits: 7 Rating: 4.00 Votes: 2) Rate It
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Bottled Water
A man and a woman are in a supermarket. They are standing in front of the water aisle.
The man wonders aloud, "Who would buy all this expensive Evian water anyway?"
The woman says, "Evian... It's naive spelled backwards."
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Breaking Up
Chuck had seen it coming for a time now, and Laura finally decided to break up with him.
"I'm sorry Chuck, but you just don't have a good sense of humor," Laura said one day, "You're dry, boring and you never seem to say anything funny."
Chuck who didn't feel she was correct in the least, simply smiled and said, "I'm sorry you feel that way, Laura. I'm sure you'll make some guy very happy some day," she smiled and blushed a little, "then, he'll zip up his pants, leave $20 on the dresser, and forget to close the door on his way out."
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Cheapest Meat
Q. What is the cheapest meat?
A. Deer balls, there under a buck.
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Confusion
Q. What is the definition of confusion?
A. Two blind lesbians in a fish market.
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Dead Donkey
A Preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead donkey in the church yard. He called the police.
Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the Preacher to the health department.
The health department said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department.
The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.
Now the Preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the Preacher called him anyway.
The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant & rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me any way? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"
The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"
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Insult - Sister
May a weird customs inspector discover a secret compartment in your sister.
-- Johnny Carson
(Added: Sun Feb 02 2003 Hits: 6 Rating: 1.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Insult a Loser
A woman who is tired of having a guy hit on her says, "Look ... I'm sorry, but I'm just not your type. I'm not inflatable"
(Added: Sun Feb 02 2003 Hits: 4 Rating: 3.50 Votes: 2) Rate It
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Irish Queers
Q. What do you call two Irish Queers?
A. Michael "Fits" Patrick and Patrick "Fits" Michael.
(Added: Sun Feb 02 2003 Hits: 6 Rating: 4.50 Votes: 2) Rate It
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Look! Twins!
When I was born, the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look ... twins!"
--- Rodney Dangerfield
(Added: Sun Feb 02 2003 Hits: 5 Rating: 2.33 Votes: 3) Rate It
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Monica Lewinsky's Surgery
Monica Lewinsky went in to a liposuction clinic to have her love handles removed . . .
they removed her ears.
(Added: Sun Feb 02 2003 Hits: 7 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Peace on You
(Must be read with and Italian accent) One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch. Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you". I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy.
(Added: Sun Feb 02 2003 Hits: 6 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 2) Rate It
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Prostitute with No Legs
Q: What do you call a prostitute with no legs?
A: Cash and Carry
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Puberty Insult
Approach a man you dislike who has no body hair and say, "Hey, have you had a puberty vaccination?"
(Added: Sun Feb 02 2003 Hits: 6 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Rising to the Occasion
A bunch of girls had become upset at an anthropology professor who had a knack of offending women. They decided the next time he did something offensive, they would all stand up and walk out of his class. Sure enough, at the very next class meeting while discussing a tribe of African natives. The professor leered and said, "You'll be interested to know the average tribal warrior there has a cock twelve inches long."
The girls all rose in a large mass and headed for the door. The prof sneered and said, "What's your hurry, girls? The next flight to there isn't until Saturday!"
(Added: Sun Feb 02 2003 Hits: 7 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Send It To The City
A Tax Official has come to a rural synagogue for an inspection.
The rabbi is accompanying him. "So rabbi, tell me, please, after you have distributed all your unleavened bread, what do you do with the crumbs?"
"Why, we gather them carefully and send them to the city and then they make bread of them again and send it to us."
"Ah. So what about candles after they are burnt? What do you do with the ends?"
"We send them to the city as well, and they make new candles from them and send them to us."
"And what about circumcision? What do you do with those leftover pieces?"
The rabbi, wearily, replies, "We send them to the city as well."
"To the city!? And what do they send to you?"
"Today they have sent you to us."
(Added: Sun Feb 02 2003 Hits: 7 Rating: 4.50 Votes: 2) Rate It
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Shopping
A woman goes to buy a chicken and, after rejecting several, she settles on one and begins to examine it carefully. First, she lifts a wing and smells underneath. Then she lifts the other wing and smells. Then she spreads apart the chicken's legs and smells again. "Mister," she says to the butcher, "this chicken is no good. I want to see another one." The butcher is not amused. "Lady," he replies, "can you pass a test like that?"
(Added: Sun Feb 02 2003 Hits: 7 Rating: 2.50 Votes: 2) Rate It
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The Three Dwarfs
One day three midgets were sitting around the table drinking tea and having crumpets.
The first midget says to the other two, "You know, I think I have the smallest hands in the world." He continues, "and I think I should go down the Guiness Book or World Records and try to get in the book!"
The second midget replies with, "You know, now that you mention it, I probably have the smallest feet in the world. I think I'll go with you and try to get into the record book, too!"
The third midget joins in with, "I'm going too because I think I have the smallest penis in the world. Let's go!"
So the midgets set off to the offices of the Guiness Book of World Records.
When they arrive, the first midget is called in and is gone for awile. Finally he comes out very excited. "I made it! They measured my hands, and sure enough they are the smallest in the world. I'm in the record book!!"
The second midget is called in, and soon he comes out very excited. "I made it too! They measured my feet and sure enough, they are the smallest in the world. I'm in the record book, too!!"
The third midget goes in, is gone a very long time, so long that his friends became concerned. Finally he appears with a rather forlorn look on his face.
"What's the matter?", his friends asked.
The third midget responds with "Who the hell is Bill Clinton?!?!!"
Note to this joke: You can insert anyone's (male) name in place of Bill Clinton. Try it on your best friend!!!!!!!
(Added: Sun Feb 02 2003 Hits: 5 Rating: 4.50 Votes: 2) Rate It
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Toilet Paper
Whats dumb? Instructions on toilet paper.
Whats dumber than that? reading them.
Whats even dumber? Reading them and learning something.
Dumbest of all? Reading them and having to correct something you've been doing wrong.
(Added: Sun Feb 02 2003 Hits: 4 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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What Not To Say in Kansas
The sheriff of the small Kansas town pulled over a Porsche that was doing 75 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone.
The man behind the wheel, a Chicago commodities trader, was steaming. When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded, "I can't believe you stopped me. This town must be the asshole of the world!"
The magistrate looked at him and replied, "And you must be what's passing through."
(Added: Sun Feb 02 2003 Hits: 5 Rating: 4.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Wife is Leaving for Vegas
A wife comes home and says to her husband, "I am moving to Las Vegas - I hear you can get $400 for sex". The husband runs to the bedroom, starts packing his bags and says "I'm coming along to see this!"
"Why?" asks the wife, "Why would you come to Las Vegas with me?"
Husband replies, "Because I've gotta see you live on $800 a year!"
(Added: Sun Feb 02 2003 Hits: 8 Rating: 4.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Wonder Panties
She must have the new wonder panties because it's a wonder how she got all that ass in them.
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Yo Momma
Yo momma so fat, it takes her two trips to haul ass.
(Added: Sun Feb 02 2003 Hits: 7 Rating: 1.50 Votes: 2) Rate It
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You Are So Cheap - Door Bell
You are so cheap . . .
When someone rang your doorbell, your kids had to yell, "ding dong!"
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You Are So Poor - Kicking a Can
You are so poor . . .
When you were kicking a can, your friend came by and asked what you were doing. You said you were moving!
(Added: Sun Feb 02 2003 Hits: 7 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 2) Rate It
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