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New Policy on Twelve Days...
New Policy on Twelve Days
Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the ''Twelve Days of Christmas'' subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance
Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated
The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French
The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps
Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line
Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days
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No known species
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 1 in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle certain children due to various religious beliefs, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that ''flying reindeer'' (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - - - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporize
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Nude Sunbather
Joan, who was rather well-proportioned, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.
She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."
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Once there was a man who
Once there was a man who wanted a pet. So he went to the pet shop to buy a bird that could sing. the owner siad ''this is an Amazon singing bird. If you put it over water it will sing a song about the sea. If you put it over the train tracks it will sing a song about working on rail road. But never put it over fire.'' So he took it to the lake and put over the water. The bird started to sing a pirates life. ''UHHHH I hate this song. so he took the bird from over the water. He did the same thing with the tracks the bird sung I've been working on the railroads.''UHHHHHH I hate this song too. hmmmm I wonder what would happen if I put him over fire. so he lit a match and the bird sung Chestnuts Roasting over an open fire.
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Other ways to use
Other ways to use the Thanksgiving turkey...
As a blunt object to fend off your pesky cousins with.
As a projectile to throw at the TV after Kathie Lee says, ''Aren't they a wonderful band!'' for the 25th time.
As a hood ornament.
As a disguise so your ugly Aunt Beatrice can't kiss you and say, ''How much you've grown!''
As a football for the after-meal game.
One word... bowling!
As yet another object to drop from the top of the dorm to test the range of the splatter upon impact.
As a gift/bribe for a professor.
As a Christmas gift (avoid the holiday crowds this way!)
As a doorstop to keep your relatives out.
Makes a great doggie chew toy.
Fill it with whip cream - watch the fun.
An unexplored cavern for the new Barbie.
A visual aid to explain to children where babies come from.
Bury in the yard for future midnight snacks.
If you're flying home, take the carcass as a carry-on. See what it looks like in the X-ray machine. Better yet, put it in a pet carrier and asked the flight attendant for some chicken feed.
Wear as a helmet, declaring, ''I'm TURKEYMAN!''
Before serving, paste feathers on the poor naked creature.
Secretly replace with Folgers turkey crystals.
Place a speaker inside the bird, and from another room, amaze your guests with this talking foul!
Throw the turkey out the window yelling, ''You're FREE! Fly! FLY!''
Two words: Turkey puppet.
Toss the carcass into a turkey farm to intimidate next year's stock.
Attach to a fishing pole, slowly drive around the neighborhood in the back of a pickup and see how many dogs follow you.
From a concealed location, toss in front of a passing car. When they stop, run out screaming that they hit your dog!
As in an old murder mystery, question all the dinner guests in an attempt to discover who killed the guest of honor.
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Roles in the Christmas Play
Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role. Finally the 10 year old said to her younger sister, "Well you just ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel."
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Santa Claus
Santa Claus is Wielding a Gun
(to the tune of ''Santa Claus Is Coming to Town'')
Oh, you better watch out
You better not pry
You better stay back
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is wielding a gun
He's making a list
And checking it twice
Gonna find out who
He's gonna ice
Santa Claus is wielding a gun
Don't give him any trouble
He'll blow you right away
Don't give him any cause to shoot
Or you'll make his Christmas Day
Oh, you better believe
He's packing a rod
No coal in your stocking
Just lead in your bod
Santa Claus is wielding a gun
He doesn't want cookies
Or none of that crud
He doesn't want milk
What he wants is your blood
Santa Claus is wielding a gun
(Music Bridge, with automatic arms fire)
He doesn't trust nobody
Shot all his reindeer dead
Thought Dancer was a sissy
And thought Rudoulph was a red
Oh, you better watch out
You better not pry
You better stay back
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is wielding a gun
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Santa Cluase was
Santa Cluase was arrested yesterday because he blew-up a chlidren's hospital. HE said he did it because he was tired of them damn kids asking for a poney and a bike.Why cant they just ask for a barbie or a toy car like every other kid,and when i get to there place there is no food for me there is a empty plate with crumbs on it and an empty glass with a drop of milk.So I get mad.
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Santa on Trial
Santa on Trial
You are accused, Mr. Santa Claus, alias Saint Nick, alias Kris Kringle, age unknown, of no fixed abode, with the following charges:
Failing to apply for landed immigrant status from Finland to the North Pole
Crossing the Canadian-USA border illegally on December 25 of each year as far back as records go
Failing to operate a union toy shop, and not paying your elves and dwarfs the minimum wage, provide paid vacations and wages at time and a half for more than 40 hour work weeks, or meeting the standards of the Worker's Compensation Boards Failing to transmit unemployment insurance payments, income tax deductions and Canada Pension payments to the proper authorities on behalf of your employees
You are accused of the illegal entry of millions of Canadian homes on December 25 of each year
Violating the Federal Anti-Combines Investigation Act by operating a tight monopoly
Failing to file a flight plan for your travels
Failing to equip your vehicle with seat belts or properly fitting your reindeer with emission control devises Not declaring as taxable income the cookies and milk left for you by millions each year
Illegally competing with the Canadian Post Office, and possible breaking drug laws by administering an unauthorized drug to Rudolph to make his nose light up
And finally, parking in a no parking zone, namely rooftops, and having no record of either a driver's or pilot's licence ever being issued to a Mister Claus in any of the ten provinces and two territories.
Faced with all these accusations and understanding their severity, have you any statement to make before I . . . wish you a . . Merry Christmas, a Happy New Year and dismiss these charges?
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Season's Greetings!
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share, and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press.
I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.
As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.
The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appears to be in order.
The six geese-a-laying constitute a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
Ten lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the compensation committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals, and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Action is pending regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorneys' association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing").
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
Happy Holidays!
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SEASON'S GREETINGS!
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share, and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press.
I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.
As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.
The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appears to be in order.
The six geese-a-laying constitute a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
Ten lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the compensation committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals, and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Action is pending regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorneys' association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing").
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
Happy Holidays!
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Sherlock Holmes and
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes said Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, Some ------- has stolen our tent."
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Signs You Bought
Signs You Bought a Bad Christmas Tree
Two feet tall, forty feet wide
Salesman's opening line: ''You're not a cop, are you?''
It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers
While you sleep, it gets liquored up and takes the family caravan for a joy ride.
Each branch has ''Duraflame'' printed on it.
Keeps heckling your lame top ten list
It's very small and says ''air freshener'' on it.
Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours.
Some guy named Mujibur puts a crappy Statue of Liberty on top of it
Constantly bragging about its ''trunk size''
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Star Trek Carols
Star Trek Carols
Jean-Luc Picard (to the tune of ''Let It Snow'')
Oh, the vacuum outside is endless,
Unforgiving, cold, and friendless,
But still we must boldly go--
Make it so, make it so, make it so!
William Riker: (to the tune of ''Deck the Halls'')
Here's a vexing Christmas riddle:
(Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la la)
Why must I play second fiddle?
(Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la la)
How can I impress Deanna
(Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la la la)
When I'm number two banana?
(Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la la)
Wesley Crusher: (to the tune of ''God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen'')
I'm at Starfleet Academy,
And I'd just like to say
I miss the opportunity
To weekly save the day--
To make things worse, I have to be
In some dumb Christmas play!
Yes, I'm bright, though I'm just a teenaged boy,
Only a boy,
And the Enterprise was my most favourite toy!
Data: (to the tune of ''Jingle Bells'')
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle all the way!
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh--
or so I am reliably informed lacking a subjective
and intuitively perceived referent for the term ''fun,''
I am able only to report the phenomenon as experienced
by others, whose individual perceptions somewhat colour the--
yes, sir.
Worf: (to be to the tune of ''White Christmas'')
I'm dreaming of a dead Pakled,
Just like the one in Rec Deck Eight.
They all think they've hidden,
But this one didn't,
And I'm using him as bait.
I'm dreaming of a dead Pakled--
Their mental skills are rather lame.
May your foes die sonless, in shame--
And I hope you're wishing me the same!
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Stuffing...
Stuffing...
He laid her on the table
So white clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast
And then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyus cry.
The hole was wide...he looked inside
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms....
And then he stuffed the turkey.
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Thanksgiving Forecast...
Thanksgiving Forecast:
Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F.The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.
During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.
A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway.During the evening, the turkey will dimish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.
Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established.Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day.We expect a warming trend where soup develops.By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.
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Thanksgiving to do list
Thanksgiving to do list from Martha Stewart...
Blanch the carcass from your Thanksgiving turkey, taking care to remove all meat, cartilage and sinew.Dry carcass thoroughly. Spray paint the carcass gold, turn it upside down, and use it as a sleigh to hold holiday greeting cards.
Outfit neighborhood rats with tiny antlers and elf uniforms.
Deflate your car tires and re-fill them with Glade Holiday Scented air.This way, when your tires get shot out or slashed at the mall, they will release a fresh, cheery scent.
Organize your spice rack by genus and phylum.
When you receive your new phone book, use the old one as a personal address book by simply crossing out the names and addresses of people whom you don't know.
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The Christmas Bike
A little boy just got a brand new bike for Christmas and was riding down it down the street. He stopped at a red light next to a Police Officer on a horse.
The Police Officer asked the boy "Did Santa bring you that new bike?" the boy replied "Yes!"
"It looks like Santa forgot to put reflextors on the back of your bike" said the Police Officer, "The next time I see you there better be reflextors on your bike!" said the Police Officer.
The little boy replied "Yes Sir".
"Officer, can I ask you a question?" said the little boy.
"Yes", said the Officer.
"Did Santa bring you that horse?" asked the boy.
"Yes he did!" said the officer.
"Oh, if I ever get a horse I'm going to ask Santa to put the dick under the horse instead of on top!!!!" said the boy.
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The Eight Days of Hanukkah
The Eight Days of Hanukkah
On the first night of Hanukkah my true love gave to me
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the second night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the third night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the fourth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
4 potato latkes
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the fifth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
5 bowls of chicken soup
4 potato latkes
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the sixth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
6 pickled herrings
5 bowls of chicken soup
4 potato latkes
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the seventh night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
7 noodle kugels
6 pickled herrings
5 bowls of chicken soup
4 potato latkes
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the eighth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
8 Alka- Seltzer
7 noodle kugels
6 pickled herrings
5 bowls of chicken soup
4 potato latkes
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
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The Night Before Chanukah...
The Night Before Chanukah
'Twas the night before Chanukah, boichiks and maidels
Not a sound could be heard, not even the dreidels
The menorah was set by the chimney alight
In the kitchen, the Bubbie was hopping a bite
Salami, Pastrami, a glaisele tay
And zoyere pickles mit bagels-- Oy vay!
Gezint and geschmock the kinderlach felt
While dreaming of taiglach and Chanukah gelt
The alarm clock was sitting, a kloppin' and tickin'
And Bubbie was carving a shtickele chicken
A tummel arose, like the wildest k'duchas
Santa had fallen right on his tuchas!
I put on my slippers, ains, tzvay, drei
While Bubbie was eating herring on rye
I grabbed for my bathrobe and buttoned my gottkes
And Bubbie was just devouring the latkes
To the window I ran, and to my surprise
A little red yarmulka greeted my eyes.
When he got to the door and saw the menorah
''Yiddishe kinder,'' he cried, ''Kenahorah!''
I thought I was in a Goyishe hoise!
As long as I'm here, I'll leave a few toys.''
''Come into the kitchen, I'll get you a dish
Mit a gupel, a leffel, and a shtickele fish.''
With smacks of delight he started his fressen
Chopped liver, knaidlach, and kreplach gegessen
Along with his meal he had a few schnapps
When it came to eating, this boy sure was tops
He asked for some knishes with pepper and salt
But they were so hot he yelled out ''Gevalt!''
He loosened his hoysen and ran from the tish
''Your koshereh meals are simply delish!''
As he went through the door he said ''See y'all later
I'll be back next Pesach in time for the seder!''
So, hutzmir and zeitzmir and ''Bleibtz mir gezint''
he called out cheerily into the wind.
More rapid than eagles, his prancers they came
As he whistled and shouted and called them by name
''Come, Izzie, now Moishe, now Yossel and Sammy!
On Oyving, and Maxie, and Hymie and Manny!''
He gave a geshrai, as he drove out of sight
''A gut yontiff to all, and to all a good night!''
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The top ten reasons
The top ten reasons college students are looking forward to Thanksgiving break...
10. You'll know that your turkey is a Butterball rather than a Grade F yet semi-edible fur ball
9. Your mother will not be serving your mashed potatoes and stuffing with an ice cream scooper
8. Pumpkin pie is a great alternative to green jello.
7. After your eighth glass of cider, your emergency dash to the bathroom will not be delayed by having to line the seat with toilet paper.
6. Clean underwear, comfortable bed, access to a car, bedroom larger than a 12x14 cell... OK, even if it is for only four days.
5. To eat your meals the only trek you'll have to make is from the couch to the kitchen, rather than the dorm to the dining hall...in below freezing weather.
4. Instead of listening to ''when I first started teaching here...'' you can be entertained by ''when your mother was your age...'' and ''during the Depression we weren't lucky enough to have brussels sprouts. Hell, all we could afford was the sprout!''
3. You can eat your corn steamed with butter rather than popped in your microwave.
2. You'll know the hair in the shower drain is your own.
And the number one reason college students are looking forward to Thanksgiving...
1. You won't be eating your Thanksgiving meal off a tray!
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The Twelve Days
The Twelve Days After Christmas
The first day after Christmas
My true love and I had a fight
And so I chopped the pear tree down
And burnt it, just for spite
Then with a single cartridge
I shot that blasted partridge
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.
The second day after Christmas
I pulled on the old rubber gloves
And very gently wrung the necks
Of both the turtle doves
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.
On the third day after Christmas
My mother caught the croup
I had to use the three French hens
To make some chicken soup [peop100078_x51.WMF (46812 bytes)]
The four calling birds were a big mistake
For their language was obscene
The five golden rings were completely fake
and turned my fingers green.
The sixth day after Christmas
The six laying geese wouldn't lay
So I sent the whole darn gaggle to the A.S.P.C.A.
On the seventh day, what a mess I found
The seven swans-a-swimming all had drowned
(I think there's a ''my true love gave to me'' in here somewhere)
The eighth day after Christmas
Before they could suspect
I bundled up the
Eight maids-a-milking
Nine ladies dancing
Ten lords-a-leaping
Eleven pipers piping
Twelve drummers drumming - well, actually I kept one of the
drummers -
And sent them back collect
I wrote my true love
''We are through, love!''
And I said in so many words
''Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the
(Soprani) Birds!''
(Everyone else) Four calling birds,
Three french hens,
Two turtle doves
And a partridge in a pear tree!''
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The Week After Christmas
'Twas the week after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"
So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
"Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
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The Week After Christmas
'Twas the week after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"
So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
"Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
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The Week Before Christmas...
The Week Before Christmas
'Twas the week before Christmas and all through the school
Not a pupil was silent, no matter what rule.
The children were busy with paper and paste
The mess that they made with it couldn't be faced.
The teacher half frantic and almost in tears,
Had just settled down to work with her dears,
When out in the hall there arose such a clatter
up sprang the kids to see what was the matter!
Away to the door they all flew like a flash
The one who was leading went down with a crash.
Then what to their wondering eyes did appear
But a green Christmas tree! (To decorate I fear!)
When the teacher saw this, she almost grew sick.
She knew in a moment it must be Old Nick!
She ran to the door (all her efforts were vain)
But she shouted, and stamped, and she called them by name
''Now Tommy! Now Sandy, Now Judy and Harry!
Stop Billy! Stop Robert! Stop Donny and Sherry!
Now get to your places get away from the hall
Now get away! Get away! Get away all!
As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly
The pupils, pell mell, started scurrying by.
They ran to the blackboard and skipped down the aisle
Their faces were shining and each had a smile.
First came a basket of popcorn to string
-Then came the Christmas tree (menacing thing).
As the tree was brought in there arose a great shout
The pupils were merrily romping about.
The state they were in could lead to a riot
The teacher was sure, if allowed, they would try it.
Her nerves how they jangled! Her temples were throbbing!
The rush of her breath sounded almost like sobbing!
The lines of her face were as fixed as a mask
It was plain that she didn't feel up to her task.
The look in her eye would have tamed a wild steer,
But the children ignored it they did every year.
A tear from her eye and a shake of her head
Soon led me to think that she wished she were dead.
She spoke not a word but went straight to her work,
Strung all the popcorn which broke with a jerk.
But at last it was finished and placed on the tree
Then came the bell and the children were free.
Their shrill little voices soon faded away
And peace was restored at the end of the day.
As she looked at the Christmas tree glistening and tall,
She smiled as she whispered, Merry Christmas to all!
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