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Blind Folx
I really don't know, but I wonder:
How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
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Blind Folx
I really don't know, but I wonder:
How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
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Boy or Girl?
Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"
"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.
"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.
"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.
"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling. "I'll climb into your crib and find out."
He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face.
"You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.
"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"
"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink booties and I've got blue ones."
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Breaking Up
Men often find blowing off a woman the most difficult part of the dating process. The closest they ever come to telling a woman it's over is to look her straight in the eye and say, "I'll call you next week." But there is now a great way to blow a woman off. It's safe, it's affordable and the best thing is the female has no opportunity to throw things at you. It's at your fingertips right now: E-mail.
That's how all the happening, 90's kind of guys are telling women they are not worthy. You'll feel like a real man knowing you have told her how you really feel from the safety of your keyboard. And you can delete her response without ever reading it. What could be more painless? Following is an email rejection letter:
Men can use it the next time they need to put their main squeeze on notice. The text of the letter follows:
Dear (her name),
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention to become the future Mrs. (your last name). As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available.
So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reasons you were disqualified from the competition: (Men will check those that apply)
_____ Your failure to reach for your purse in even a feigned attempt to pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic economics.
_____ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by the truckload" indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for the position.
_____ You failed the 20 question rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
_____ The only question you did ask was how much money I make.
_____ You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside after I opened the passenger side door for you.
_____ My breasts are bigger than yours.
_____ Your height is out of proportion with your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.
_____ Your repeated comments such as, "Is it still called a penis when it's this small?" were both uncalled for and thoughtless.
_____ The way you enthusiastically jumped on stage at the alternative bar and danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you are far too impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of commitment to heterosexuality.
_____ Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your ex-boyfriend to shack up with you again after he "beats that domestic abuse rap" shows compassion but makes it difficult to take you seriously.
_____ Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount importance to me, your suggestion that we invite the basketball team
into the bedroom so it would be "just like college" seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate.
_____ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.
Sincerely,
(Your name)
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Breasts
(o)(o) perfect breasts
( + )( + ) fake silicone breasts
(*)(*) high nipple breasts
(@)(@) big nipple breasts
oo a cups
{ O }{ O } d cups
(oYo) wonder bra breasts
( ^ )( ^ ) cold breasts
(o)(O) lopsided breasts
(Q)(O) pierced breasts
(p)(p) hanging tassels breasts
\o/\o/ Grandma's breasts
( - )( - ) flat against the shower door breasts
|o||o| android breasts
($)($) Jenny McCarthy's breasts
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Caveman History
Q: Why did cavemen drag their women back to the cave by the hair?
A: If they dragged them by the ankles, they would fill up with dirt!
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Chain
Q: If your wife comes out of the kitchen to give you a hard time what have you done wrong?
A: Made the chain too long.
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Change a Light Bulb
Q: How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 11, 10 to form a committee and 1 to get her boyfriend to do it..
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Changing Men and Women
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
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Changing the Oil
Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money Spent: $20.00 Oil Change $1.00 Coffee ---------------- $21.00 Total
Men:
1. Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left breast.
32. Clean up. Apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
40. Test drive car
41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
42. Car gets impounded.
43. Make bail. Get car from impound yard.
Money Spent: $50 parts $12 beer $75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match! $1000 Bail $200 Impound and towing fee --------------------------- $1337 Total
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Chauvinist Pig!
Q: What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig?
A: A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own.
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Chocolates
Q: Why are people like a box of chocolates?
A: Some have nuts and some don't!
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Choosing a Bra
A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size.
She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?"
The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner.
After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart.
Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?"
The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?"
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Christmas Shopping
Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.
Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. Bye-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.
Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.
Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.
Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.
Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.
Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.
Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. NAPA Auto Parts and Sear's Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")
Rule #11: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"
Rule #12: Tickets to a Red Wing/Lions/Pistons/Tigers game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.
Rule #13: Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain saw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.
Rule #14: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.
Rule #15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manilla rope. No one knows why.
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Committed Man?
Q: Where would you find a committed man?
A: In a mental hospital.
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Computers - He???
Reasons to believe computers are male:
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
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Computers - She???
Five reasons to believe computers are female:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
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Conversation with God
Man to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God to Man: "So you would love her."
"But God", Man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God replies: "So she would love you."
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Conversation with God
Man to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God to Man: "So you would love her."
"But God", Man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God replies: "So she would love you."
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Courses for Women
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You Do Not Need New Shoes Everyday
4. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
5. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game
6. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
7. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His
8. Valuation: Just Because It's Not Important to You . . .
9. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, Not the First
10. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
11. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging
12. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
13. Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share
14. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
15. Introduction to Parking
16. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space
17. Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor
18. Water retention: Fact or Fat
19. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
20. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption
21. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
22. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
23. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
24. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
25. Sex - It's For Married Couples Too
26. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
27. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
28. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
29. Ballet: For Women Only
30. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
31. Learning to Go in Public Rest rooms
32. Appreciating the Humor of the Three Stooges
33. "Do These Jeans Make My Butt Look Big?" - Why Men Lie
34. TV Remotes: For Men Only
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Cross the Road?
Q: Why did the woman cross the road?
A: That's not the point,what's she doing out of the kitchen?
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Definition of Modern Woman
She drives a Red Sport Car.
She has a hyphenated last name.
She thinks Cooking and Fucking are two cities in China.
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Definitions
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.
BUTT (but) n.
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.
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Do Women Talk to Much?
Sam was trying to show his wife that women talk much more than men. To prove his point he showed her a scholarly study that showed men, on average, use about l500 words per day as opposed to women, who use at least 3,000.
Gussie, his wife, pondered this for a little while and then thought of an answer. "Women", she said, "must use twice as many words as men, because they have to repeat every thing they say."
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Domination
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."
Said and done, the next time God looked the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here"
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