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The smart Irishman.
An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthily examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month."
Murphy, saddened and shocked by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints.
After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber.
There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventual approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end.
He told his friends "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.
After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?"
Murphy said, "I am dying from cancer son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone!"
(Added: Mon Feb 03 2003 Hits: 4 Rating: 3.00 Votes: 2) Rate It
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The Smuggler
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that - get off the bike!"
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.
He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years.
Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about.....
I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
(Added: Mon Feb 03 2003 Hits: 3 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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What am I?
There once were 2 baby animals: One is a duck and the other a skunk. As they were walking along with their parents, a car came speeding down the road. The baby skunk and duck watched in horror as their parents were run over by the car.
Now the 2 babies were orphans. They had to stay together and help each other. Soon enough they were curious and wanted to know what kind of animals they were. They asked each other to describe their looks and tell what they were.
The skunk went first and said..."Well, you have fluffy feathers, an orange bill, and you're white so you must be a duck!"
The duck was now happy because he knew what type of animal he was. It was the duck's turn to describe the skunk and tell him what he was.
The duck said... "Well you're not really black, and you're not really white, and you stink so you must be...(INSERT ETHNIC TERM HERE)!"
(Added: Mon Feb 03 2003 Hits: 3 Rating: 3.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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What costume?
A black couple we're invited to a Halloween party and were trying to decide what to dress up as.
The wife says, "how about Hanzel and Gretel?"
Nah...they were white, her husband replied.
Ok, how about Raggedy Ann and Andy?
No way! They're white too and have huge ugly freckles!
So the wife tells her husband to think of something since he always has a smart remark for her choices.
So he thinks a bit and then pops up - " I got it! ".
We'll go as Heshey Bars!
"Heshey bars?" replies his wife..."are you nuts!"
Exactly! One with nuts, and one without!
(Added: Mon Feb 03 2003 Hits: 3 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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What's for Dinner?
A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals.
The chief comes to them and says, "the bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword."
The chief gives him a sword, he says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.
The Englishman says, "a pistol for me, please."
The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says,
"God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "gimme a fork."
The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork.
The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible.
The chief is appalled, even for a cannibal.
He asks, "My God almighty, what are you doing?"
And the New Yorker replies, "So much for your canoe!"
(Added: Mon Feb 03 2003 Hits: 3 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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