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There were two kids
There were two kids (both african american) it was halloween night and the two kids the brother and the sister wanted to go out trick or treatting but to do so they had to put on a costume first they dressed up as batman and robbin so they went next door dressed up and their neighbor says so who are you two supposed to be and they reply'' batman and robin'' she says batman and robin are not black so they go home and dress as raggady Ann and Raggady Andy they do the same they go next door and knock the woman asks the same question and they reply Raggady Ann and Raggady Andy and the woman says but Raggady Ann and Raggady Andy are not black so they go home and they change once more but being frustrated by all the remarks the girl says oh I have an idea take off all your clothes so they do and go next door and knock they woman asttonished opens the door and says oh my! and now what do you say you are ? the kids reply two hershey bars, one with nuts and one without!
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 3 Rating: 3.33 Votes: 3) Rate It
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This truck driver
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying ''NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT OWN RISK!'' He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said.
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, ''What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season.''
''Well, sure,'' said the patrolman, ''But you can't bait 'em.''
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Three women were in a bar
Three women were in a bar talking about their husbands
Three women were in a bar talking about their husbands and how they made love. The first woman said, "My husband is a psychologist, and before we make love, he brings me flowers and candy. I like that." The second woman proclaimed, "My husband is a mechanic, he makes love a little rough, but really tunes my engine; I like that!" The third woman replied, "Well my husband works for Microsoft and all he does is sit on the edge of the bed and tell me how good it's going to be, when I finally get it..."
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Too much of the 90's!
Signs you've had too much of the 90's!
You try to enter your password on the microwave.
You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted.
You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back "What's for dinner?"
You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your online buddies via a Web page.
The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is totally foreign to you.
You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
And finally...
You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person!
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Top 15 Signs That
Top 15 Signs That You've Had Too Much Of the 90's
15. You try to enter your password on the microwave
14. You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
13. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
12. You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he e-mails you back ''What's for dinner?''
11. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
10. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
9. Your daughter just bought on CD, all the records your college roommate used to play that you most despised.
8. Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen.
7. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date. And now sells for half the price you paid.
6. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
5. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of you car.
4. Your reason for not staying in touch with your family is that they do not have e-mail address.
3. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
2. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.
And the Number 1 sign that your had too much of the 90's....
1. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
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Top10 Reasons E-Mail
Top10 Reasons E-Mail is Like a Penis:
10. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.
9. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
8. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
7. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call "E-mail Envy."
6. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
5. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.
4. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
2. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.
And the number one reason "Why e-mail is like a penis."
1. If you play with it too much, you'll go blind!
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Two programmers see
Two programmers were walking along the street. They saw a beautiful blonde not far away and one of them said, "Too bad that girls have no standard interface."
"They have," replied the other programmer, "but there is no standard way to get to it."
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Virus Warning
If you receive an email entitled "Bad times," delete it immediately. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only 900 numbers.
This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink ALL your beer. FOR GOD'S SAKE MAN, ARE YOU LISTENING?!!!!!
It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all the while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye. It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings that grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.
If the "Bad times" message is opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows; it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.
*WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN*
NB And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm, shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite onto the person nearest you.
Send to everyone.
(In case you are a blonde, this is a joke.)
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WARNING: New Virus Alert!
*** VIRUS ALERT ***
If you receive an email entitled "Fighting Canaries," delete it immediately. Do not open it! It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.
It demagnetises the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.
It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.
It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.
It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-law's number.
This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
It will drink all your beer.
It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.
Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.
It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.
It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.
It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change theinterpretations of key sentences.
If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows95 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.
It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.
It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.
It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles.
It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
These are just a few signs of infection...
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 3 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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What if Operating Systems were
What if Operating Systems were Airlines?
UNIX Airways
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.
Air DOS
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides; then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. They then push again, jump on again, and so on...
Mac Airlines
All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.
Windows Air
The airport terminal is pretty and colourful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.
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What if Operating Systems Were Airlines
UNIX Airways
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport.They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.
Air DOS
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides; then they jump on and letthe plane coast until it hits the ground again. They then push again, jumpon again, and so on...
Mac Airlines
All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look andact exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you aregently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.
Windows Air
The airport terminal is pretty and colourful, with friendly stewards, easybaggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutesin the air the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.
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What's the difference between
What's the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
A: Mechanical engineers build weapons, Civil engineers build targets
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Why E-Mail is like the Penis
Some folks have it, some don't.
Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.
Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
Many of those who don't have it would like to try it (e-mail envy).
It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
In the past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.
If you don't apply the appropriate measures, it can spread viruses.
If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in a whole lot of trouble.
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Win 95 & 98 -- La Differance
Q: What is the difference between Windows 95 and Windows 98?
A: 3 years
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Windows 2000
The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:
1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
2. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
3. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
4. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
5. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
6. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
7. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
8. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN"
9. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
10. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
11. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
12. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
13. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
14. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
15. User Error: Replace user.
16. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
17. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.
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Windows 2000 Errors
The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:
1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6. Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
10.This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
11.To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
12.BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13.COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
14.CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15.File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16.Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17.Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18.Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19.WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
20.User Error: Replace user.
21.Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
22.Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
23.If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
24.Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.
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Windows 2000 Errors!
The following are new Error Messages are planned for Windows 2000:
1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4) Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9) Windows message: "You have just made a type mismatch! Shall I format your brain?"
10) This is a message from God: "Rebooting the universe, please log off."
11) Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13) COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup and press any key.
14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16) Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17) Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
1 Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19) WinErr 547: LPT1 not found... Use backup... PENCIL & PAPER.
20) User Error: Replace user.
21) Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "OS/2 found: Remove it? (Y/Y)"
22) Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic.
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Windows 98
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Glasgow edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Glasgow. If you have one of the Glasgow editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The Glasgow edition may be recognised by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDAES 98 with a background picture of a Whisky bottle superimposed on a Clydebank flag. It is shipped with a "Bells" screen saver.
Also note:
The Recycle Bin is labelled Bog
Dialup Networking is called Ma Mates
Control Panel is known as How Tae Fuck Aboot Wi The Settins
Hard Drive is referred to as Big Disk
Floppies are Them Wee Plastic Fuckers.
And instead of an error message, you get a windae covered with an empty Whisky bottle.
Other features:
OK = its aww-right
cancel = fuck off
reset = whit yoo aw aboot
yes = aye
no = nay fuckin' chance
find = get it yer fuckin' sel'
go to = orr therr
help = ah cannae dae it
stop = gie's fuckin peace
start = fuckin' move
settings = settins
programs = stuff at does stuff
documents = ma shit
Also note that Windaes 98 does not recognise capital letters or punctuation marks.
Some programs that are exclusive to WINDAES 98:
tiperiter = a word processor
cullerin book = a graphics program
addin mershene = calculator
scratch paper = notepad (usually unused)
sounds = CD player
porn = Microsoft Internet Explorer
pikchers = a graphics viewer
We regret any inconvenience it may have cause if you received a copy of the Glasgow edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.
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Windows 98 Recall
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the West Virginia edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside West Virginia. If you have one of the West Virginia editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The West Virginia edtion may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of General Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver. Also note:
The Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse
My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption
Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys
Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard
Hard Drive is referred to as Four Wheel Drive
Floppies are them little ole plastic disc thangs.
And instead of an error message, you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.
Other features:
OK = ats aww-right
cancel = hail no
reset = awa shoot
yes D shore
no = naaaaa
find = hunt-fer it
go to = over yonder
help = hep me out here
stop = ternit off
start = crank it up
settings = sittins
programs = stuff at does stuff
documents = stuff I done done
Also note that winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.
Some programs that are exclusive to WINDERS 98:
tiperiter = a word processor
colering book = a graphics program
addin mershene = calculator
scratch paper = notepad
jupe-box = CD player
inner-net = microsoft explorer
pichers = a graphics viewer
IRS = M/S accounting software
IRS2 = M/S accounting sofware with hidden files
coon dog = American Kennel Club records
fishin = Bass Anglers Sportsman Society records
NRA = National Rifle Association
shot gun = Remington arms price list
riffel = Winchester price list
pisstel = Smith and Wesson price list
truck = Ford and Chevrolet dealers in Kentucky by zip code
house = nearest mobile home repair service by zip code
car = same as truck
cuzzins = family history (usuall a 3 meg file)
tax records = usually an empty file
shells ammunition inventory (another 3 meg file)
bud = list of Budweiser sellers by zip code
racin = NASCAR racing schedule includes a list of tv stations that carry the races car n truck parts = nearest junk yard by zip code
doc = vetrinarians by zip code
We regret any inconvenience it may have cause if you received a copy of the West Virginia edition. You may return it to Micrsosoft for a replacement version
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WordPerfect
This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say the helpdesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause". Actual dialogue of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee:
"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away"
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"....... Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
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Write in C (Parody of "Let it Be")
Write in C (Parody of "Let it Be")
When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
"Write in C."
As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
"Write in C."
Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
COBOL's dead and buried,
Write in C.
I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.
If you've just spent nearly 30 hours,
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, yeah, Write in C.
BASIC's not the answer.
Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
Pascal won't quite cut it.
Write in C.
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Y0K Problem
If you think you have problems, consider the problems of Plutonius Maximus
Translation from Latin 21 Scroll
Dear Cassias
Are you working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left. I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way round. Having been working happily downwards for ever, now we have to start thinking upwards.. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left us to sort it out at the last minute.
I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He could see why Brutus turned nasty. He called in Consultus, but he simply said that continuing downward using minus BC won't work, and as usual charged a fortune for doing nothing useful.
Surely we won't have to throw out all our hardware and start again? Machard will make yet another fortune out of this I suppose. The money lenders are paranoid of course! I have been told that usery rates will invert and they will have to pay their clients to take out loans! It's an ill wind.
As for myself, I just can't see the sand in the hourglass flowing upwards. We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who are working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all over. I have heard that there are plans to stable all horses at midnight as there are fears that they will stop and try to run backward's, causing immense damage to chariots and possible loss of life.
Some say the World will end at the moment of transition. Anyway, we are still continuing to work on the blasted Y0K problem. I will send you a parchment if anything further develops. If you should have any bright ideas, please let me know.
Plutonius Maximus
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Y1K Bug
THE Y1K CRISIS
Canterbury, England. A.D. 999.
An atmosphere close to panic prevails today throughout Europe as the millennial year 1000 approaches, bringing with it the so-called "Y1K Bug," a menace which, until recently, hardly anyone had ever heard of. Prophets of doom are warning that the entire fabric of Western Civilization, based as it now is upon monastic computations, could collapse, and that there is simply not enough time left to fix the problem.
Just how did this disaster-in-the-making ever arise? Why did no one anticipate that a change from a three-digit to a four-digit year would throw into total disarray all liturgical chants and all metrical verse in which any date is mentioned? Every formulaic hymn, prayer, ceremony and incantation dealing with dated events will have to be re-written to accommodate three extra syllables.
All tabular chronologies with three-space year columns, maintained for generations by scribes using carefully hand-ruled lines on vellum sheets, will now have to be converted to four-space columns, at enormous cost. In the meantime, the validity of every official event, from baptisms to burials, from confirmations to coronations, may be called into question.
"We should have seen it coming ," says Brother Cedric of St. Michael Abbey, here in Canterbury. "What worries me most is that THOUSAND contains the word THOU, which occurs in nearly all our prayers, and of course always refers to God. Using it now in the name of the year will seem almost blasphemous, and is bound to cause terrible confusion. Of course, we could always use Latin, but that might be even worse -- The Latin word for Thousand is Mile which is the same as the Latin for mile. We won't know whether we are talking about time or distance!"
Stonemasons are already reported threatening to demand a proportional pay increase for having to carve an extra numeral in all dates on tombstones, cornerstones and monuments. Together with its inevitable ripple effects, this alone could plunge the hitherto-stable medieval economy into chaos.
A conference of clerics has been called at Winchester to discuss the entire issue, but doomsayers are convinced that the matter is now one of personal survival.
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Y2K Backup Device
While we believe we will be fully Y2K compliant by January 1, 2000, and most of our subsidiary units and contractors claim they will also be fully compliant, we obviously need to make some preparations in case unexpected challenges impair our ability to meet the needs of our customers.
Enclosed with this memo is a "Y2K Backup System" device designed to meet short time emergency needs in case of a computer operations failure, or operational delay. This device is the company's Primary Emergency Network Computer Interface Liaison device (P.E.N.C.I.L.).
This device has been field tested extensively, including certification testing, as well as volume and stress testing. Properly maintained, the device meets all the requirements for coding and data input. Prior to use, the (P.E.N.C.I.L.) will require preparation and testing. Tools and supplies required will be: A sharpened knife or grinding device;and a supply of computer paper (with or without holes).
Gripping the device firmly in your hand, proceed to scrape or grind the wooded end until it has a cone-like appearance. The dark core area must be exposed to properly function. (Left-handed employees should read this sentence backwards, and then go to your supervisor for assistance.)
Place a single sheet of computer paper on a smooth, hard surface. Take the backup device, place the sharpened point against the paper, and pull it across the paper. If properly done, this will input a single line.
CAUTION: Excessive force may damage components of the device or damage the data reception device. If either the P.E.N.C.I.L. or the paper are damaged, go back to the preparation instructions above.
Proper use of the device will require data simulation input by the operator. Placing the device against the computer page forming symbols as closely resembling the computer lettering system you normally use. At the completion of each of the simulated letters, lift the device off the page, move it slightly to the right, replace it against the page, and form the next symbol. This may appear tedious, and somewhat redundant, but, with practice, you should be able to increase your speed and accuracy.
The P.E.N.C.I.L. is equipped with a manual deletion device. The device is located on the reverse end of the P.E.N.C.I.L. Error deletions operate similarly to the "backspace" key on your computer. Simply place the device against the erroneous data, and pull it backwards over the letters. This should remove the error, and enable you to resume data entries.
CAUTION: Excessive force may damage the data reception device.Insufficient force, however, may result in less than acceptable deletion, and may require re-initialization of action as above.
This device is designed with user maintenance in mind. However, if technical support is required, you can still call our local computer desk supervisor.
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Y2K Ballad
Y2K Ballad
(sing to the tune of ''Gilligan's Island'')
Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale
Of the doom that is our fate.
That started when programmers used
Two digits for a date
Two digits for a date
RAM memory was smaller then;
Hard drives were tiny, too.
''Four digits are extravagant,
So let's get by with two.
So let's get by with two.''
''This works through 1999,''
The programmers did say.
''Unless we write new code by then
The data goes away.
The data goes away.''
But management had not a clue;
''It works fine now, you bet!
Rewriting code cost money,
We won't do it just yet.
We won't do it just yet.''
Now when 2000 rolls around
It all goes straight to hell,
For zero less then ninety-nine,
As anyone can tell.
As anyone can tell.
The mail won't bring your pension check;
It won't be sent to you
When you're no longer sixty-eight
But minus thirty-two.
But minus thirty-two.
The problems we're about to face
Are frightening, for sure.
And reading every line of code's
The only certain cure.
The only certain cure.
[[ key change, the big finish coming]]
There's not much time, there's too much code,
And COBOL-coders, few.
When the century is finished,
We may be finished, too.
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