-
INTER OFFICE
INTER OFFICE MEMORANDUM
SUBJECT: Solution to Y2K Problem
Factory Networks is pleased to announce the successful completion of a pilot program that was developed to establish a low-cost solution to the Year 2000 issue. In accordance with the wishes of the our manager, at meeting last week, we have been asked to implement this plan on a group-wide basis ASAP. Our new goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by Jan, 1999. Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch.
There are many sound reasons for doing this:
1. No Y2K problems
2. Reduction in technical problems
3. Major reduction in software costs.
4. Smaller learning curve for our managers.
As part of our continuing effort to be proactive in our customer relations, we are including the most frequently asked questions from our test group from the pilot phase. We believe that these questions cover approximately 99% of the issued involved with the new 'systems' - though we recognize it is certainly not foolproof since we all know how ingenious fools are. Should you have questions or concerns with this plan, please contact a member of the system administration team and take it up with them.
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
Review It -
Jock vs Nerd
BETTER TO BE A JOCK OR A NERD?
To help you in formulating your answer, the following should be considered:
Michael Jordan will make more than $300,000 a game, $10,000 a minute, assuming he averages about 30 minutes per game. Assuming he also makes $40 million in endorsements next year, he will be making $178,000 a day, working or not.
If he goes to see a movie, it will cost him $8.00 (without popcorn and drink), but will make $18,500 while he is there.
If he decides to have a 5-minute egg, he will make $618 while boiling it. He makes $7,415 per hour more than minimum wage, even after the wage hike.
He will make $3,710 while watching each episode of "FRIENDS". If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX (cost $90,000), it will take him a whole 12 hours to earn the money.
If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at a rate of 2 dollars every second. He will probobly pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but then will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.
Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income in to his tax deferred acct (401K), he will hit the federal cap of $9,500 for such acts at 8:30 am on Jan 1st.
If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar Michael made, you would be living comfortably at $65,000 a yeaar.
Michael will make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics. He will make about $15,600 while the Boston Marathon (26 miles) is being run by the winner.
During the time the commom person is spending about $20.00 for a meal in Michael's trendy Chhicago resteraunt, Michael will make more than twice as much as all the past presidents have made in all their terms combined. PRETTY AMAZING HUH?
.......BUT Michael Jordan will have to save 100 percent of his income for 270 years to have a NET worth equivalent to that of Bill Gates, the founder of Microsoft.
NOW WHICH WOULD YOU RATHER BE???????
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
Review It -
Junk Mail is Divine!
# Things I have learned from reading my junk e-mail:
1. Everything is absolutely free (or only shipping & handling).
2. I can become a millionaire overnight just by clicking here.
3. Hundreds of young beautiful cheerleaders are waiting to perform any sexual acts I wish performed on me (or my pets, or my farm animals) if I just click there.
4. I can have my penis size doubled, my breasts enlarged two cup sizes, my age reversed by 20 to 30 years. Just click here.
5. I can buy almost anything for practically nothing if I just click here.
6. I can see lovely lesbians cavort with each other..virgins lose their virginity in front of my eyes or famous movie starlets do it with a hundred horny dwarfs...just click here and here.
7. I can purchase potions to enhance my sex life, restore my hair loss, make me irresistible to the opposite sex (or the same sex if preferred)..what else? click over yonder.
8. But wait..there's more...legal marijuana, sleeping pills, stay-awake pills, lose weight pills, gain weight pills....a set of Ginzu knives...all by just clicking and clicking.
WHAT A COUNTRY........
(Added: Wed Jan 29 2003 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
Review It -
Maxims for the Internet Age
1. Home is where you hang your @
2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:/ is the root of all directories.
8. Don’t put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
10. The modern is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don’t byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust.
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There’s no place like http://www.home.com
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the NET and he won’t bother you for weeks
(Added: Wed Jan 29 2003 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
Review It -
Microsoft Cars
Q: Why can't MICROSOFT built any cars?
A: Cause when an accident happens the airbag always asks: "Are you sure?"
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
Review It -
Microsoft Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.
The stockings were hung by the modem with care
In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of computer games danced in their heads.
PageMaker for Billy, and Quicken for Dan,
And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,
To santaclaus@toyshop.northpole.com -
Which has now been re-routed to Washington State
Because Santa's workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.
All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.
After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,
St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington that's just down the way
From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.
No more dolls or toy soldiers or little toy drums (ahem - pardon me)
No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS
With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,
From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.
More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
"Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too,
Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,
It is Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist,
It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist -
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.
Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's scheme,
And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"
And Mama in her 'kerchief and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,
As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.
And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,
Have a MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS, and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 4 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
Review It -
Microsoft Husbands
Did you hear about the woman who was married to a succession of three Microsoft employees and still died a virgin?
Her first husband was in Training, and kept teaching her how to do it herself.
The second was in Sales, and kept telling her how good it was going to be.
And the third was in Tech Support, and kept saying "Don't worry, it'll be up any minute now...."
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
Review It -
Microsoft Marketing Algorithm
/*
* Microsoft marketing algorithm.
*/
#include
#include
#include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include /* For the court of law */
#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WHO_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version
void main()
{
if (latest_window_version> one_month_old)
{
if (there_are_still_bugs)
market(bugfix);
if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
}
while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
{
make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in
lie.h */
if (rumours_grow_wilder)
make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
{
market_time=ripe;
say("It will be ready in one month);
order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
vapourware = TRUE;
break;
}
}
switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
{
case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
say("It will be ready in", today + 30_days, " we're just
testing");
break;
case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
say("Yes it will work");
ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
pretend(there_is_no_problem);
break;
case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to"
" the 32 bits architecture");
inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memory chip plant"
"'because all those customers will need at least 32 megs");
inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
break;
case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for
everyone");
register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
when(time_is_ripe)
{
arrest(journalist);
brainwash(journalist);
when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
{
order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
release (journalist);
}
}
break;
}
while (vapourware)
{
introduction_date++; /* Delay */
if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
break;
say("It will be ready in", today + ONE_MONTH);
}
release(beta_version)
while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
{
bills_bank_account += 150 * megabucks;
release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
introduce(more_memory_requirements);
if (customers_report_installation_problems)
{
say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
{
ignore(customer);
order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this guy");
}
}
if (there_is_another_company)
{
steal(their_ideas);
accuse(company, stealing_our_ideas);
hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
buy_out(other_company);
}
}
/* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry
at us */
order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_guy);
buy(nice_little_island);
hire(harem);
laugh_at(everyone,
for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
}
void bugfix(void)
{
charge(a_lot_of_money)
if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
if (still_complaints)
{
ignore(customer);
register(customer, big_Bill_book);
/* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!! */
}
}
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 4 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
Review It -
Microsoft to the Rescue
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
Review It -
Millennia Year Application
This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).
Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.
We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.
Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS.
Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.
There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.
This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS.
As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS."
It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, "Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS."
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
Review It -
Millennia Year Application
This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).
Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.
We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.
Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS.
Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.
There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.
This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS.
As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS."
It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, "Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS."
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
Review It -
Modern-time maxims for the Internet
Modern-time maxims for the Internet age
Home is where you hang your @
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
Great groups from little icons grow.
Speak softly and carry a cell phone.
C:\ is the root of all directories.
Don't put all your hypes in one homepage.
Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
The modem is the message
Too many clicks spoil the browse.
The geek shall inherit the earth.
A chat has nine lives.
Don't byte off more than you can view.
Fax is stranger than fiction.
What boots up must come down.
Virtual reality is its own reward.
Modulation in all things.
A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
There's no place like http://www.home.com
Know what to expect before you connect.
Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice.
Speed thrills.
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
Review It -
More Computer Viruses!
DANGER: new viruses discovered!:
Congressional Virus v 2.0 : Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
Tipper Gore Virus : When you attempt to play any sound file, it pops up a warning window stating that some lyrics may be unsuitable for children.
Government Ecomomist Virus : Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
New World Order Virus : Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
Warren Commission Virus : Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.
David Duke Virus : Makes your screen go completely white.
Pat Buchanan Virus : Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.
Texas Virus : Makes sure it's bigger than any other file.
Adam And Eve Virus : Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
Warren Beatty Virus : Constantly tries to prove it's virility by attaching itself to younger or newer files.
Airline Virus : You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
Freudian Virus : Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
PBS Virus : Your PC stops what it's doing every few minutes to ask for money.
Jimmy Hoffa Virus : Nobody can find it.
Kevorkian Virus : Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to.
Healthcare Virus : Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends a you a bill for $4,500.
LAPD Virus : It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defence".
Billy Graham Virus : When you save a file, it prints, "I am saved!" to the screen.
Michael Jackson Virus : Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This Virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.
And finally...
JokeGalore.com Virus : poses as a harmless list of funny computer Virus names! Is quickly passed from one user to all other users known via e-mail, consequently consuming all known network resources.
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
Review It -
Mouse Balls
This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all IBM Branch Offices. The person who wrote it was very serious. The rest of usmay find it rather humorous. Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)
Mouse Balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operateor should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be harder and larger than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending on the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist off method. Mouse Balls are usually not static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 4 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
Review It -
MS vs GM
At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments/General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart; in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.
9. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
Review It -
My Computer
I want to buy a software program that, when run, causes my computer to suffer grievously, though not permanently. When my screen freezes or turns blue, I want a special button I can push to make the CPU start squealing like a motherboard.
I want a device that stores an electrical charge in my telephone. For every minute I spend on hold waiting for technical support to answer, the charge would increase in intensity. When the guy from tech support finally answers, the electrical bolt of energy would be discharged into him. This should not affect my ability to hear what's going on at the other end of the line, of course. And a special function would allow the volts to double every time a tape-recorded message urges me to continue holding. "Your call is important to us," the caressing voice always claims.
I want my phone to be outfitted with a translation program which will reconstitute this irritating reminder into the truth: "Actually, we already have your money, so we couldn't care less. Our technical support department consists of two college kids, both of whom are busy playing Doom. Eventually, one of them will come on the line, but it will be the one who doesn't speak English."
I want my modem to sense when my PC has committed an "illegal function" and issue a warrant to arrest Bill Gates. When my system crashes and I lose a file that has taken me more than an hour to create, I want someone from the computer company to come out and retype it for me. I don't understand why new, "upgraded" software creates files that cannot be read by old, reliable software with the same name. Is there no one in the computer industry who has noticed that word processor files all look alike once they are open? Why can't 6.0 recognize a 7.0 file? It's all just words, isn't it?
There should be a rule that when software engineers buy a new car, their old cars should cease to function. If they don't understand why this is happening, they should call me and I will explain it to them.
How come when my computer catches a virus, I'm the one who misses work? I want to know why my printer always jams on the last piece of paper or the last sheet of checks. When this happens, it makes me want to put sandpaper into the manual feed and print the Emancipation Proclamation.
I am really tired of hearing about all the things that happened with Y2K. Why didn't anybody ever ask these computer programmers how in the world they didn't know the year 2000 would follow the year 1999? Software engineers are supposed to be pretty bright people - what did they need - a memo or something? I bought a program that was supposed to tell me if my computer files are Y2K-compliant. The program wouldn't work because - get this - my CD-ROM player is too old (I bought it 34 months ago). The manufacturer doesn't sell an "updated driver." Thus, to find out if my computer is Y2K-compliant, I need to buy another computer.
I want to know what good is a Web search engine that returns 324,909,188 "matches" to my keyword. That's like saying, "Good news, we've located the product you want. It's on Earth."
I want to know why, when I had a tiny hard drive, my operating system was virtually crash-proof and took up so little space. My new operating system is five times the size of my original hard drive. With every "upgrade," it seems to grow 75 percent. That's as if every time your mother-in-law came to visit she weighed another 500 pounds.
Now I've found out that my PC no longer "recognizes" my floppy drive! How could they not recognize each other? They live together in the same little tower!
Please understand, I don't hate my computer...I just want to hurt it every once in a while!
(Added: Wed Jan 29 2003 Hits: 4 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
Review It -
Net Addict
You know you are addicted to the Internet when...
You kiss your girlfriend's home page.
Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster \par connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3.
And even your night dreams are in HTML.
You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au
Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.
You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.
You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
All of your friends have an @ in their names.
When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
Your dog has its own home page.
You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.
You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 2.01or higher."
You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP...because you never log off.
The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.
You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
(Added: Wed Jan 29 2003 Hits: 4 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
Review It -
New Beetle
Q: What should the vanity license plate of the first new VW beetle sold in the year 2000 be?
A: "Y2K BUG"
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 4 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
Review It -
New viruses discovered!
This is deadly serious, so don't ignore it. Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking havoc throughout the national system.
Beware of...
THE CLINTON Virus....
(Gives you a 6 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)
THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus...
(Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)
THE LEWINSKY virus...
(Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did)
THE RONALD REAGAN virus....
(Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)
THE MIKE TYSON virus....
(Quits after two bytes)
THE OPRAH WINFREY virus....
(Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to stabilize around 200mb)
THE JACK KAVORKIAN virus....
(Deletes all old files)
THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus...
(Disks can no longer be inserted)
THE PROZAC virus....
(Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care)
THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus...
(Only attacks minor files)
THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus
(Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back)
...and last but not least...
THE LORENA BOBBITT virus...
(Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows)
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
Review It -
New Win98 Error Codes
The Latest Report on Windows98: New Error Codes Assigned
Winerr 000 - Unexpected Intelligent User Detected; Please Reload Everything
Winerr 001 - Intimidation Failed; Attempting to Crash Repeatedly
Winerr 002 - Erroneous Error; No Error Occurred (Yet)
Winerr 003 - RAM Depleted; Annex Japan (Y/N)?
Winerr 004 - Deluxe Error. Please Send $75 to Upgrade Your Error
Winerr 005 - Long File Name Error; Tape Erased to Make Room for Filename
Winerr 006 - Insufficient RAM to Crash Properly; Attempting Fake Crash
Winerr 007 - Alphanumeric Sequence "OS2" Prohibited
Winerr 008 - This License Has Expired; Please Purchase Another Copy
Winerr 009 - Error Buffer Overflow; Too Many Errors
Winerr 00A - Non-Microsoft Application Encountered
Winerr 00B - Push Error; Removing Files to Make Room for Advertisement
Winerr 00C - Windows Loaded Correctly This Time
Winerr 00D - User Error; Lemming Not Found
Winerr 00E - Open Standard Encountered; Attempting to Redmondize
Winerr 00F - Reserved for Future Coding Errors
Winerr 010 - Virus Error - Other Applications Will Be Closed Instead
Winerr 011 - Orwell Not Found; You Must Use MSN
Winerr 012 - Cash Underflow - Credit Card Number Will Be Assimilated
Winerr 013 - Keyboard Error; User Must Learn to Slow Down
Winerr 014 - User Error; Reading License Agreement Mandatory to Continue
Winerr 015 - Error Message Deleted
Winerr 016 - Expected Error Did Not Occur; Attempting to Restart Error Sequence
Winerr 017 - Multitasking Attempted; System Confused
Winerr 018 - Network Error - Your Crash Will Be Replicated to All Stations
Winerr 019 - Freedom-of-Choice Error; Select a Microsoft Browser To Continue
Winerr 01A - Insult Detected -- Your Bill Gates Joke Will Be Deleted
Winerr 01B - Error Removing Temp File; a Permanent File Will Be Substituted
Winerr 01C - Wrong Disk Formatted. Sorry About That.
Winerr 01D - Mandatory Error Inserted to Meet Error Quota
Winerr 01E - Please Insert Your Favorite Error Here
Winerr 01F - Error In Progress; Please Wait....
Winerr 020 - Unknown Error Occurred But Was Lost. Windows Will Try To Remember
Winerr 021 - Error Parsing Error List; Please Wait For Next Error
Winerr 022 - Upgrade Error; Please Format Your Drive And Reload Everything
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
Review It -
New Year's Resolutions
New Year's Resolutions for Internet Junkies...
I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.
I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband).
I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.
I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.
I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily...well, once a week... okay, monthly then...or maybe...
I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard
to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.
When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I will not reply "MS Tech Support."
When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"
I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.
I will think of a password other than "password."
I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical.
I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er...
I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 4 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
Review It -
No Smoke
A guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.
Tech: What's the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup files and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.
Ten minutes later, the User is still adamant that they are right. The tech is frustrated and fed up.
Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes.
Ten minutes later.
User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
User: MS-DOS 6.22.
Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes.
One hour later.
User: I need a new power supply.
Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?
User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.
Tech: Then what did he say?
User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.
(Added: Wed Jan 29 2003 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
Review It -
ONE DAY A BOY WAS TAKING
ONE DAY A BOY WAS TAKING A SHOWER WITH HIS MOTHER AND HE SAYS ''MOMMY WHAT ARE THOSE''? SHE REPLIES..''OH THOSE ARE MY HEAD LIGHTS''THE BOY THEN AGAIN ASKS ''MOMMY WHATS THAT''? SHE THEN REPLIES ''OH THATS MY GARDEN'' THE BOY SAYS THANKS AND HOPS OUT OF THE SHOWER.
THE NEXT DAY THE BOY TAKES A SHOWER WITH HIS DAD.THE BOT THEN ASKS HIS DAD ''DADDY WHATS THAT''? THE FATHER REPLIES ''OH THATS MY SNAKE''THE BOY SAYS THANKS AND HOPS OUT OF THE SHOWER. THAT NIGHT THE BOY HAD A BAD DREAM SO HE WENT INTO HIS PARENTS ROOM SNEAKS UNDER THE SHEETS AND SAYS''MOMMY MOMMY QUICK TURN ON YOUR HEAND LIGHTS THERES A SNAKE IN YOUR GARDEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 2 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
Review It -
Online Too Long
1. Tech Support calls "YOU" for help.
2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL" out loud.
3. You find yourself trying to cock your head 90 degrees when you smile.
4. You have called out someone's screen name while making love to your significant other.
5. You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out".
6. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
7. If you are male and see a female in the "Real" world that you wish to meet, your first thought is to IM her.
8. If you are female and you see a male in the "Real" world that you wish to meet, your first thought is that you wish he'd IM you.
9. You don't understand the humor in the above mentioned #7 and #8 since the "real" world is at your fingertips.
10. You have to get a 2nd phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut.
11. When you have sex, you no longer are concerned about sexually transmitted diseases.
12. You walk into a room, and, finding that it has more than 23 people, you inform management that there is an error.
13. When looking at signs, you wonder why they are always "yelling" at you.
14. You go up to people you are attracted to "in real life" and ask them for their GIF.
15. Although you don't know what they look like, you become insanely jealous of people hitting on your cyber-love.
16. You don't even know what your cyber-love looks like.
17. When at work, your boss constantly reminds you that the word i should be capitalized.
18. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.
19. Your spouse now complains of you moving your fingers in your sleep instead of talking.
20. Your kids are eating cereal morning, noon, and night.
21. When someone says, "What did you say?" you reply, "Scroll up!"
22. You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep.
23. You turn down the lights & close the blinds so people won't know you're on-line again.
24. You know more about your AOL friends' daily routines than you do your wn spouse's.
25. You find yourself lying to others about your time on-line & when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook.
26. You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to your own.
27. You would rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much than the truth (online all night).
28. You change your screen names so much that you have to look at your own profile to see who you are.
29. You go into labor and you stop to type a special E-mail to let everyone know you're going to be away and how you're feeling.
30. You marry your cyberboyfriend/girlfriend and you both sit at your own computers & chat to each other every night from across the room.
31. You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time.
32. You understand the humor in all of these jokes because you have committed then yourself!
33. Your dog leaves you.
34. You are doing things more and more that you swore you would never do when you first got online.
35. You sign on & immediately get 10 IMs from people who have you on their buddy list.
36. You have a map on the wall w/ LOTS of red thumbtacks to mark where people are you have met.
37. You look at an annoying person off-line & wish you had your ignore button handy.
38. You bring a bag lunch & a cooler to the computer.
39. Your significant other kisses your neck while you're chatting and you think, "Uh oh, cyber sex perv".
40. You go thru "withdrawal" if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours.
41. Your buddy list has over 100 people on it.
42. You understand what BIF ISO BIM means. (I wonder how many will get this one...If so, you've been hanging out in *strange* places).
43. You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get online before you have your first cup of coffee.
44. You have to inject no-doze into your butt to keep it awake.
45. You have your computer set so it goes directly into AOL's welcome screen.
46. You wait 6 hours online for a certain "special" person to come home from work.
47. You don't know where the time has gone.
48. You end sentences with 3 (or more) periods while writing letters by hand.
49. Your relationship online has gone farther than any real one you have had.
50. You get up at 2 am to go to the bathroom but turn on the computer instead.
51. You don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo.
52. You enter a room & 23 people greet you w/ {{hugs}} or **kisses**.
53. You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme.
54. Your voicemail/answering machine message is "BRB, leave your s/n & I will TTYL".
55. You type faster than you think.
56. You got your psychiatrist addicted to AOL too & are now undergoing therapy in private rooms instead of at his office.
57. You want to be buried with your computer when it dies or vice versa.
58. You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted.
59. You can actually read & follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up your TV screen at the end of a movie
60. People say, "If it weren't for your super reflexes in your eyes and fingers, you would have been classified as a vegetable!"
61. You dream in "text".
62. Being called a Newbie is a "MAJOR" insult.
63. There is absolutely no interesting chat in any room & you're really bored.
64. You don't want to leave in case you miss something.
65. You double click your TV remote.
66. You can now type over 70 wpm.
67. You think about starting a 12-step recovery group for AOL junkies.
68. You are on the phone a minute & need to do something else & say "BRB" r "BBL".
69. You check your E-mail and forget you have real mail (a.k.a. snail mail).
70. You go into withdrawals during dinner.
71. You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to everyone in a room.
72. You stop speaking in full sentences.
73. You have gone into an unstaffed Tech Support room & ended up "giving" tech support to other AOLers.
74. You have to be pried from your computer by the "Jaws of Life".
75. Your last sexual experience was really just a "textual" experience.
76. You know what a "snert" is.
77. You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted to "check your mail" & while there you "just wanted to see who was nline".
78. You meet people from AOL in public & you have no idea what their real name is, so you call them by their screen name.
79. You've even gotten on an airplane just to meet some folks face-to-face.
80. When seeing someone you wish to meet, your second thought is wishing they'd be on AOL so you don't have to meet them in person.
81. You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it.
82. You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or complete sentences.
83. You have met over 100 AOLers.
84. When meeting a stranger, you ask for their profile. If they have a profile you ask them for an age/sex/location check.
85. You understand the humor in all of this.
86. You keep telling yourself to Get a Life.
87. When someone online says BRB, gotta go pee, you ask them to go for you, and think they can.
(Added: Wed Jan 29 2003 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
Review It -
Password
I was working in a wall street investment bank when someone from the information technology group came by our office asking us to enter our passwords in the new software system.
My colleague Barry, with his usual rebellious attitude, entered the password "Penis."
We all fell on the floor with laugher when the computer replied:
*** PASSWORD REJECTED. TOO SHORT *****
(Added: Wed Jan 29 2003 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
Review It
|
