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Computer Sayings
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1. Home is where you hang your @
2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C: is the root of all directories.
8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise-pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust.
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There's no place like http://www.home.com.
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled web site we weave when first we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 6 Rating: 4.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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''99 Bottles of Beer'' song
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''99 Bottles of Beer'' song gets stuck in an infinite loop
At the stroke of midnight on 12/31/1999, Windows 99* turns back into DOS 1.0; the Pentium* V turns back into an 8088, and the Handsome User is left holding a beautiful glass mouse.
Internet Movie Database now lists ''1901: A Space Odyssey''.
Bob Dole's age erroneously listed with only two digits.
Sales of Coca-Cola jump drastically after original cocaine-laden formula becomes legal again.
Software engineers point out that since computers think it's almost 1900, we technically have to ''party like it's 1899'' (which, frankly, doesn't seem like that much fun).
Microsoft declares the year 1900 to be the new standard of the ''Gatesian'' Calendar.
Jesus shows up late for His Second Coming; blames it on COBOL programmers.
Using a computerized adoption service, Michael Jackson mistakenly takes home some octogenarians.
Unexpected demand for COBOL programmers results in severe personnel shortage at McDonald's restaurants.
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 6 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Bill Gates in Hell
Bill Gates dies and goes to hell.
Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.
Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a Beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says, "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.
"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"
"That's what everyone thinks," snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't..."
"What about the PC?"
"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys."
"Which three?"
"Control, Alt and Delete."
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 6 Rating: 3.67 Votes: 3) Rate It
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But how do I know...
Tech Support: "What does the screen say now."
Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"
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my brain is like a computer...
my brain is like a computer,
the older I get the less avaliable memory I have.
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The night before Y2K...
The night before Y2K
'Twas the night before Y2K,
And all through the nation
We awaited The Bug,
The Millennium sensation.
The chips were replaced
In computers with care,
In hopes that ol' Buggy
Wouldn't stop there.
While some folks could think
They were snug in their beds
Others had visions
Of dread in their heads.
And Ma with her PC,
And I with my Mac
Had just logged on the Net
And kicked back with a snack.
When over the server,
There arose such a clatter
I called Mister Gates
To see what was the matter.
But he was away,
So I flew like a flash
Off to my bank
To withdraw all my cash.
When what with my wandering eyes
Should I see?
My good old Mac
Looked sick to me.
The hack of all hackers
Was looking so smug,
I knew that it must be
The Y2K Bug!
His image downloaded
In no time at all,
He whistled and shouted,
Let all systems fall!
Go Intel! Go Gateway!
Now HP! Big Blue!
Everything Compaq,
And Pentium too!
All processors big,
All processors small,
Crash away! Crash away!
Crash away all!
All the controls
That planes need for their flights
All microwaves, trains
And all traffic lights.
As I drew in my breath
And was turning around,
Out through the modem,
He came with a bound.
He was covered with fur,
And slung on his back
Was a sackful of virus,
Set for attack.
His eyes-how they twinkled!
His dimples-how merry!
As midnight approached, though
Things soon became scary.
He had a broad little face
And a round little belly,
And his sack filled with virus
Quivered like jelly.
He was chubby and plump,
Perpetually grinning,
And I laughed when I saw him
Though my hard drive stopped spinning.
A wink of his eye,
And a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know
A new feeling of dread.
He spoke not a word,
But went straight to his work,
He changed all the clocks,
Then turned with a jerk.
With a twitch of his nose,
And a quick little wink,
All things electronic
Soon went on the blink.
He zoomed from my system,
To the next folks on line,
He caused such a disruption,
Could this be a sign?
Then I heard him exclaim,
With a loud, hearty cry,
Happy Y2K to all,
Kiss your PCs good-bye!
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Where Am I!!!
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window.
Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER OVER SEATTLE."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to the Seattle airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position?
The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building, because similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but totally useless answer!"
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''Usenet is like Tetris
''Usenet is like Tetris for people who still know how to read.'' -- Computer Museum (Boston)
''Usenet isn't a right. It's a right, a left, and a swift uppercut to the jaw.'' -- Computer Museum (Boston)
''If you put a billion monkeys in front of a billion typewriters typing at random, they would reproduce the entire collected works of Usenet in about ... five minutes.'' -- Anon.
''Come to think of it, there are already a million monkeys on a million typewriters, and the Usenet is NOTHING like Shakespeare!'' -- Blair Houghton
''The NeXT Computer: The hardware makes it a PC, the software makes it a workstation, the unit sales makes it a mainframe.'' -- Anon.
''What goes up must come down. Ask any system administrator.'' -- Anon.
''Who's General Failure and why's he reading my disk?'' -- Anon.
''If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get one million miles to the gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.'' -- Robert X Cringely
''A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.'' -- Mitch Ratliffe
''The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.'' -- Nathaniel Borenstein
''Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.'' -- Anon.
''Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_|'' -- Anon.
''If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.'' -- Anon.
''Intel has announced its next chip: the Repentium.'' -- Anon.
''Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.'' -- Anon.
''Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window.'' -- Steve Wozniak
''All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.'' -- Anon.
''Want to make your computer go really fast? Throw it out a window.'' -- Anon.
''The most overlooked advantage to owning a computer is that if they foul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little.'' -- Porterfield
''Hardware: the parts of a computer that can be kicked.'' -- Jeff Pesis
''The best way to accelerate a Macintosh is at 9.8m/sec/sec.'' -- Marcus Dolengo
''If a trainstation is where the train stops, what's a workstation...?'' -- Anon.
''The robot is going to lose. Not by much. But when the final score is tallied, flesh and blood is going to beat the damn monster.'' -- Adam Smith
''The computer is a moron.'' -- Peter Drucker
''I do not fear computers. I fear lack of them.'' -- Isaac Asimov
''Sometimes it pays to stay in bed in Monday, rather than spending the rest of the week debuging Monday's code.'' -- Dan Salomon
''It's easy to cry 'bug' when the truth is that you've got a complex system and sometimes it takes a while to get all the components to co-exist peacefully.'' -- Doug Vargas
''As soon as we started programming
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****GM vs MICROSOFT*****
****GM vs MICROSOFT***** At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: ''If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.''
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr Welch himself):
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have tobuy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, andyou would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought ''Car95'' or ''CarNT.'' But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single ''general car default'' warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say ''Are you sure?'' before going off.
10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the ''start'' button to shut off the engine.
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10 signs You are an
10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.
9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
7. You're amazed to find out spam is a food.
6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.
5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
4. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications".
3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server".
2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so colon-right parentheses!"
And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:
1. Two Words: "Pizza's Here!"
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10 signs You are an Internet
10 signs You are an Internet Geek
10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.
9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is ''Hi, what's your URL?''
8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
7. You're amazed to find out spam is a food.
6. You ''ping'' people to see if they're awake, ''finger'' them to find out how they are, and ''AYT'' them to make sure they're listening to you.
5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
4. You introduce your wife as ''mylady@home.wife'' and refer to your children as ''client applications''.
3. At social functions you introduce your husband as ''my domain server.''
2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, ''I feel so colon-right parentheses!''
And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:
1. Two Words: ''Pizza's Here!''
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10 signs You are an Internet Geek
10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.
9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
7. You're amazed to find out spam is a food.
6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.
5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
4. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications".
3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server".
2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so colon-right parentheses!"
And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:
1. Two Words: "Pizza's Here!"
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 4 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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12 Bugs of Christmas
For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
See if they can do it again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Tell them it's a feature
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 4 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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12 Bugs of Christmas
For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
See if they can do it again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Tell them it's a feature
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 4 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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12 Step Program of Recovery
12 Step Program of Recovery for Web Addicts:
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.
I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!
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99 little bugs in the code...
99 little bugs in the code,
99 bugs in the code,
fix one bug, compile it again,
101 little bugs in the code.
101 little bugs in the code,....
> (Repeat until BUGS = 0)
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A farmer ordered a high-tech
A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. It happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away, so he decided to test it on himself first. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and ''voila'', everything else was automatic!! He really had good time as the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. But when the fun was over, he found that he could not
take the instrument off. He read the manual, but did not find any useful information.
He tried every button on the instrument. Some made the equipment squeeze, shake, or suck harder or less, but none would remove it. Panicking, he called the
supplier's Customer Service Hotline. The farmer: ''Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It worked fantastic. But how can I take it off from the cow's udder?'' Customer Service: ''Don't worry. The machine was programmed such that it will release automatically after collecting about 2 liters of milk.''
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A helicopter was flying around
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said ''WHERE AM I?'' in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said ''YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.''
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the ''YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER'' sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded ''I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.''
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A mechanical engineer
A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a software engineer are in a car that breaks down.
The mechanical engineer says: ''Maybe is's a stuck valve''.
The electical engineer says: ''Maybe it's a dead battery''.
The software engineer says: ''I know. Let's all get out and get back in again, and see if that fixes it''.
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A pilot was flying a small
A pilot was flying a small charter plane
There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. He began circling around looking for a landmark.
Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with a guy working alone on the fifth floor. He banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, "Hey where am I?" to which the man replies, "You're in an airplane."
The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to perform a perfect blind landing on the airport runway 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.
The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Quite easy," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East."
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A programmer comes to
A programmer comes to a piano-player to have a look at his new grand piano, walks around, hems and finally, says,
-the keyboard is inconvenient-84keys, half of them functional, all unmarked, though, to press 'Shift' with a foot is a fresh idea.
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A tech get drafted!
One of Microsoft Network's finest support techs was drafted into the Army and sent to boot camp.
At the rifle range, he was given some instructions, handed a rifle, and a couple rounds of ammo. He loaded the rifle and fired several shots at the target which was fifty yards away.
The report came from the target area that all of his attempts had completely missed the target.
The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then once more at the target. He placed his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.
The end of his finger was blown off -- whereupon he yelled toward the target area...
"It's leaving here just fine; the trouble must be at your end!"
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A tourist walked into a pet
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey.
He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, ''That'll be $5000.'' The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, ''That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?''
The shopkeeper answered, ''Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.''
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. ''That one's even more expensive - $10,000! What does it do?''
''Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,'' said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, ''That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?''
The shopkeeper replied, ''Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's a consultant.''
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Addicted to AOL!
1. You have been on-line for 46 minutes. Do you want to stay on-line? Please respond within 10 minutes, or you will be logged off.
2. You have been on-line 135 minutes. Not to put any pressure on you,but there are OTHER people in the world who would like to sign on. Let's show some consideration for our fellow members and sign off, WHADDYA SAY?
3. You DO realize that you have been on-line for 180 minutes, right? When was the last time you went outside?
4. OK, this is getting ridiculous. Frankly, you're starting to upset us! If you sign off now, we'll bring back your buddy list, OK?
5. You have been on-line for 360 minutes now! We promised you unlimited time, we know, but can't you just finish up and go read a good book?!
6. You have been on-line for 467 minutes. Do you remember your family members names?
7. You have been on-line for 513 minutes. Your spouse has left and your dog is starving. Do you wish to remain on-line?
8. You have been on-line for 724 minutes. Steve Case is coming personally to your house to yank the phone cord!
9. You have been on-line for 852 minutes. Do you KNOW how many hours that is??
10. You have been on-line for 921 minutes. Do you realize that AOL averages 921 complaints per hour about busy phone lines? Do you realize that AOL receives 9.21 lawsuits per day, due to busy phone lines? PLEASE sign-off, to reduce these averages, or go to KEYWORD: Class Action to join a lawsuit.
11. You have been on-line for 967 minutes. When AOL went unlimited, they didn't think you would take it LITERALLY! So get OFF, before we go broke!
12. You have been on-line for 1013 minutes. This is Steve Case, I need to sign-on myself and answer some mail. Could you PLEASE sign-off?
13. You have been on-line for 1105 minutes. Are you and your family chatting in shifts? GEEZE get off already!
14. You have been on-line 1151 minutes. WELCOME TO THE TEAM... See job application enclosed!
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 4 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Alternative Win95 slogans
Microsoft's ad slogan for Windows 95 was "Where do you want to go today?"
Here are alternative slogans for the bloated OS:
1. Windows: The colorful clown suit for DOS.
2. Double your drive space: Delete Windows!
3. Windows and DOS: A turtle and its shell.
4. Microsoft gives you Windows - OS/2 give you the whole house.
5. A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle.
6. Bang on the left side of your computer to restart Windows.
7. Error #152 - Windows not found:
(C)heer (P)arty (D)ance.
8. I still miss Windows, but my aim is getting better
9. I'll never forget the first time I ran Windows, but I'm trying.
10. My lastest screen-saver: Curtains for Windows.
11. OS/2 ... Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates.
12. Out of disk space. Delete Windows? [Y]es [H]ell Yes!
13. Windows 3.1: The best $89 solitaire game you can buy.
14. Windows NT: Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty.
15. How do you want to crash today?
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 3 Rating: 10.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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