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Polish
A blonde was telling a priest a Pollock joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Polish?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "do you want me to start over and talk slower?"
(Added: Fri Dec 13 2002 Hits: 5 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Pope at dinner
a pope goes to a dinner party and sits at the main chair one of the person asks oh pope you divine please pass me the wine the secaratory sitting at the other end thinks for a long while and says oh pope you bastard please pass the custard
(Added: Fri Jan 31 2003 Hits: 5 Rating: 3.33 Votes: 6) Rate It
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Porch or Ferrari !
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
(Added: Fri Dec 13 2002 Hits: 5 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Porsche
There was this blonde applying for a job and saw a sign that said needed for paint job, Come here. So she went to the house and knocked on the door.
She said,I'm here for the paint job;and the guy said,Ok.Here's the paint I want you to paint the porch.
She said, No Problem, and set off to work. She finished the first coating and decided because it didn't take very long she would give it a second coat.
She finished the second and knocked on the door. She said, I gave it two coats and oh,by the way, It's not a porsche, It's a ferrarie.
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 6 Rating: 3.67 Votes: 3) Rate It
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Post Card Home
Another blonde sent a post card home:
"Having a wonderful time....Where am I?"
(Added: Fri Dec 13 2002 Hits: 6 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Pretty Blonde
A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?
"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke."
She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties.
"Okay", she says.
After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?"
They say, "Huh?"
She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.
Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth.
Jed says, "Luke?"
Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"
Jed says, "You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"
"Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."
"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.
"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not".
"Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off."
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 7 Rating: 3.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Prison Blondes
Three women escaped from prison. One was a redhead, one a brunette, and one a blonde. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage.
About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw and the deputy yelled back, "Just three gunnysacks."
The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy kicked the first sack, which had the redhead in it. She went, "Bow-wow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in it.
Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it. She went, "Meow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it.
Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked it again, and finally the blonde said, "Potatoes".
(Added: Fri Dec 13 2002 Hits: 6 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Race
A blonde woman was in a competition to swim across the English Channel. Her competitors in the Breast Stroke division were a brunette woman and a redheaded woman. The brunette came in first, the redhead a few minutes later. Just as the sun was setting, the blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted.
After being revived with blankets and coffee, she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms."
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 7 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Raking Leaves
Q: How did the blonde break her arm raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.
(Added: Fri Dec 13 2002 Hits: 6 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Robbery
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were robbing a supermarket when a police officer walked in the store. The three women decide to hide in three potato sacks.
The cop kicks the first bag, and the brunette says, "meow", the cop says, "oh, its only a cat"
He kicks the second bag, and the redhead says, "woof, woof".
The cop says, "its only a dog".
He kicks the third bag, and the blonde says, "potato"
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 6 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Roll Down the Window
There was three girls a brown head, a red head, and a blonde head. They where going to go on a hike in the desert and the brown head said she would take some food if they got hungry, the red head said she would bring water if they got thirsty, and the blonde head said she'd bring a car door........so if they got hot she could roll down the window.
(Added: Fri Dec 13 2002 Hits: 6 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Running from the cops...
There was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all running from the cops. They find a barber shop, run in, and ask "got any places to hide?" he answers, "i dunno, you can check if you want" The brunette hides in a box, the redhead in a closet, and the blonde in a potato sack. A few minutes later a policeman walks into the shop. He goes to the barber and asks "did you see 3 strange women walk through here?" and he replies "i dunno, but you can check. He walks over to the box, kicks it, and hears "WOOF WOOF!" and he replies "damn dog!" goes to the closet, kicks it..."MEOW MEOW!"..."damn cat". He by then walks to the potato sack, kicks it, and hears, "POTATO!!!"
(Added: Fri Jan 31 2003 Hits: 10 Rating: 3.00 Votes: 3) Rate It
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S-H-I-T
A businessman got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by reciting the letters,
"T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T." She looked at him, puzzled, and said "T-G-I-F" again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said, as sweetly as possible, "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"
The man answered, "S-H-I-T: Sorry Honey, It's Thursday."
More Blonde Q & A
Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitchen?
That's the proper place to wash vegetables.
What is a Blondes favorite nursary rhyme?
Hump me dump me
What do you do if a blond throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.
(Added: Fri Dec 13 2002 Hits: 6 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Sacrifice
Eleven people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest. Ten were blonde, one was a brunette.
As a group, they decided that one of the party should let go. Otherwise, the rope would break and everyone would perish.
For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered.
Finally, the brunette gave a truly touching speech, saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.
The ten blondes applauded...
(Added: Fri Dec 13 2002 Hits: 7 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Safe Sex
A blonde walks into a pharmacy before having sex.
She says to the guy behind the counter, "I'd like to buy a condom, please."
He says, "Hey, watch your mouth!"
She says, "You're right. better make that 2."
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 6 Rating: 3.67 Votes: 6) Rate It
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School Work
A little blond girl comes back from school one evening. She runs to her mum and says: "Mummy today at school we learnt how to count. Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10! It's good, innit?"
"Yes darling, very good."
"Is that because I'm blond?"
"Yes darling, it's because you're blond."
Next day, the little girl comes back from school and says: "Mummy, today at school we learnt the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K ! It's good "innit?"
"Yes darling, very good."
"Is that because I'm blond, mummy?"
"Yes darling it's because you're blond.
Next Day, she returns from school and cries: "Mummy, today we went swimming. Well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!" She proceeds to flash her impressive 36 D's at her mummy. "Is that because I'm blond, mummy?"
"No darling, it's because you're 25."
(Added: Wed Jan 29 2003 Hits: 5 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 2) Rate It
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Seagulls
A blonde and a brunette were walking along the beach.
The brunette says "Gosh, look at all the dead seagulls!"
The blonde looks up in the sky and says,"Where?"
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 5 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Selling The Car
A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar.
The brunette suggested, "There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal."
"That doesn't matter at all," replied the blonde. "All that matters it that I am able to sell this car."
"Alright," replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car."
The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette's advice.
About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, "Did you sell your car?"
"No!" replied the blonde. "Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it."
(Added: Wed Jan 29 2003 Hits: 5 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Skip a Day
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.
"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 5 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Slot Machines
In Vegas, a blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly, and of course the machine keeps popping out the drinks.
Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go.
The blonde spins around and shouts in her face: "Can't you see I'm winning??"
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 5 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Smart Blonde
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "what is 1 and 1?"
"Eleven," she replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 6 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Snow Plow
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it.
As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite some time had passed she was somewhat surprise when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time.
She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted but he was done with the WalMart parking lot and was going over to K-Mart next.
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 7 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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snowman
Which takes longer to make, A blond snowman or a regular snowman? A blond one because you have to hollow out the head!
(Added: Fri Jan 31 2003 Hits: 5 Rating: 3.33 Votes: 3) Rate It
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Snowstorm
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blond got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.
She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. That made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it.
As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problems with the blizzard conditions. After quite sometime had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll her window down.
The driver wanted to know if she was alright as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.
The driver said that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Walmart parking lot and was going over to K-mart next.
(Added: Wed Jan 29 2003 Hits: 6 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 2) Rate It
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Some Blonde Joke Quickies
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Q. How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A. She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.
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Q. What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
A. "Look! They spelled MACY's wrong!"
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Q. Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A. Her blinker was on.
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Q. What do you call a blond skeleton in a clothes closet?
A. The 1960 hide-and-go-seek champion.
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Q. How did the blonde hurt herself while raking the leaves?
A. She fell out of the tree
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Q. How do you get a twinkle in a blonde's eye?
A. Shine a flashlight in her ear.
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Q. Why did God give every blonde two more brain cells than a cow?
A. So they don't moo-moo when you pull on their tits.
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Q. How do blonde brain cells die?
A. Alone.
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(Added: Fri Dec 13 2002 Hits: 5 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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