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Monkey Joke
A guy walks into a bar with a monkey and orders a drink for himself. The bartender looks at the monkey and says to the guy, "Hey, we have health standards here, get that monkey out of here!"
"Aw," says the guy, "He's Okay. I'll pay for any damages that he makes."
Ill at ease, the bartender agrees. After a few minutes, the monkey jumps from the bar over to the pool table, grabs the cue ball and swallows it.
"That's it!" the bartender screams, "Get that monkey out of here!"
"Hey," says the guy, "it's Okay. Look, I'll pay you for the cue ball and leave."
The guy drops a bill on the bar, gathers his monkey and leaves.
Two weeks later, the same guy with the same monkey show up at the same bar. The bartender, remembering the incident, says, "Listen buddy, are you going to keep your monkey in line?"
"Yeah," says the guy, "don't worry about any cue balls."
After a few minutes the monkey runs across the bar to a bowl of grapes and grabs one. He looks at the grape for a minute or two and promply shoves it up his rear end. Sitting there for a while, he then proceeds to eat the grapes one by one.
"That has to be the grossest thing I ever saw in my life," says the bartender.
"Yeah," says the guy, "but after the cue ball, he began to size everything he eats."
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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My Best Buddy!
A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy."
Bartender says, "You want them *both* now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?"
The guy says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket here." and he pulls a little 3 inch man out of his pocket.
The bartender asks "You mean to say, He can drink that much?"
"Oh, sure. He can drink it all, and then some." the man retorted.
So the bartender pours the 2 shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That's amazing" says the bartender.
"What else can he do, can he walk?"
The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Rodney, Go fetch that quarter." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter, and runs back down and gives it to the man.
The bartender is in total shock.
"That's amazing," he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"
The man looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and squawks "Talk? Sure *he* talks. Hey, Rodney, tell him about that time we were in down in Africa, on safari, hunting and you called that native Witch doctor a "Jerk!"
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Name
This man walks into a bar and two steps he realizes that it's a gay bar. But the man really wants a drink so he goes in anyway. The man walks up to the bartender and says, "I'd like a beer." And the bartender replys, "I can't give you a drink until you tell me the name of your penis." The man is very confused, so he turns to the guy on his right and asks him, "What's the name of your penis?" And the guy replys, "Timex.... Takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'" So then the man turns to the guy on his left and asks him, "What's the name of your peinis?" And the man replys, "Energizer... It keeps going and going and....." So the man finally understands what is going on, and he says to the bartender, "The name of my penis is Secret." And the bartender asks "Why?" And the man replys, "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman."
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Newfie Discovers Himself
A Newfie man goes out on the town, stops in at a bar. He spots a gorgeous looking blonde and trys to pick her up.
The blonde says "sorry, I'm not that way inclined" and points to a gorgeous looking brunnette sitting across from her at the bar. The blonde goes on to tell the Newfie all the lovely sexual things she would like to do with the Brunette.
At this point the Newfie starts to cry and the blonde asks "what's wrong with you?". The Newfie responds "I think I just found out I'm a Lesbian too!"
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 2 Rating: 1.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Paddy and his two friends
Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine.'
His second friend says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with the plummer the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine.'
Paddy says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.' Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. 'No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.'
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Panda in a Bar
A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said "I'd like a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please" so the barman took his order and the panda went to sit down. Soon a waiter brought over his meal. The panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid the bill.
All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter.
The barman came over and said "Wha.. wh.. You just shot my friend!!!"
the panda calmly replied "Do you know what I am?"
"Why yes," the barman answered. "Your a panda."
"Good," the panda nodded "Now go home and look up 'panda' in the dictionary." And with that, the panda walked out of the bar.
The barman was a little unsure, however he was very eager to be enlighted on the subject of his friend's murder, so he went home to find his dictionary.
After a while, he found 'panda' and quickly read the definition:
PANDA:1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Pet Alligator
A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genital, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.
"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."
A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up, "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 2 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Pirate Joke
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?
"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well...", said the pirate, "...it was my first day with the hook."
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Pure
A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.
"No thank you." she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."
"That must be rather difficult." the man replied.
"Oh, I don't mind too much." she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 3 Rating: 3.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Purple Death
The following is a description of a New Zealand wine taken straight from the bottle word for word. (Anyone who has tried it will know that it is a mild description).
PURPLE DEATH (that is really the name)
An unusual 'Rough-as-Guts' aperitif that has the distinctive bouquet of horse-shit and old tram tickets. It is best drunk with the teeth clenched to prevent ingestion of any foreign bodies. Connoisseurs will savour the slight tannin taste of old tea leaves and burnt cat fur. Possessors of a cultivated palate will admire the initial assault on the taste buds which comes from the careful and loving blending of animal manure and perished jock straps strained through an old miner's sock. The maturing in small pigs' bladders gives it a very definite nose.
Marketed under the Saviour Brand (9 out of 10 people who drink it for the first time exclaim 'Je-e-esus Chri-ist').
Caution: Keep away from 'naked flames' (both old and new).
BOTTLED BY THE MAD SCIENTIST - JUST FOR FUN FOR SAPICH BROTHERS Forest Hill Road, Henderson, New Zealand
(Added: Wed Jan 29 2003 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Quarter
A guy walks into a bar and says to bartender give four shots of your best scotch right now. The bartender pours them up and sets them in front of the man. The man slams back all four of them one right after the other.
Bartender says "man you must be in a hurry "
The man says " you would be to if you had only twenty-five cents."
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Rover
A guy walks into a bar with his dog and says, "I'll have a Scotch and water and my dog would like a whiskey sour."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't allow animals in here." The dog replies, "Hey, I'm tired of being discriminated against. Just give me a drink."
The bartender says, "Oh, no, not another ventriloquist with the old talking dog trick. Both of you, get out of here!"
"No, no, no, this isn't a trick, I promise you," says the man, "I tell you what, I'll go for a walk around the block and you talk to Rover here."
The man leaves and the bartender sees him turn the corner. "Now, can I have my drink." says the dog.
The bartender is amazed. "Sure you can and it's on the house! Listen, can you do me a favor? My wife works next door at the cafe. It'll make her day if you go in and order a cup of coffee. Here's ten bucks and you can keep the change afterwards."
"Okay." says the dog and he takes the ten dollars and leaves.
Ten minutes go by and the dog doesn't come back. The owner returns and asks where is the dog. So both of them go off to see what happened to the dog. As they approach the cafe, they see Rover going at it hot and heavy with a French poodle in the alley between the bar and cafe. The owner shouts, "Rover! What are you doing! You've never done this before!"
The dog shrugged. "Hell, I've never had any money before."
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Scotch Please
A bartender asks a guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?"
"A scotch, please." The guy replied.
The bartender gives him the drink and says, "That's five dollars." "What are you talking about?" the man replies. "I don't owe you anything for this."
The fellow sitting next to him at the bar was a lawyer, who decided to get into the discussion. "You know," he tells the bartender, "he's got you there. In the original offer, constituting a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of payment."
The irritated bartender says to the first guy, "Fine. You beat me for a drink. But I don't ever want to see you in here again."
The following day, the very same guy comes back into the bar. The bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I told you not to come back!"
The guy replies, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place before in my life!"
The bartender looks confused. "I'm sorry then, but this is really weird. You must have a double."
The man immediately replies, "Thank you very much! Make it a scotch."
(Added: Wed Jan 29 2003 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Signs that you may be a drunk!
*** Signs that you "just might" have a drinking problem. ***
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Your job is interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?? I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth ... now THAT'S a drinking problem!
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
Every woman you see has an exact twin.
You fall off the floor.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger -- forget dinner!
The glass keeps missing your mouth.
Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
Mosquitoes catch a buzz* after biting you.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in.
"Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol."
You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.
"BeerTender! Get me another Bar!"
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 3 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Six times Six
A woman goes into a bar real depressed and uses her last 10 dollars to buy a drink. All of a sudden she gets an idea that she knows will solve her problems.
She takes her change and goes to the man at the end of the bar and says, " Mister, I'm broke and my landlord said if I dont give him the rent money first thing in the morning, I'm out of a place to live. I'll bet you my last five dollars that i can come up with a rhyme that you can't come up with a reply to."
The man wanting to help her says ok go ahead.
So she tells him, "six times six is thirty-six and three is thirty-nine. I can tell the length of yours but you can't tell the depth of mine."
The man scratches his head and says, "your right, I can't top that." and he pays her the five dollars.
Then she goes to the next man and the next until she has beat every man in the bar. So she goes to the next bar and starts betting 100 at a time. She does this at every bar on the block until she has 3,000 dollars. Deciding thats enough she heads for home.
On her way she meets a bum in an alley and decides to have a little fun. So she tells the bum that she will bet her 3,000 dollars against his bottle of booze that she can tell him a ryhme to wich he cant come up with a reply. The bum figures what the heck and says "your on"
Six times six is thirty-six and three is thirty-nine, I can tell the length of yours but you can't tell the depth of mine.
The bum sits back, thinks for a minute and says "six times six is thirty-six and three is thirty-nine, I can piss in yours but you can't piss in mine!!"
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Slammin 'em down!
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodka."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife!"
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Stages of Drunkenness
Stage 1 - SMART
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.
Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.
Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.
(Added: Wed Jan 29 2003 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Strong Drunk
At the end of the night a man leaves the bar.
Outside he sees a nun. He walks over to her and slaps her in the face. Then he punches her in the stomach and knocks her over.
He proceeds to kick her several times and when he's done he bends down to her and says, "not so tough tonight, are you Batman?"
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Taxidermist
A guy walks into a bar in Oklahoma and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"
The guy says nervously, "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us!"
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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The best bar in the world...
A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a good place.
Then the American says, "Yeah,that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"
"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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The Cellar
I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in the cellar and my wife insisted I empty the contents of each bottle down the sink, or else... After careful consideration, I reluctantly agreed and finally proceeded with the unpleasant task.
I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. Then, I withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.
I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then, I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.
I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get. I'm not drunk you shilly sit! …
(Added: Wed Jan 29 2003 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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The Fight!
Kelly limps into his favorite pub...
My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
"I got in a tiff with Riley", whispered Kelly to the beertender.
"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said surprised.
"He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."
"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"
"Aye, that I did - Mrs. Riley's right tit." Kelly said.
"And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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The owner of a bar
The owner of a bar is just locking up for the night when there is a knock at the door. He opens the door and there's a snail sitting on the doorstep.
''What do you want?'' asks the owner.
''I want a beer,'' says the snail.
''First of all, we're closed, and second of all, we don't serve snails. So go away!''
The snail begs and pleads for a beer. The owner finally gets fed up, kicks the snail, and slams the door.
ONE YEAR LATER....
The owner of a bar is just locking up for the night when there is a knock at the door. He opens the door and there's a snail sitting on the doorstep.
''What'd you do that for?'' asks the snail.
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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The Piano Player
A man walks into a bar and sits down. He notices a foot-tall piano player playing up a storm.
Man: Hey, this guy's really good! Where'd you get him?
Barkeep: Oh, I have a magic lamp that gives me anything I want.
Man: Can I try?
Barkeep: Sure just rub it and say what you want.
Man (rubbing the lamp): I wish for ten thousand bucks.
* Ten thousand ducks appear *
Man: What the hell happened? I asked for 10,000 BUCKS, not DUCKS!
Barkeep: Think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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The Telepathic Watch!
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"Oh really? What's it telling you now?" she inquires.
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"
And the man starts tapping on the watch face and says,
"Damn thing must be an hour fast!"
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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