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Hot Shot Reporter
A hot shot East Coast newspaper reporter was on assignment in Arkansas, when he struck up a conversation with a young lady in a bar. After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own bottle and retire to his motel room, and she readily agreed.
"Say, how old are you anyway?" the reporter asked as the obviously young lass was disrobing.
"Thirteen," she replied with a shy smile.
"Thirteen??? My God, girl! You get those clothes back on at once at get the hell outta here! Are you crazy?" he thundered.
Pausing briefly at the door as she left, the perplexed nymphet smiled and said, "Superstitious, huh?"
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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How Many Bars
A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch ,asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him? The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar.He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?
(Added: Wed Jan 29 2003 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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How Old Scotch?
Angus McClod walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of forty-year old Scotch. The bartender, not wanting to go down to the basement and deplete his supply of the rare and expensive liquor, pours a shot of ten-year Scotch and figures that his customer won't be able to tell the difference. Angus downs the Scotch and says: "My good man, that Scotch is only ten years old. I specifically asked for forty-year old Scotch."
Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath the bar and pulls out a bottle of twenty-year old Scotch and pours the man a shot.
The customer drinks it down and says, "That was twenty-year old Scotch. I asked for forty-year old Scotch."
So the bartender goes into the back room and brings out a bottle of thirty-year old Scotch and pours the customer a drink. By now a small crowd has gathered around the man and is watching anxiously as he downs the latest drink.
Once again Angus states the true age of the Scotch and repeats his original request for forty-year old Scotch.
The bartender can hold off no longer and disappears into the cellar to get a bottle of prime forty-year old Scotch. Soon, the bartender returns with the bottle and pours a shot.
Angus downs the Scotch and says, "Now this is forty-year old Scotch!"
The crowd applauds his discriminating palate.
An old drunk who had been watching the proceedings with interest, raises a full shot glass of his own: "I bet you think you're real smart," slurs the drunk. "Here, take a swig of this."
Rising to the challenge, Angus takes the glass and downs the drink in one swallow. Immediately, he chokes and spits out the liquid on the barroom floor.
"My God!" Angus exclaims. "That tastes like piss!"
"Great guess," says the drunk. "Now, how old am I?"
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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How to Identify a Lesbian Bar
Q: How do you know that you are in a real lesbian bar?
A: Not even the pool table has balls.
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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I Bought Something for
The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.
"Do you realize what time it is?" she asked.
He answered, "Don't get excited. I'm late because I bought something for the house."
Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she asked, "What did you buy for the house, dear?"
His answer was, "A round of drinks!"
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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I Need a Drink
Woman walks into a bar . . . totally nude and asks the barkeep if he can serve her a drink.
He looks her up and down and says, "Well sure, but it doesn't appear by the your appearance that you'll be able to pay for it."
The woman throws one leg up on a bar stool and shows what she's got, "Will this do?" she asks.
The barkeep takes a look and responds, "Ya got anything smaller?"
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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I Need A Drink!
Woman walks into a bar . . . totally nude and asks the barkeep if he can serve her a drink.
He looks her up and down and says, "Well sure, but it doesn't appear by the your appearance that you'll be able to pay for it."
The woman throws one leg up on a bar stool and shows what she's got, "Will this do?" she asks.
The barkeep takes a look and responds, "Ya got anything smaller?"
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Iowan Visits Arkansas
This guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine.
Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"
The guy says "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 3 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Is It Time to go Home
1. Your 'Imbruglia' hairdo has turned into a 'Bronwyn Bishop' .... and you've stopped caring.
2. You have absolutely no idea where you're shoes are.
3. The "Chicken Dance Song" seems like a really good tune.
4. You mistake a police car from a cab and shout obscenities when it doesn't stop for you.
5. You've started having a row with yourself. Out loud.
6. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies loo because you tried twice and ended up on the floor on your bum.....And it was wet.
7. You bump into people on their way to work.
8. You keep dancing into people and you've fallen off the podium - twice.
9. They've stacked all the chairs and turned the lights on.
10. You've been flashing your boobs at passers by.
11. Creme De Menthe, Advocaat or Grenadine suddenly seem to be viable drink options.
12. You start crying.
13. You can't stop.
14. There are less than three hours before you're due to start work.
15. You've found a deeper side to the office nerd.
16. The man you're pashing used to be your 5th grade teacher.
17. The urge to take all your clothes off, stand on a table and sing "Fever" become strangely overwhelming.
18. You've forgotten where you live.
19. You seem to be seeing more of the toilet bowl than the dance floor.
20. You've just sung "I'm horny, horny horny horny ..." to a passing police man.
21. You notice that there's vomit on your dress and suspect that it's yours.
22. You've started to sound like Tommy Raudonikis from the 60 fags you've smoked.
23. You keep missing your mouth with your drink.
24. You can't taste the gin in your gin and tonic.
25. You think you're in bed but your pillow feels strangely like pizza.
26. You tell your worst enemy that you've always loved her really.
27. The stairs take on the appearance of that really really really steep slippery dip at Luna Park.
28. You've started offering 'oral pleasure' to any male who'll listen.
29. You start every conversation with, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."
30. You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.
31. You challenge the doorman to an arm wrestling competition.
32. You have to be restrained from 'stage-diving' from the top of the stairs.
33. You're sitting on the floor. On your own.
34. You show your mates that girls can wee standing up if they really want to.
35. You decide to audition for 'StarSearch' via the security cameras.
36. You rediscover your childhood gymnastic skills. On Hay Street.
37. You realise why you gave up gymnastics.
38. You think three blokes are chatting you up when there's actually only one.
39. You drop your 3am burger on the floor, pick it up and carry on eating.
40. The entire club has seen your pants. Twice
41. Most of them against their will.
42. You can't see you own face to reapply your long gone make-up. And you have profoundly discovered that your mascara tastes like chicken.
(Added: Wed Jan 29 2003 Hits: 3 Rating: 4.00 Votes: 2) Rate It
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Jar of Olives
McPherson walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse me," said another bar patron, who was puzzled over what McPherson had done. "What was that all about?"
"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife sent me out for a jar of olives."
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 4 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Jelly Bean and Smartie
Jelly Bean walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie.
After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, do you fancy going to that new club in town?" and the Jelly Bean says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in."
So Smartie says "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you." So Jelly Bean says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me." and off they went.
After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under a table, the Lockets take one look at Jelly Bean and start kicking him, punching him and generally having a laugh.
After a while they get bored and walk out. Jelly Bean pulls his battered Jelly Bean body over to the table and wipes his Jelly Bean blood up and turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look after me?"
"I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are menthol!"
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 3 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Just idle conversation...
A bored guy sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation.
He turns to bartender and says, "Hey, about those Democrats in the Congress . .."
"STOP pal - I don't allow talk about politics in my bar!" interrupted the bartender.
A few minutes later the guy tried again, "People say about the Pope ..."
"NO religion talk, either," the bartender cuts in.
One more try to break the boredom..." I thought the Yankees would..."
"NO sports talk...That's how fights start in bars!" the barman said.
"Look, how about sex. Can I talk to you about sex?"
"Sure, that we can talk about", replies the barkeep.
"GREAT... GO SCREW YOURSELF!"
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 4 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Just Lays There
A guy walks into a bar, and sees his best friend sitting there, getting drunk.
When he asks what the problem is, the friend says "When I make love to my wife, she just lays there. I've tried everything, but she doesn't moan, doesn't scream, doesn't even move"
The guy pats his friend on the back and says "Yeah, she does that with me, too."
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Just Lays There!
A guy walks into a bar, and sees his best friend sitting there, getting drunk.
When he asks what the problem is, the friend says "When I make love to my wife, she just lays there. I've tried everything, but she doesn't moan, doesn't scream, doesn't even move"
The guy pats his friend on the back and says "Yeah, she does that with me, too."
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Lager Prayer
Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
I will be drunk,
At home as it is in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, The bitter, The lager.
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Levitating Beer
These two strangers are having a drink at a bar. The one orders a beer and drinks it down rightaway and then sighs with pleasure. He immedietly walks over to the window jumps out and floats to the ground. A minute later he walks back in and sits down next to the stranger. The stranger can't believe what he just saw and asks for an explanation. The other man explains that when ever he drinks this certain kind of beer it makes him feel so good he feels like floating. The stranger has heard enough and orders the same beer and drinks it right down goes over to the window and jumps out, splatt!!! The bartender looks over at the guy left at the bar and says, "Superman sometimes you're such an ass".
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Like Woman?
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Like Women?
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 4 Rating: 3.00 Votes: 2) Rate It
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Loud And Rowdy
A group of loud and rowdy drunks were making a racket in the street. It was the wee small hours of the morning and the lady of the house flung open a window and shouted at them to keep quiet.
"Is this where Frank lives?" one of the drunks asked.
"Yes, it is," the woman replied.
"Well then," said the drunk, "Could you come and pick him out so the rest of us can go home?"
(Added: Wed Jan 29 2003 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Lunch
A very drunk man goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender serves him and asks him if he would like to try the bar game of darts. Three in the bullseye and win a prize.. Only a dollar for three darts.
The drunk agrees and throws the first dart. A bullseye!! Downs another drink, takes aim on wobbly feet, lets go...Two bulls eyes!!!! Two more quick drinks go down. Barely able to stand, he lets go with the last dart.
Three bulls eyes!!!
All are astounded. No one has ever won. The bartender searches for a prize... grabs a turtle from the bar's terrarium and presents it to the drunk as his prize.
Three weeks pass... The drunk returns and orders more drinks, then announces he would like to try the dart game again. To the total amazement and wonderment of all the local drunks, he scores three more bulls eyes and demands his prize.
The bartender, being a sort of drunk himself, and a bit short of memory, doesn't know what to give, and he asks the drunk " Say, what did you win the last time?"
And the drunk responds "A roast beef sandwich on a hard roll!"
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 4 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Lunch
A very drunk man goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender serves him and asks him if he would like to try the bar game of darts. Three in the bullseye and win a prize.. Only a dollar for three darts.
The drunk agrees and throws the first dart. A bullseye!! Downs another drink, takes aim on wobbly feet, lets go...Two bulls eyes!!!! Two more quick drinks go down. Barely able to stand, he lets go with the last dart.
Three bulls eyes!!!
All are astounded. No one has ever won. The bartender searches for a prize... grabs a turtle from the bar's terrarium and presents it to the drunk as his prize.
Three weeks pass... The drunk returns and orders more drinks, then announces he would like to try the dart game again. To the total amazement and wonderment of all the local drunks, he scores three more bulls eyes and demands his prize.
The bartender, being a sort of drunk himself, and a bit short of memory, doesn't know what to give, and he asks the drunk " Say, what did you win the last time?"
And the drunk responds "A roast beef sandwich on a hard roll!"
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Manhattan with a Plum
A girl walks into a bar and asks for a manhattan with a plum in it.
The bartender says, "You mean a cherry."
She says, "No, I mean a plum."
The bartender says, "Look lady, I've been tending bar for 20 years and you're the first person that's ever asked for a manhattan with a plum. Where did you ever get that idea?"
She said, "Well, about 3 years ago I lost my cherry, and I've been plumb crazy ever since!"
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Milking Cow
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that's so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Hmmm...
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.....
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Milking Cow
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that's so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Hmmm...
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.....
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 3 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Monkey
A guy walks into a bar with a monkey and orders a drink for himself. The bartender looks at the monkey and says to the guy, "Hey, we have health standards here, get that monkey out of here!"
"Aw," says the guy, "He's Okay. I'll pay for any damages that he makes."
Ill at ease, the bartender agrees. After a few minutes, the monkey jumps from the bar over to the pool table, grabs the cue ball and swallows it.
"That's it!" the bartender screams, "Get that monkey out of here!"
"Hey," says the guy, "it's Okay. Look, I'll pay you for the cue ball and leave."
The guy drops a bill on the bar, gathers his monkey and leaves.
Two weeks later, the same guy with the same monkey show up at the same bar. The bartender, remembering the incident, says, "Listen buddy, are you going to keep your monkey in line?"
"Yeah," says the guy, "don't worry about any cue balls."
After a few minutes the monkey runs across the bar to a bowl of grapes and grabs one. He looks at the grape for a minute or two and promply shoves it up his rear end. Sitting there for a while, he then proceeds to eat the grapes one by one.
"That has to be the grossest thing I ever saw in my life," says the bartender.
"Yeah," says the guy, "but after the cue ball, he began to size everything he eats."
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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