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Crawling Home
A guy was sitting in a bar, drinking away. Suddenly he says to the bartender, "I have to go home or the wife will be mad".
(at this point he was loaded drunk)
He climbed down from the bar stool, and fell flat on his face. The man then said "I can't walk and I didn't have that much to drink?".
He gets up to give it another try, this time the same thing happens and he falls flat to his face. He says "I have to get home some way or the wife will kill me if I don't get home soon"!
He gets an idea of crawling home, so away he went crawling home. He crawled up to his apartment and slowely snuck into bed with his wife trying not to wake her.
The next morning he woke up to see his wife running in the room. She said "you were out drinking again last night weren't you!"
The man replied with "NO WAY!"
And the wife said "YOU LIAR!
The bartender just called and said you left your wheelchair at the club again last night"!
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 3 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Crying in His Beer
There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half-an-hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking abo ut putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 2 Rating: 4.50 Votes: 2) Rate It
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Cybernetic Implants
Roger sits down at the counter of his local bar. "Bartender," he says, "give me the bottle of your strongest whiskey."
The bartender laughs, "Sure thing, pal, $150."
He hands Roger the bottle, who instantly begins guzzling it down.
"My God!" said the bartender, "I've never seen anyone drink whisky that fast!"
"Well," said Roger, "I'm actually part of a new medical experiment, you see I have a series of cybernetic implants designed to allow me to handle any amount of alcohol very quickly."
"Is that so?" said the bartender.
"Yes," said Roger, suddenly there is a loud buzzing from his chest.
"That's my metal stomach, codenamed old clanker, adding it to my bloodstream." Another low humming now. "That's my cyborg liver, codenamed old trusty, processing the whiskey." A high pitched whistle came from Roger's lower torso. "That is my titanium kidney, codenamed old bean."
Suddenly, a man in a mask with a gun bursts through the door.
"Alright, this is a robbery," he shouts, pointing his gun at the bartender, "all the money, NOW!" Everyone in the bar is terrified, with the exception of Roger, who turns to face the robber on his stool. All of a sudden, a deep rumbling shakes the bar. Roger's fly bursts open and a yellow geyser rushes forth, throws the robber out the door, across the street, and into a brick wall.
The bartender shouts, awestuck, "What the hell was that?"
Roger smiles, "That was the last implant I got, codenamed old faithful."
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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D.... Bag
A drunk man walks into a bar and orders a drink. While he waits for the bartender to mix his cocktail, he notices a woman alone at the end of the bar. When his drink comes, he says, "Hey b-b-b-artender. Give that douche bag at the end of the bar a drink for me."
The bartender tells the drunk to keep his voice down, but the drunk is belligerent. "Give that douche bag at a drink, dammit!" he shouts.
The bartender becomes angry. "Sir, I will not permit you to sit here and call the lady names."
The drunk persists. "For the last time, bartender, bring me my drink and give that douche bag down there a drink, too!"
Attempting to quell the growing disturbance, the bartender approaches the woman and apologizes for the behavior of the drunk. "The gentleman insists upon buying you a drink, ma'am. What can I get for you?"
The woman replies, "Oh,... I'll have a vinegar and water, please!"
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Dead Duck
There was this duck that walked into a bar and sat down in a stool and the bartender said, "can I help you"?
The duck said, "quack quack quack got any raisons?"
The bartender said, "NO! This is a bar and we dont sell raisons."
The duck walked out and then he came in the next day and sat in the very same stool!
The bartender walked over and asked him if he could help him?
The duck said, "quack quack quack got any raisons?"
The bartender said, "NO this is a BAR we dont sell raisons!"
So the duck walked out again and left. He came back the next day and sat in the same stool once again!
The duck yelled at the bartender, "quack quack quack got any raisons?"
The bartender said, "NO. And if you come back here once more I am gonna nail your webbed feet to the ground and you are gonna die there."
The duck said, "ok", and left.
The next day came and sure enuf the duck came back except he only peeped his head inside the door. He said, "quack quack got any nails?"
The bartender replied, "No!!"
The duck said GOOD, then ya got any raisons?
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 2 Rating: 4.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Dead Duck
There was this duck that walked into a bar and sat down in a stool and the bartender said, "can I help you"?
The duck said, "quack quack quack got any raisons?"
The bartender said, "NO! This is a bar and we dont sell raisons."
The duck walked out and then he came in the next day and sat in the very same stool!
The bartender walked over and asked him if he could help him?
The duck said, "quack quack quack got any raisons?"
The bartender said, "NO this is a BAR we dont sell raisons!"
So the duck walked out again and left. He came back the next day and sat in the same stool once again!
The duck yelled at the bartender, "quack quack quack got any raisons?"
The bartender said, "NO. And if you come back here once more I am gonna nail your webbed feet to the ground and you are gonna die there."
The duck said, "ok", and left.
The next day came and sure enuf the duck came back except he only peeped his head inside the door. He said, "quack quack got any nails?"
The bartender replied, "No!!"
The duck said GOOD, then ya got any raisons?
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Definately
the teacher says to the class that she wants a sentence with the word "definately" in it so little sam says
"the sky is definately blue miss".
the teacher replies
"no sam its not because there are white clouds sometimes".
next tommy says
"the grass is always green miss".
the teacher replies
"no tommy because sometimes it is brown when it dies"
then at the back of the class billy says
" is a fart lumpy miss".
"no billy why?" the teacher replies.
" in that case then have definately shit myself then miss".
(Added: Fri Jan 31 2003 Hits: 3 Rating: 2.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Different Perspective
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!"
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Donkey Woman!
A guy and his wife walked into a bar one day, the wife takes a seat and the guy goes up to the bar.
The barman goes over to the guy and asks him what he wants, the guy replies", I'll have a bottle of bud and an orange juice for the jackass".
The barman looks at the guy puzzled but say's nothing and gives the guy his drink. this happens twice more.
A couple of hours pass and the guy goes to the mens room and his wife goes up to the bar. This time she orders the drinks.
The barman gets the drinks and says, "it's probably none of my business, but I think you should know that your husband has been referring to you as the jackass. I just had to tell you because I dont think it's very fair for him to call you that".
The woman turns to him and smiles and says...
"Oh, dont worry, it's ok - heaw, heaw, he always calls me that"!
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 2 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 2) Rate It
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Douche Bag
A drunk man walks into a bar and orders a drink. While he waits for the bartender to mix his cocktail, he notices a woman alone at the end of the bar. When his drink comes, he says, "Hey b-b-b-artender. Give that douche bag at the end of the bar a drink for me."
The bartender tells the drunk to keep his voice down, but the drunk is belligerent. "Give that douche bag at a drink, dammit!" he shouts.
The bartender becomes angry. "Sir, I will not permit you to sit here and call the lady names."
The drunk persists. "For the last time, bartender, bring me my drink and give that douche bag down there a drink, too!"
Attempting to quell the growing disturbance, the bartender approaches the woman and apologizes for the behavior of the drunk. "The gentleman insists upon buying you a drink, ma'am. What can I get for you?"
The woman replies, "Oh,... I'll have a vinegar and water, please!"
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 2 Rating: 1.71 Votes: 7) Rate It
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Downside to Happy Hour
-You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
-Your job is interfering with your drinking.
-Youre doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
-Career won't progress beyond the court.
-You sincerely believe alcohol to be to elusive 5th food group.
-Two hands and just one mouth - becoming a huge problem.
-You can focus better with one eye closed.
-The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
-You fall off the floor...
-Hey, five beers has just as many calories as a burger! Screw dinner!
- At AA meetings you begin with: "Hi, my name is ...uh ...".
-Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
- You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm
- Roseanne looks good.
- That damn pink elephant followed you home again.
(Added: Wed Jan 29 2003 Hits: 1 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Drinker's Alphabet
Drinker's Alphabet
A is for Alcohol :The key to surviving college
B is for Beer :The most disgusting alcohol of all, but great for chugging
C is for Class :What you're supposed to get up and go to after a Thursday night party
D is for Dancing :A favorite pastime of almost every drunk, usually looks pathetic
E is for Emergency :The keg is empty or there is no one over 21 in your drinking party
F is for Fucked-Up :Signified by leaning over a toilet puking your guts out
G is for Games :Anything that involves cards, dice and chugging beers
H is for Hang-over :Reminds you of how great last night was and how much you drank
I is for Idiot :The guy that spilled his beer on you and everyone else at the party
J is for Jail :Where you'll end up after trying to use a fake ID or stagger home
K is for Kissing :What you'll do to anything that moves after 15 beers
L is for Lord :Person you beg to get you out of every situation involving alcohol
M is for Money :That which you no longer have due to too much partying
N is for Not Again! :What you scream when you wake up beside someone you don't know
P is for Pee :What you have to do every five minutes while you're drinking beer
Q is for Quilt :What you puked on last night in bed and have to clean in the morning
R is for Reform :What you promise god you will do while you're puking in the toilet
S is for Sex :What you did with that person you met last night while you were drunk
T is for Ten :The number of beers it takes ME to get drunk
U is for Underage :Most of the drinking population in college town
V is for Vodka :The mother of all alcohols and the best way to get drunk in an hour
W is for Worm :The part of Tequila that reminds you of Biology class tomorrow
X is for X-Ray :How they can see into your stomach before they pump it
Y is for Yourself :The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every week-end
Z is for Zoned :How you will be for the next 12 hours following drinking
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 1 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Drinking Bet
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
(Added: Wed Jan 29 2003 Hits: 2 Rating: 10.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Drinking Contest
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.
One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 2 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Drunk at the Fair
A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.
He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after trying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bullseyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a turtle.
The drunk wandered off into the crowd. An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bullseyes and was given another turtle.
Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored three bullseyes. But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight.
"That's fantastic", the man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?"
The showman, cursing his luck, made a play of going over to the target and inspecting it closely. "Yes Sir!" , he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware"
"I don't want any bloody glasses", the drunk replied. "Give me another one of those delicious crusty meat pies".
(Added: Wed Jan 29 2003 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Drunk Date
A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer which he then proceeds to drink half of. The other half he pours on his left hand. He orders another beer and does the same. He continues to do this for several beers at which point the bartender can no longer stand the suspense and asks him what he's doing to which he replies, "I'm getting my date drunk."
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 2 Rating: 3.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Drunk Date
A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer which he then proceeds to drink half of. The other half he pours on his left hand. He orders another beer and does the same. He continues to do this for several beers at which point the bartender can no longer stand the suspense and asks him what he's doing to which he replies, "I'm getting my date drunk."
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 2 Rating: 1.50 Votes: 2) Rate It
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Drunk Driver?
A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes.
When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off.
When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0.
The cop says, 'How is this possible?' The guy says,'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Drunk Jerk
A man walks into a bar on the top floor of a skyscraper. He sits down and orders a beer. After taking a drink he sees the guy next to him go over to the window and jump out!
"Holy cow! Did you see that!? That guy just jumped out the window!"
The bartender does nothing.
So the man takes another sip. A minute later the same guy walks in, orders another drink, chugs it, and jumps out the window again.
"Jesus! He just jumped again!"
The bartender ignores the man.
So the man sits puzzled. The guy comes back into the bar, and orders another drink.
"How did you survive that jump?".."I ordered a floatie drink, if you drink it in a certain amount of time, you can float."
So the guy quickly orders a 'floatie' drink. He takes it from the bartender, and chugs it. He then jumps out the window and...SPLAT! Right on the sidewalk!
The Bartender then says, "You know, Superman...you can be a real jerk when you're drunk."
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Drunk Jerk
A man walks into a bar on the top floor of a skyscraper. He sits down and orders a beer. After taking a drink he sees the guy next to him go over to the window and jump out!
"Holy cow! Did you see that!? That guy just jumped out the window!"
The bartender does nothing.
So the man takes another sip. A minute later the same guy walks in, orders another drink, chugs it, and jumps out the window again.
"Jesus! He just jumped again!"
The bartender ignores the man.
So the man sits puzzled. The guy comes back into the bar, and orders another drink.
"How did you survive that jump?".."I ordered a floatie drink, if you drink it in a certain amount of time, you can float."
So the guy quickly orders a 'floatie' drink. He takes it from the bartender, and chugs it. He then jumps out the window and...SPLAT! Right on the sidewalk!
The Bartender then says, "You know, Superman...you can be a real jerk when you're drunk."
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Drunk Test
A drunk is refused a drink in a bar, so he undertakes to prove to the barman that he is sober.
He gestures toward a cat near the doorway and says, "You see that cat coming in the door? It has two eyes. If I were drunk, I'd see four!"
The bartender looks, then pauses a moment. Finally he responds, "You're drunker than I thought!", taking the rest of the alcohol away, "That cat isn't coming in, it's going out!"
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 2 Rating: 3.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Drunk Words
Difficult words to say when you are drunk......
* Innovative
* Preliminary
* Proliferation
Impossible words to say when you are drunk.....
* Thanks, but I dont want sex
* No, I dont want another drink
* No Kebab for me, thanks
* Sorry, but you are not quite good looking enough for me
* Good evening officer
(Added: Wed Jan 29 2003 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Drunk, Go Home!
A really sloppy drunk is draped over the bar. The bartender tells him, "OK, you've had enough. I'm not going to serve you anymore, so get out of here and go home."
The drunk leaves the bar. Ten minutes later the drunk comes back in through the back door. The bartender tells him, "I told you to go home, I'm not serving you anything more, you've had enough, now go home."
The drunk leaves again.
Ten minutes later the drunk comes back in through a side door. Again, the bartender tells him, "Man, I told you, you're wasted. I'm not serving you anymore, now go home, you've had enough."
Again, the drunk leaves.
Fifteen minutes later the drunk comes back through another side door. The bartender says, "What the hell is the matter with you? I keep telling you, you've had enough already, and I'm not going to serve you anymore, now go home!"
The drunk looks up at the bartender and asks, "How many places do you work at?"
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Dying Wives!
"I was married 3 times" explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, "and I'll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull."
"That's a shame." said his friend , "How did it happen?"
"She wouldn't eat the mushrooms!"
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Excuses
1991 -- A Montana State University chemistry professor claimed in March that he was wrongfully accused of being drunk after an accident (which occurred while he was on work-release for a previous (drunk driving sentence). While a state trooper found him "highly intoxicated," the professor said a chemical explosion in his lab caused him to smell and act drunk and that his statement to the trooper about having consumed a six-pack of beer was merely incoherent babbling" because of the trauma of the accident.
1992 -- Steven L. Johnson, 40, sentenced to two years in prison in Brookings, S.D., in April for drunk driving, explained to the judge: "I enjoyed drinking while driving. It's one of the most pleasurable habits I've had."
1993 -- Only days apart, two Wisconsin men arrived in court drunk for their trials on drunken-driving charges. Both denied they had been drunk while driving, and both denied they were drunk in the courtroom. James Heard had a 0.26 blood-alcohol level on his trial day in Milwaukee, and John Newbury registered 0.22 at his LaCrosse trial both more than double the 0.10 legal maximum.
1992 -- A jury in Tavares, Fla., convicted Leal Fleming, 45, of drunk driving in November despite his insistence that the reason he slurred his words to a police officer, and couldn't breathe into a machine,was that he had just been bitten on the tongue by a rat snake and was on his way to a hospital to get treatment for the swelling. Said Fleming after the trial, "After the verdict came in,I had some second thoughts [about not taking an offered plea bargain], but I still think there was a point to our defense."
1992 -- THE DIMINISHING VALUE OF LIFE In Miami in August, Levon Howard lost a shootout with his roommate Edwin Heyliger, who was charged with murder. Howard had broken into Heyliger's room,angry that someone had drunk his Kool-Aid, and in the ensuing argument, both scrambled for guns.
1991 -- In Romford, England, Philip Pyne, 51,off work last summer and intending to do some heavy drinking but worried that he might fall off his bar stool if he got too drunk, attempted to tack his legs onto the stool with nails but abandoned the idea in pain and called an ambulance.
1992 -- A pedestrian recently won a $600,000 judgment against Metro (the Washington, D.C., transportation authority) after being hit by a bus, despite the fact that he was drunk at the time and partying on a public street in a Batman costume. For the entire duration of the trial, the man's lawyer was able to suppress from the jurors' ears another fact about his client: At the time of the collision, for some reason, he was wearing a condom.
1991 -- St. Louis juror Frederick Pinkins was sentenced to three days in jail and a $700 fine for contempt of court in April after he missed final deliberations in a murder trial. He told the judge that the jury's discussion (in a lover's triangle case) depressed him so much that he got drunk and overslept.
1995 -- In May, over the opposition of state Sen. Joe Neal, the Nevada Senate passed a bill to prohibit people from carrying guns while drunk. Neal argued that the bill would hurt activities of gun clubs, some of which permit drinking during target-shooting socials.
1994 -- In February, William James Silva, 44,was arrested in San Jose, Calif., when he allegedly robbed a police decoy posing as a street corner drunk. It was the 550th time Silva had been arrested, and his record reaches 127 feet of computer paper. (According to police, before robbing the decoy, Silva had argued with a friend about whether the man was a police officer, with Silva insisting he wasn't.)
(Added: Wed Jan 29 2003 Hits: 2 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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