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2 Drummers
Two drummers walk into a bar . . . which is funny 'cause you would think the second one would have seen it coming!!
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 5 Rating: 2.66 Votes: 9) Rate It
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3 Bad Mice
Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were.
The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams another shot.
The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it."
And with that he slams another shot.
The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?"
The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to fuck the cat."
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 5 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 2) Rate It
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A drunk stammers out
A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, ''I'm Jesus Christ.''
The first priest says, ''No, son, I'm Jesus Christ.''
So the drunk says it to the second priest.
The second priest replies, ''No, son, I'm Jesus Christ.''
The drunk says, ''Look, I can prove it.'' and walks back into the bar with the priests.
The bartender takes on look at the drunk and exclaims, ''Jesus Christ, you're here again?''
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 4 Rating: 3.20 Votes: 5) Rate It
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Drinking for His Brothers
There were these three brothers that were very close to each other. The brothers always went to a local bar on every Friday at 5:30 on the dot.
When the brothers got married they all got married to their wifes to be on the same day and at the same place.
When the brothers moved away from each other to go on with their lives with their new wife, they all promised each other that they would still go to the bar every friday at 5:30 and drink for each other.
On the first Friday that the brothers were separated, the first brother went to a local bar and ordered three drinks. He took one sip from the first glass the took one sip from the second glass then from the third. He did this until all the beer was gone, then he paid the bartender and went home.
This kept up for about three week before the bartender finally asked why he did that. The guy explained about the promise that he had with his brothers. The bartender said that he thought that was a very good promise to keep with each other.
One day the same guy came in and asked for only two glasses of beer. The bartender thinking something awful has happened, said "I am awfully sorry about your brother."
The guy not knowing anything about what the bartender was talking about said "What happened to him?" The bartender said that when he only ordered two drinks instead of three he thought that something awful had happened.
The brother then said "No, nothing happened to my brother, I just decided to give up alcohol."
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 4 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Fastest Thing In The World
There were 4 guys sitting in a bar. One of them decided to play a little game about what each of them thought was the fastest thing in the world.
Well the first guy says, "I think a Concord Jet is the fastest thing in the world, because it can go faster than the speed of sound."
Well the second guy says, "Well I think I got you beat on that one! I think lightning is the fastest thing in the world, because it can go faster than the speed of light and sound."
Well the third guy says, "Well I believe i have both of you beat. The brain is the fastest thing in the world, because whenever you need something, it is right there for you."
Well the fourth guys clearly states, "Well I have got you all beat! I think the anal sphincter muscle is the fastest thing in the world."
The other three guys say really? Why's that?
And the fourth guys says, "Well I was on a Concord Jet, it got struck by lightning, and I didn't know what to do ... so I shit my pants!"
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 3 Rating: 2.67 Votes: 3) Rate It
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Ostrich & Pussy Cat
A man walked into a pub with an Ostrich and a Pussy Cat. He walked up the the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whisky for the cat". They found a table, sat down and drank their drinks.
Next it was the ostrichs round. He walked up to the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the man, whisky for the cat". He took the drinks back to the table and they drank them.
When it was the Cat's turn to buy, he told them to "Fuck off!"
So the man went back to the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich and whisky for the cat".
The Barman was curious about this and said "I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round but the cat hasn't. Why is this?".
The man replied, "I helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish".
"What did you wish for?" said the Barman.
"I wished for a long legged bird with a tight pussy!"
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 4 Rating: 2.50 Votes: 2) Rate It
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The Crying Horse
One day a guy walks into a bar. The bartender says "if you can make that horse over there laugh you can have free drinks for the rest of the night".
So he says "ok" and walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear and he starts laughing and the bartender gives him free drinks for the rest of the night.
The next night the same guy comes back in and the bartender says "if you can make that horse over there cry i will give you free drinks for the rest of the night.
So he walks over there and does something and the horse starts crying, and the bartender gives him free drinks. Then the bartender asks what the man did to make the horse laugh and what he did to make him cry.
The man says "To make him laugh I told him I had a bigger dick than he does and to make him cry I showed him".
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 4 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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The duck in the bar
A duck walks into a bar, sits down at the barstool, and waits for the bartender.
The bartender walks up, hands the duck a menu, waits a while, and comes back to take his order. "What'll it be?" the bartender says.
The duck says, "I think I'll have the grapes." "Well, I'm sorry sir, but this is a bar, we don't serve grapes here. Now, I'll let you look a bit longer and wave when you know what you want."
The duck looks at the menu, then waves the bartender down. "Ok, you got your order?" The duck nods, saying, "I'll think I'll have the grapes."
The bartender, kind of peeved from the duck, says, "Look Mac, we don't have any grapes here. This is a bar. We don't serve grapes, so what will you have?!"
The duck looks at him in the eyes and says, "I'll have the grapes."
The bartender, enraged, shouts, "If you ask for the grapes one more time I'm going to nail your feathered a** to the barstool!!"
The bartender cools off a bit. "Now what will you get?!" "Got any nails?" "OF COURSE WE DON'T HAVE ANY NAILS! WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS? AN APPLIANCE STORE?"
"Good, got any grapes?"
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 5 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 2) Rate It
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"Brrr!"
This guy walks into a pub with a gremlin sitting on his shoulder. He sits at the bar and orders a pint and a half of lager.
The gremlin downs his half-pint, runs long the bar, dips his head in a blokes beer and goes, "Brrr!".
The guy orders another pint and a half. The gremlin repeats the performance. The bloke grabs the gremlin by the neck, shakes him up a bit, and says, "Listen, if you ever do that again I'll cut yer balls off!"
The gremlin says, "Ain't got none!" "Well, I'll cut off yer prick!" "Ain't got one of them, neither." says the gremlin.
"Well, how do ya pee?"
The gremlin smiled and said, "Brrr!"
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 4 Rating: 3.00 Votes: 2) Rate It
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$2000
A man goes into a bar and sees a pile of cash on a table beneath a big sign that reads "$2,000 Cash Prize! See bartender for details." Keeping one eye on the stack of money, the man goes over and asks the bartender what he has to do to win the prize.
"You have to do three things and its all yours," the bartender says.
"Just three things?" the guy asks, rubbing his hands now and practically salivating at the thought of walking out of the bar $2,000 richer. "What are the three things?"
"Well," the bartender says, "first you have to go over to that 200-pound bouncer and knock him out. After that, I've got a mean-tempered pitbull in the backroom who needs a tooth pulled. Then you have to go and f**k the 80-year-old lady who lives upstairs."
"No problem," the guy says. He struts over to the bouncer and says, "Hey pal your shoelace is untied." When the bouncer looks down at his shoes, the man flattens him with a single, solid uppercut.
Next he heads to the back room where the pitbull is housed. The bartender can hear a tremendous commotion from the back room--it sounds like the pitbull has gone crazy.
After a few minutes the man emerges from the backroom, quite bloody and cut up and breathing heavily.
"Okay," he says, "where's the old broad that needs her tooth pulled??
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 4 Rating: 3.50 Votes: 2) Rate It
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20 Dollars
Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.
He says "Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me".
His friend says "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill".
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.
"You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself, my God you're disgusting" etc.
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Wait. It's not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He'd obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn't hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket."
She looks in his breast pocket and says, "But this is forty dollars".
"Ah, yes." says the man. "He shit in my trousers too".
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 3 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 3) Rate It
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200 More Dollars
A guy goes into a bar and goes up to the bartender. He says "I bet you 200 bucks I can piss in that glass in the corner and not spill a drop." The bartender agreed knowing he could never do it. So the man goes into the corner and pisses all ove everything even the bartender. So he walks back to the laughing bartender and the bartender says "I knew you couldn't do it." The man replies, "You can have your 200 dollars, I just bet those guys over there 2000 dollars that I could piss all over your place and you still would be laughing."
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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5 Stages of Drunkenness
Stage 1 - SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.
Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.
Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 4 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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7 Shots of Vodka!
Man goes to the bar and says "bartender, give me 7 shots of Vodka."
The bartender says "Ok, but pal you are gonna hurt yourself with that." The man says "Just pour them."
The man takes the first shot and the bartender says "Hey, you want to talk about it"? The man says "No!" and drinks the next 2 shots.
The bartender says "Come on and tell me about it I've got a good ear, that's why a lot of people come here for, to tell their troubles."
The man by then has finished the 7 shots and says "Ok, today was my first blowjob." The bartender says "Hey great, have another on the house."
The man says "No, if 7 doesn't get the taste out, nothing will!"
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 4 Rating: 3.67 Votes: 3) Rate It
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A canadian in a Texas bar...
A Canadian is on vacation and walks into a bar.
He sits on this HUGE stool and says to the bartender' man, I heard things are big down here in Texas, but this is ridiculas!' and orders a mug of beer.
He gets a pitcher of beer and asks the bartender, 'man, I heard that things are big down here in Texasm but this is ridiculas!' and goes about drinking his beer. He orders another and he gets really pissed drunk.
Well, not too long later, he has to go to the bathroom really, really bad so he asks the bartender, 'Where is your washroom???' The bartender says, down the hall, second door on the right.'
So the man climbs off the stool and stumbles down the hall and enters the second door to the left and falls in this huge swimming pool.
The man is struggling to stay afloat and screams 'DON'T FLUSH IT!!!
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 5 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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A guy sees a pretty lady at the
A guy sees a pretty lady at the end of the bar and is interested in buying her a drink. He tells the bartender that he will buy her another of whatever she is drinking. The bartender says ''OK, I'll pour it for her. But just for your information, she's a hooker. She'll do what you want for money.''
The drink gets delivered and the woman makes eyes at the guy, inviting him over. After a couple of minutes of chatting, the guy gets up the nerve to ask her: ''The bartender says you're a hooker, is that true?''
The woman says ''Yes. I do it for the money. In fact, I'll do anything for $200.''
The guy thinks for a minute and then pulls out $200, gives it to her and says ''Paint my house.''
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 4 Rating: 3.50 Votes: 2) Rate It
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A Guy Walks Into A Bar
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers... like a telephone... on his hand and talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here.
The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular."
The bartender says "Prove it."
The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible", says the bartender... "I would never have believed it!"
"Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return.
Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. There is the guy spread-eagle on the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.
"Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?"
The guy turns and says: "No, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax."
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 4 Rating: 3.20 Votes: 5) Rate It
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A guy walks into a bar and asks...
A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy go through a peculiar ritual. ''Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, happy birthday'' Each time he says the word he drinks the beer. Then he pays and walks out.
One year later he enters the bar again and orders the same thing. The bartender watches him go through the same ritual. Curious, he asks the bloke why.
''Well'' the guy says, ''I have a friend in Ireland and a friend in Australia. We have our birthdays on the same day. We can't be together so we have agreed that on this day we will each go into our local pub and have a round of drinks for each other. We have been doing this for 55 years since we were 18''
The next year the man comes in and asks the bartender for two beers. The bartender, a bit taken aback, places two beers in front of the guy and watches him say ''happy birthday, happy birthday!''
The bartender asks ''so which one died?''
''No one.''
''But you only ordered two drinks!''
''Yeah, well, I've given up drinking.''
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 4 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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A man goes into a bar
A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, ''What'll it be buddy?''
The man says, ''Set me up with five whiskey shots, and make 'em doubles.'' The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all five are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.
''You'd drink 'em this fast too if you had what I have.'', said the man.
The bartender hastily asks, ''What do you have pal?''
The man drunkenly replies, ''I have a dollar.''
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 4 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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A man is in a bar having a drink...
A man is in a bar having a drink. The guy next to him falls off of his barstool. The man picks up the guy and sits him back on the barstool, and he falls off again. This time he picks the guy up and asks, ''Where do you live?''
Being a kind soul, the man takes the guy to his car, puts him in the back seat, and drives him home. When they get to the guy's house, the man helps the guy out of the car, but he falls down 3 times before getting to the front door. The man rings the doorbell and the guy's wife comes to the door. The man says, ''Hello, I've brought your husband home.''
The wife looks at the man and asks, ''Where's his wheel chair?''
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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A Night Out
An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result.
He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face.
He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
(Added: Wed Jan 29 2003 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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A pig walks into a bar
A pig walks into a bar and says to the bartender ''Can I have a pint of beer please''
The bartender says ''Certainly sir, that's £1.80 please''
And the pig goes ''Well, the thing is before I cam here I'd just been to the fair and I went on all the rides, I went on the roundabout and I went round and round and round and then I went on the waltzes and I just went round and round and round and then I went on the helter skelter and I just kept going round and round and round and I think all my money must have fallen out of my pockets.''
And the bartender goes ''Well that's all very well but why the round tale/tail?''
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 3 Rating: 3.00 Votes: 4) Rate It
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A very shy guy goes
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, ''Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?''
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, ''No, I won't sleep with you tonight!'' Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, ''I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.''
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, ''What do you mean, $200?''
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 4 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Amazing
A man walks into a bar, sits down, and asks the bartender if he'd pay the guy $20 if he could show him the most amazing thing in his life. The bartender agrees, and the man pulls out a small white mouse and a tiny piano. The mouse starts to play old man river on the piano.
The bartender isn't quite amazed yet.
So, the man pulls out a bullfrog, who starts singing along to the mouse's playing.
The bartender admits that that is the most amazing thing he's ever seen, and gives the guy his $20.
Another guy sitting next to the man sees the frog and says "Wow, I will give you a thousand dollars right now for that frog!"
The man agrees, and sells him the frog.
After the man who bought the frog leaves, the bartender sez, "Man, you must be insane. That frog could have made you a fortune."
The man says, "Not really, the mouse is a ventroliquist too."
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 4 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Amazing Frog
A man walks into a bar, sits down, and asks the bartender if he'd pay the guy $20 if he could show him the most amazing thing in his life. The bartender agrees, and the man pulls out a small white mouse and a tiny piano. The mouse starts to play old man river on the piano.
The bartender isn't quite amazed yet.
So, the man pulls out a bullfrog, who starts singing along to the mouse's playing.
The bartender admits that that is the most amazing thing he's ever seen, and gives the guy his $20.
Another guy sitting next to the man sees the frog and says "Wow, I will give you a thousand dollars right now for that frog!"
The man agrees, and sells him the frog.
After the man who bought the frog leaves, the bartender sez, "Man, you must be insane. That frog could have made you a fortune."
The man says, "Not really, the mouse is a ventroliquist too."
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 3 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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