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3 Dogs
A young girl is wandering through a park in the pouring rain, when she comes across 3 dogs. Being a bit of an animal lover, she approaches them, bends down and starts to stroke one of them:
"Ah, you're lovely, aren't you?" she says to the first dog. "What's your name?"
To her surprise, the dog actually answers her, "My name's Huey, and I've had a great day going in and out of puddles."
Delighted with this discovery, she moves on to the next dog. "And what's your name then?"
Again, unbelievably, the 2nd dog answers her, "My name's Lewy, and I've had a great day going in and out of puddles."
And so she moves on to the last dog. "Let me guess," she says. "your name's Dewy, and you've had a great day going in and out of puddles."
"No," replies the last dog. "My name's Puddles, and I've had an awful day."
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 12 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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17 Parrots
An american, a russian, and a dane was discussing the differences between their countries. Pretty soon the general talking turned into general bragging about how terrific their respective countries where.
The Russian said, "Our navy is so big, that if we all sailed out at once, it would cover every ocean in the world."
The American, not wanting to let the Russian get the better of him, continued, "Well, our Air Force is so big that if all of our planes took off at once we could cover the sky all over the world."
The Dane thought for a while then said: "I once new a guy in Odense whose dick was so long that 17 parrots could sit on it at once."
They stood for a while not saying anything, until the Russian decided he might modify his bold statement a bit, "Well maybe the ships wouldn't cover ALL of the ocean."
The American, feeling the need for honesty as well said, "Well, maybe the planes wouldn't cover all of the sky either I guess."
The Dane stood there for a while thinking, and finally said, "Well, in all honesty the guy I knew might have lived a bit outside Odense actually."
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 10 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 2) Rate It
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2 snakes walk into a bar...
2 snakes walk into a bar, 1 snake says to the other ''why do humans measure us in inches?'' the other snake replies, ''cause we don't have any feet!!''
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 11 Rating: 2.00 Votes: 2) Rate It
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3 Little Pigs
Once upon a time, there were 3 little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig, and the brick pig.
One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pigs house and said, "I'm gonna huff, and puff and blow your house down." And he did! So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said " Let me in, please, the wolf just blew down my house!!" So the stick pig let the straw pig in.
Then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down!" And he did! The straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said "Let us in! The wolf just blew down our houses down and we're scared!!!" So the brick pig let them in.
The wolf caught up with them and said "I'm gonna huff, and puff and blow your house down." While he was huffing and puffing, the straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and called a friend.
A few minutes passed and all of a sudden this big black stretch limo drove up. Out came two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedoras. These huge pigs came over to the wolf and grabbed him by the neck and beat the living shit out of him. Then, One of them pulled out a gun and fired into the wolf's mouth. Then they left the wolf dead, got back into their limo and drove off. The straw pig and the stick pig were amazed!!! They asked the brick pig, "Who the hell were those guys?"
And the brick pig said "Oh, those are my cousins ...the Guinea Pigs."
(Added: Wed Jan 29 2003 Hits: 12 Rating: 2.88 Votes: 9) Rate It
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A baby polar bear asks
A baby polar bear asks his mother ''Mommy, am I 100% polar bear?'' The mother looks up in thought, and replies ''Well, your father is 100% polar bear, and I'm 100% polar bear, so I'd say yes, you're 100% polar bear.''
Not satisfied with this answer, the baby polar bear goes to his father and asks ''Daddy, am I 100% polar bear?'' The father pauses briefly, and responds ''Well, your mom's parents were both 100% polar bear, and my parents were both 100% polar bear, so yes, you're 100% polar bear.''
The father then looks at his son and says ''why do you ask?''
The son replies ''because I'm FUCKING FREEZING!!!!''
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 10 Rating: 3.67 Votes: 3) Rate It
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A carpet layer had just finished
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.
In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.
''No sense pulling up the entirefloor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway.''
''Now,'' she said, ''ifonly I could find my parakeet. ''
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 8 Rating: 2.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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A champion jockey is about
A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a
new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and
says, ''All you have to remember with this horse is that every
time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!'
really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that,
you'll be fine.''
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the
command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle.
The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the
horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey,
somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's
ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through
the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ''It's no good, I'll
have to do it,'' and yells, ''ALLLEEE OOOP!'' really loudly. Sure
enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This
continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier
problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The
jockey replies, ''Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody
horse. What is he--deaf or something?''
The trainer replies, ''Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!''
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 9 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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A man has a new job
A man has a new job as a zookeeper. The head zookeeper tells him that if an animal dies round here then you will have to pay for them.
His first stop is a bird house and he finds 200 finches dead. The zookeeper looks on the chart on the cage which reads $1 a bird. The zookeeper cant afford that so he throws all the dead finches into the lions cage for the lion to eat.
His next stop is the ape house and he finds 10 chimps dead. He looks on the chart on the cage which reads $10 per chimp. He cant afford so much money so he throws them in the lion cage for the lion to eat.
His final stop is the bee hives. He finds 1000 bees dead. He looks on the chart and it reads a dime per bee. Knowing he cant afford such money, he mashes all the bees into a ball and throws them in the lion cage for the lion to eat.
The next day a new lion comes into the cage.
''whats the food like'' He asks
''Its not bad'' Says the lion ''Yesterday we had finch, chimps and mushy bees!''
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 12 Rating: 3.00 Votes: 2) Rate It
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A sergeant-major in the Paras
A sergeant-major in the Paras was giving a lecture to some raw recruits.
''If you want to be part of this regiment,'' he shouted at them, ''then you need to have COMMITMENT! What do you need?''
''COMMITMENT, sergeant-major!'' the recruits all shouted back.
''Right, I shall now demonstrate my COMMITMENT to this regiment.''
The sergeant-major then ordered one of the men to open a nearby door. Almost as soon as the squaddie turned the handle, the door was pushed open and in slithered a ten-foot-long alligator, snarling and snapping. The sergeant-major then undid his belt and dropped his trousers. Almost as soon as he did so, the alligator ran up and sank his teeth right into the sergeant-major's love truncheon. The sergeant-major barely winced. ''This,'' he shouted. ''is what we in the Parachute Regiment call COMMITMENT!'' He weaited several seconds more to make his point and then swiftly jabbed the alligator in both eyes with his fingers.
The alligator flipped over on his back, jumped up, and ran into the corner of the office, glaring angrily at the sergeant-major.
''That, you 'orrible bunch, is what we in the Paras call COMMITMENT. Now which one of you 'orrible little men is ready to demonstrate his COMMITMENT?''
There was much shuffling of feet and murmuring until finally one young lad stepped forward. ''I, will sergeant-major,'' he said ''but you've got to promise not to poke me in the eyes.''
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 8 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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A sparrow decides that it is
A sparrow decides that it is too hard a flight to go south in the winter and refuses to migrate when the other birds leave.
Winter sets in and finally gets so bad that even the sparrow realizes he needs to head south. But he is no sooner in flight than ice forms on his wings and he falls to the ground. There on the cold, hard ground he is freezing to death until a cow comes by and flops on him. The warm of the cow's droppings began to warm him up and he feels so good he jumps up and starts singing. The farm cat hears him and pulls him out of his messy condition, cleans him up and eats him! The morals of this story are:
[1] Not everybody who shits on you is your enemy.
[2] Not everybody who gets you out of shit is your friend.
[3] If, and when, you do get out of shit keep your mouth shut!
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 12 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Alligator Shoes
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home,when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Rats, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
(Added: Wed Jan 29 2003 Hits: 12 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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An Elephant Never Forgets
A man recently bought a bull elephant for 50 grand. He decided to make big bucks out of the elephant. He trained the elephant not to jump no matter what then he set up a challenge to make the elephant jump. The prize money was 10 grand. To play this game, the challenger must pay 1 grand to the guy before playing. Lots of people came and tried all sorts of tricks to make the elephant jump but without success. Until the a guy show up and decided to take up this challenge. He paid the elephant owner 1 grand and went to his car and took out a golf club. He held the club behind him and walked around the elephant. After walking around the elephant a few times, he stopped right behind the elephant. He raised his club and swung as hard as he could right smack between the elephant's hind legs. Being a bull elephant, it leaped twenty feet into the air and landed with a crash. The elephant owner, disgusted with the elephant's performance, paid the guy with the golf club his 10 k. After that, the elephant owner decided to create another challenge. The prize money was now double but so was fee required to pay. This time, the challenge was to make the elephant shake it's head. Again, lots of people came to make the elephant shake it's head and they all failed until the same guy with the golf club came again. He paid the elephant owner 2 grand and once again took out his golf club. Once again, the guy with the golf club walked aroung the elephant. This time, he stopped in front of the elephant. "Hello." The guy said. "Remember me?" The elephant nodded. "Remember this golf club?" The guy asked, showing the elephant his glof club. The elephant nodded. "Remember what I did to you the last time?" The elephant nodded nervously. Then the guy said "DO YOU WANT ME TO DO IT AGAIN?!"
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 10 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Animal Football
The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. "I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I've seen it on T.V."
He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.
The lion's team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.
Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 - 0.
Late in the first half the lion's team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion's team led at halftime 7 - 6. In the locker room, the lion gave a peptalk.
"Look you guys. We can win this game. We've got the lead and they only have one real threat. We've got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he's a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino."
The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino's team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty yard line, he dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.
"Did you do this?" he asked the centipede.
"Yeah, I did." the centipede replied.
The lion retorted, "Where were you during the first half?"
"I was putting on my shoes."
(Added: Wed Jan 29 2003 Hits: 10 Rating: 3.33 Votes: 3) Rate It
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Attempted Murder
WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (The actual AP headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
And, yes, Linda is a blonde.
(Added: Wed Jan 29 2003 Hits: 10 Rating: 1.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Attempted Suicide
A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well I was trying to commit suicide" the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off???"
"No silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest.
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."
(Added: Wed Jan 29 2003 Hits: 9 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Baby Turtle
A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb. About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end. He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch. On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the bottom of the tree and with a sigh started to climb.
About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along, turned, spread his flippers and flung himself off the branch. Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of the tree, sighed and started climbing.
Watching these proceedings from the end of the branch were two little birds. Mummy bird turned to Daddy bird and said, "Don't you think it's time we told him he was adopted?"
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 8 Rating: 2.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Bad dog
Q) What do you call a dog with no legs?
A) It doesn't matter, he won't come!
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 8 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Bad Heart
Q: What do you do when a pig has a heartatack?
A: You call an hambulance!
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 8 Rating: 3.67 Votes: 3) Rate It
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Bad Heart
Q: What do you do when a pig has a heartatack?
A: You call an hambulance!
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 11 Rating: 3.10 Votes: 10) Rate It
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Bagging
This lady is shopping in a supermarket when she notices this handsome blonde muscular boy doing the bagging at one of the checkouts.
Making sure she goes through his line she leans over and asks if he'll carry her groceries out to which he responds, "Sure lady."
They no sooner get out of the store and she again leans over and whispers, "You know, I have an Itchy Pussy."
He responds, "You'll have to point it out to me lady, all those Japanese cars look alike!!"
(Added: Wed Jan 29 2003 Hits: 12 Rating: 4.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Bats
Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood.
One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."
"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."
The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave. When he returns, he is covered with blood.
The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"
The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"
"Yes," the other bat answers.
"Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."
(Added: Wed Jan 29 2003 Hits: 12 Rating: 1.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Bear & Rabbit
The bear looks at the rabbit and says,"Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"
The rabbits says,"No..."
So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 7 Rating: 3.00 Votes: 3) Rate It
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Bear & Rabbit
The bear looks at the rabbit and says,"Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"
The rabbits says,"No..."
So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.
(Added: Sat Feb 01 2003 Hits: 9 Rating: 2.00 Votes: 2) Rate It
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Bird Brain
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was furious!
She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and to get rid of the bird if they didn't do something about it. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady." She paused and said, "Yes?" And the bird replied, "You know."
(Added: Wed Jan 29 2003 Hits: 10 Rating: 3.00 Votes: 4) Rate It
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Birds wear underwear
Q: Why dont birds wear underwear?
A: Because their peckers are on their faces
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 10 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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