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duck walks into a feed
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A duck walks into a feed store and asks, ''Got any duck feed?''
The clerk tells him, ''No, we don't have a market for it it so we don't carry it.''
The duck says, ''Okay'' and leaves. The next day, the duck walks in to the feed store and asks, ''Got any duck feed?''
Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves.
Next day, the duck walks in, and asks, ''Got any duck feed?''
The clerk says, ''I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we've never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor.''
The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck walks in and asks, ''Got any nails?''
''No,'' comes the reply.
''Got any duck feed?''
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 76 Rating: 4.00 Votes: 7) Rate It
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2 Crows
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Two crows were sitting on a plough handle. Suddenly they spotted a sandwich in the field. They flew down and were delighted to find that it was Bologna! They gorged themselves and flew back to the plough for a snooze. Unfortunately they were quickly awakened by a gunshot as the farmer tried to scare away the crows in his cornfield. Our two friends tried to join the flock but fell down.
The moral of this story is, "Don't fly off the handle when you're full of baloney!"
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 62 Rating: 4.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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A Cat's Diary
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DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant!
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. I must try this on their bed later!
DAY 762 - I Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at un-Godly hours of the night!
DAY 765 - I Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm. . . I must try this with their baby!
--Kitty
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 59 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Animal Sounds
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A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.
Mother: "What does the cow say?" Child: "Moo!" Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?" Child: "Meow." Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 62 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Baskin Robbins
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Two robins were lying on their backs, basking in the sun. A mama cat and her kitten were walking by.
The kitten complained, "Mama, I'm sooo hungry, what can we eat?"
To which the mama cat, spying the two robins, replied, "How about some Baskin Robbins?"
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 58 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Beware of Dog
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Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door.
Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 65 Rating: 5.50 Votes: 2) Rate It
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Blind Sky Divers
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Q: Why don't blind people sky dive?
A: It scares there dogs to death.
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 58 Rating: 1.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Bloody Bat
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Blood, a young vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood and perched himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Before long, all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He was tired and needing a rest, so he told them to please leave him alone. However, it was clear that he wasn't going to get any sleep until he satisfied their curiosity.
"OK!" he said with exasperation, "follow me," and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats following close behind him. Down through the valley they went, across the river and into the deep forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him.
"Do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 49 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Bulls Survive Tornado
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There was a farmer who had a lot of live stock. He had cows, horses, chickens, pigs, and bulls. One day a terrible twister came and the man and his family were only saved by throwing themselves in the nearest ditch. After it was all over, he looked up to see that the house was gone. Saddened by the loss, he went out to see if any of the animals had survived. The horses, chickens, pigs, and cows were laid out flat but the bulls were standing! The farmer was amazed and asked them, "How is it that all the other animals are down and you are still standing?" The bulls replied, "We bulls wobble but we don't fall down!"
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 49 Rating: 3.60 Votes: 5) Rate It
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Camel Questions
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The little camel went to his mother and asked, "Mother, why do we camels have such big eyes?"
She looked on him lovingly and replied, "You see, my son, when we are walking in the dessert and the wind starts to blowing and there's sand everywhere, we need these big eyes to keep an eye on one another so that we don't get lost."
"Oh!" he said. "And why do we have such huge feet?
"Well," she said, "they allow us to walk easily in the dessert sands and help us avoid sinking into the dunes."
"Wow," he said, "great equipment. What the heck is this stuff on our backs for?"
"You see," his mother informed, "we can walk for days, even weeks without food or water, so we use it to store fat during those times. But why do you ask me all these obvious questions?"
"Well, mother," said the young camel, "I was just wondering, if we've got all of this great stuff, what are we doing in the zoo?"
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 45 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Can My Dog Stay at Your Hotel?
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A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.
He wrote:"I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 46 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Card-Playing Dog
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A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was exhibiting an extraordinary performance.
"That is a very smart dog," the man commented.
"He's not so smart," said one of the irked players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 47 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Cat Diary
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DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair... must try this on their bed (again).
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was ... Hmmm. Not working according to plan .
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 41 Rating: 4.20 Votes: 5) Rate It
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Cheap Meat
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Q: What's the cheapest kind of meat?
A: Deer balls. They are under a buck.
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 51 Rating: 0.00 Votes: 0) Rate It
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Chicken Ranch
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My uncle was in the fertilized egg business when I was young. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was to fertilize the eggs. My uncle kept records and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot and was replaced. Now this took an awful lot of time. So when my uncle saw a set of eight tiny bells that each rang a different tone he promptly bought them.
He glued a piece of foam rubber to each clapper shaft so the bell wouldn't ring except when violently shaken. He hung a bell on each rooster's neck and went and mixed a Mint Julep. Now he could sit on the porch and sip while filling out an efficiency report on the roosters by listening to the different tones of the bells and marking down each encounter.
My uncle's favorite rooster was old Brewster. Brewster was a fine specimen, but his bell didn't ring all morning. Uncle went to investigate.
Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Chagrined at first, Uncle was soon so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair.
Brewster was an overnight sensation. They not only awarded him the No Bell prize but also the Pullet Surprise.
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 47 Rating: 3.75 Votes: 4) Rate It
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Combining Flipper and Jaws
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Q: What do you get when you cross Flipper (a dolphin TV Star) with Jaws (shark from the movie Jaws)?
A: A fish that will bite you in half then save you from drowning.
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 44 Rating: 4.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Cow With No Legs
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Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground beef.
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 42 Rating: 4.50 Votes: 4) Rate It
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Creative Dog Breeding
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Q: What do you get when you cross a cantaloupe with Lassie?
A. meloncollie
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 45 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Cross Between . . . .
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Q: What do you get when you cross a Pick Pocket with a Peeping Tom?
A: A person who Watches Snatches!
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 45 Rating: 4.00 Votes: 3) Rate It
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Cross-Eyed Dog
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A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to him, "My dogs cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?"
"Well," said the vet "let's have a look at him" The vet picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes.
"Well," says the vet "I'm going to have to put him down."
"Just because he's cross-eyed?" say's the man.
"No, because he's heavy," says the vet.
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 43 Rating: 3.75 Votes: 4) Rate It
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Crossing a Mule and Onions
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Q: What do you get when you cross a mule with a sack of onions?
A: A piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 47 Rating: 3.83 Votes: 6) Rate It
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Curious Camel
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A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom why have I got these huge three toed feet?"
The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand".
"OK" said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?"
"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert", the camel mother answers.
"Thanks Mom" replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??"
The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods."
"That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but... Mom?"
"Yes son?"
"Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?"
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 48 Rating: 5.00 Votes: 1) Rate It
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Daffy Goes Fishing
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Daffy (a blonde duck) was a bit behind schedule. Winter had arrived already and she was just heading south. As she was flying above a small lake, she spotted a net and figured it was just as good a time as any to stop for a snack. Perhaps she could steal a fish before someone caught her. When she landed by the net, there was quite the commotion and she was hit . . . by the puck.
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 48 Rating: 2.50 Votes: 4) Rate It
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Dead Fish
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Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "Whatcha doing, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. "And I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 48 Rating: 4.00 Votes: 4) Rate It
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Deaf Bear
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What do you call a bear without an ear?
A B!
(Added: Thu Dec 12 2002 Hits: 46 Rating: 1.25 Votes: 4) Rate It
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